Massive Changes For Massive Dynamics

Massive Changes For Massive Dynamics
October 7 | Staff Writer Javier J.

New York - Only one week since the death, reading and executing of Massive Dynamics creator William Bell's last will, the New York News has learned that Dr. Walter Bishop has been left sole shareholder of the company stock and already questions are arising as to his ability to lead a 50 billion dollar company.

They started circulating when he revealed the new direction that the company will be heading in the days to come. The first sign was when employees of the Chemistry department were given the task by Dr. Bishop of tackling improved LSD development and research.



The Agricultural Sciences division will soon begin a crash-course in development of a new and more potent cannabis product, project "Brown Betty", as it is called. Many have stated that this is Dr. Bishop personal mission and has had a hands on approach in teaching Massive Dynamic workers through the entire steps.

Another of Dr. Bishop's ideas is to get rid of the giant floating letters outside of the building. "There is no need to waste anti-gravity force fields on such self promotion of the buildings name and location." Bishop stated in a press release. "We already know it's in New York, what do you think? You woke up in Manhatan all of sudden?"



Employee and Department head Brandon McDonald was fine with the changes already made at the company commissary, where we he was eating one of Bishop's latest menu changes - Bacon Pudding. "I'm not all that shocked by the changes" McDonald stated, "But this bacon flavored pudding, now that's a surprise."

A bigger surprise is the rumors that have been circulating that CEO Nina Sharp was being replaced with a Mr. Papaya. When attempting to look into who this Papaya person was and find any work history or previous business experience, no files were found other than a note suggesting that he is the friendliest of all fruits.



Even though Massive Dynamic is a weapons testing, robotics, medical equipment, aeronautics, genetics and pharmaceuticals company, Walter Bishop has added one more item to the that list - diary farm. An entire floor has been devoted to the advancement of bovine studies. Specifically in the creation of a chocolate cow.

"I want Gene to be taken care of. How else is she going to start making chocolate milk?" Bishop told the NYNews. Along with that an on-site panda express expected to be added to provide constant satisfaction to Dr. Bishop's personal pet's food cravings.

"I would just like to say now that I would turn down any notion of being the Secretary, so just don't ask me." Bishop joked with reporters at the press conference.

"In his last message to me Belle told me not to be afraid to cross the line. And so that's why I say with certainly today that we're pushing the limits and seeing if Gene will be able to produce Strawberry milk as well."

Bishop finished by telling the press "Now if you'll excuse me, I have Ginger Ale to make."


More news:

Obama moves into new White house
Senate calls for hearings about federal departments
Copy of strange Back to the Future circulating Youtube
(October 7, 2010)

Ken burns Is Pretty Fucking Boring

Ken burns Is Pretty Fucking Boring

God damn, I want to care. I really do. I love the subject material. That is, I love parks. Especially National parks. But I really can't pull myself to give much of a shit about Ken Burn's National Park special on PBS that was on a few weeks back.

I love the national parks. I try to go visit the major huge ones a couple of times a year. Hiking through such untainted nature is really something special but sitting through scrolling images with very very VERY boring monotone voice over just put me to sleep.



Which I guess works for the whole idea of having something for when I can't sleep. That doesn't help when I'm trying to get my education on, now does it? Yes, Why, I do believe that the National Parks were a great idea that our Government had. I mean, why not. Make sure that there was land that we didn't rape and pillage for all that it is worth. Not for the reasons that it would be impossible in most cases and very impractical, but for the fact that it's a good escape from society.

Where else would crazy bombers go to get away from society? Sure, they'll mail an explosive or contaminated letter to some professor every few decades, but the spill over of crazies to the general population is very rare at best and you really have to ask for that sort of hate from someone so withdrawn from society.

But back to Ken Burns. His previous series on the Civil War... well, considering I'm not from the South, I really didn't have much connection or care for the war. Yes, it was over slaves and other heated debates of the time, but even that boring subject couldn't be helped by Ken burn's boring as hell documentary. There's really only one way to describe Ken Burn's style and that's through parody. So enjoy this..

Space Negros

Jesus H Christ!

Jesus H Christ!

It's Sunday. Today the make believe god took the day to rest. Me? Not even. This is two of three blogs for the day. Now it's come to my attention that I do not know what exactly the H in Jesus H. Christ means. You know, when someone curses his blessed of all names. It's a question. So here's some of my thoughts on the matter.

Could it be Hubert? That's a nice H middle name.

The Republican party would like you to believe it's Hannity. It's not.

Harold - I'm not fuckin' lying.
Lots of people think that the our father says "harold be thy name"

Perhaps it's Nothing. Nothing at all because Jesus wasn't real. Oh what the hell. Most historians would agree that Jesus was indeed real. But as for being our lord and savior? The jury is still hung about that.


The real Jesus... please stand up

Herschel sounds like a nice Jewish name.

Jesus HUSSEIN Christ: muslim anti-christ messiah

Herbert walker yup, that's right. Now you're re-thinking how bad the last eight years was.

Hong. Jesus Hong. Dude was Chinese.


You don't fuck with this Jesus!

Howie. Jesus Howie Christ

In all truths, the CH made the simple H sound. So it was more along the lines of "Jesus H? Christ"

Jesus Hoogies and Grinders Christ - Only the grinders got taken out of the bible because it was too sexual.

But all these thoughts don't explain what the Q in John Q Public stands for. I'm guessing it's "Queer", all those time they were only talking about anonymous homosexuals

Kenneth Cole

Kenneth Cole

For anyone familiar with the designer Kenneth Cole, or have seen one of his advertisements, he tends to show certain things with a quote containing a contrived pun, ALL IN CAPS, attributed to him that somewhat relates to current events or drinking lattes or some such shit, like this one I got in my mailbox a few days ago



To those shut ins that haven't watched the news, he's not talking about some landing on their feet and others committing suicide by jumping off a bridge into the hudson river. However, I thought these two advertisements were in especially poor taste




He's going to do lots of business in the obnoxious douchebag market now that T-shirt Hell is closing down.


But that playa keep on playin'



You aint gotta front it, yo



Gobias industries was a wrong place to put much stock into..



Truth...



So Chic it hurts.. them poor peasant



Sounds like my kind of shirt! A quick thinking one.



Laugh it up, you conformist!



So there you have it. The day after Valentines day, you're more than likely going to need a new shirt after tossing your old one out the window in a fit of passion. So how about you become a corporate sell out and buy some Kenneth Cole designs?

-Kenneth Cole

Porn For Women

Porn For Women

It's Valentines Day.... Let's celebrate the death of a saint who kept marrying things even though he was told not to. Most of all, it's Christmas for women. At least that's what my friend told me when I let him know I had no plans for this day. He was surprised and told me I should "Go along with the program." and "Just get her roses or something."

I bet this is the same mentality that the Nazis used... Yes, that's right. I just said that. I'm not going to be a mindless follower, am I? So this is Christmas for women? Huh? I thought Christmas was only a month and a half ago. Then I asked what Easter was, besides my Birthday every couple of years. "Christmas for Kids", he replied.

So let me get this straight -Women can't wait more than two months to get Christmas II but kids can wait four months to get a second fill of getting freebies? Shit, Guys wait a whole seven months before they get Christmas II in the form of 4th of July and the ability to blow shit up.

Don't get me wrong. I'm planning on showing some sign of my affection to the special people in my life today. I'll just save the flowers for my Mother. I already spread around some Valentines crap (Jones Cola) to most of my friends of both genders. But I like to think that I've shown my feelings on days that aren't Feb 14th to make them feel Speshul. I'm really tempted to relax on Valentines day watching some really shitty Sci-fi movie laughing my ass off thinking of what last minute Birthday gift I should give my sister.

But for those Women who do want this to be Christmas II: Electric Boogaloo, I have to wonder if this book about what is Porn for women has any truth to it.


I bet this is making all you women gush. So much that the person nearest to you is saying "I'll have what she's having!" Or... maybe not.



At least they aren't marked up $20 bucks like they are today.



Pro tip: Don't get into a relationship with a retard who can't use google map.



What next? He's going to sit down to pee? PUUUUSSSSSSSSY!



Stupid book. Football season already ended like two weeks ago.


So this made me wonder what would be the equivalent of terribly exaggerated stereotype in what men would consider porn.



So... where's the dipstick to check the fluids? Ba-da-doom!



Yup. Seems about right

See, I'm even too lazy and apathatic to even continue this mocking tone towards Valentines day. I really can't think of anything else. I mean, why not just come right out with it.. Porn for guys usually doesn't need an oil change and certainly doesn't have anything to do with putting the toilet seat down. I'm pretty sure it has something to do with just busting these out...





HAPPY VALENTINES DAY!!!

(god, I'm never getting laid again, I know)

Let's Talk About Dicks

Let's Talk About Dicks

Valentines day is just a day away and we all know what that means, you're more than likely going to be up close and personal with Dick. But do you know dick? I mean really REALLY know dick? I may be getting in your face with Dick here, but I believe it's an important issue to tackle.

I think that you may be questioning your knowledge and familiarity with dick. So that's why I'll help you with this handy guide to learning about dick. Don't worry, I'll just spit it out now.



This is a real dick right here. He was pretty big on American Bandstand. Quite a heart throb in his heyday. Though these days he's not operating on all cylinders so well. It happens when you have head problems with your dick.



Everyone wants to beat this Dick. To be fair, he has it coming.



One of my favorite Dicks



This Dick knows kung-fu.




You just don't want to know where this Dick sticks things



Some Dicks are A-Okay being little.



This Dick faces ugly things head on.



He's a Dick that strongly believes in evolving






This man has no dick.




Limp Dick




Rich Dick

And some Dicks are just tricky.



That may have been a lot to swallow but there you have it. It's all laid out for you. You should have a good grasp on Dicks now.

Unfortunate iPod Engravings

Unfortunate iPod Engravings

I saw this ad today on my homepage


It struck me as kind of insulting to the person that is receiving it. But then it made perfect sense. You see, once you engrave an electronic device you can't return it, as reported by the consumerist.

Ever wonder why some places will engrave your electronics for free? It's so you can't return them. Really. That's the reason. Returns of perfectly good, non-defective merchandise account for 95% of returns and "free engraving" is a cheap, easy way to ensure that that item won't be coming back.

Back in May of this year, Sony told the WSJ that free engraving had recently saved them a million dollars.

So what, you ask? Well, if you're buying the iPod or the laptop or whatever as a gift — you might want to skip the engraving unless you're totally 100% sure that the person wants it. As in, they said to you, "Aunt Awesome and Uncle Kickass, please get me a new iPod with my name on it, pretty please???" Otherwise, you might just be causing problems for your loved one (or their parents) if they try to return or exchange the gift.

If you are currently stuck with a beautifully engraved iPod you don't want, we've heard rumors that you can try to exchange it for a more expensive one. Here's some advice from someone who claims to have done it.

Bottom line: Engraving is a cool thing for people who know they won't have buyer's remorse — but risky for a gift. Beware.

This got me to thinking that you're giving someone a gift, you better expect them NOT to return it or re-gift it without any sort of funky explanation as to why they got it engraved that way for the next guy. So since I got my mind going, I thought up some engravings that I'd like to see to ensure you can't return the gift!



"RIAA: 0
ME: 1"

"RIAA vs. [insert name]
EXHIBIT A"

"For external use only"

"Screen's on the other side, dipshit."

"Property of __________ unless you stole this, then it's yours!"



"Merry Christmas.. ps you were adopted"

"Enjoy it while you can/it'll be outdated in a year"

"Irreplaceable"

"If you lose this one you're dead"

" 8=========D "

"8===========D~~~~~~( . Y . ) "



"iRiver is not a company, you've never heard of it, iRiver doesn't exist."

"WARNING: CONTAINS SLAYER. IN CASE OF HIPPIES PRESS PLAY"

If you have a Marine to give it to than:
"There are many like it, but this one is mine."

"Warning: Do not put in eyes"

"had no idea you could engrave your iPod"



"TRAPPED IN IPOD FACTORY. SEND HELP"

"If you don't put out after
I bought this, we are done"

For those who travel a lot:
"Not a bomb. Seriously. Would I lie?"

"This is not a coke mirror. Wait, yes it is you hipster fuck."

"If you bought this on craigslist it was stolen *insert phone number* "



"From Dad: Don't see me"

"From Mom: Call me, I worry"

"Music in this iPod are cooler than they appear"

"Do not use to sing in the shower"

"If it's too loud, you're too old to have an iPod"

If you're getting one for your husband you can always put your wedding date. Just so they don't forget.

Hopefully with those helpful suggestions you can get the best possible engraving for the iPod you're about to give as a gift.

Just A Note

Just A Note

On his first day of being a President Obama laid it out there. He wants transparency in the white house. He said Fuck lobbyists, fuck pay rises and he holla at his muslim buds.

WASHINGTON (CNN) -- Promising "a new era of openness in our country," President Obama signed executive orders Wednesday relating to ethics guidelines for staff members of his administration.

"Transparency and the rule of law will be the touchstones of this presidency," Obama said.

Earlier in the day, Obama said he would issue a pay freeze for his senior staff members.....

.......During the campaign, Obama pledged that "no political appointees in an Obama-Biden administration will be permitted to work on regulations or contracts directly and substantially related to their prior employer for two years. And no political appointees will be able to lobby the executive branch after leaving government service during the remainder of the administration," according to BarackObama.com.

....Obama called Middle East leaders, including King Abdullah of Jordan, Israeli Prime Minister Ehud Olmert, Palestinian Authority President Mahmoud Abbas and Egyptian President Hosni Mubarak, Gibbs said.

And that's all fine and dandy, but that's not how he started the day. You see, Obama began his first full day in office with a moment of solitude in the Oval Office, reading a note from his predecessor, before making phone calls to Middle East leaders.

I think I speak for everyone when I say I really want to read that note from #43 to #44. If Obama gave a shit about transparency he'd let us read that note. Come on Obama, I thought it was going to be a new administration? What did the note from Bush say?

I Guess we can only guess as to what was written on that piece of paper. Being that I have a very active imagination, I suppose I could pretend that I know the answer. In fact, I do. But since I sign a lot of Non Disclosure Agreements, I can't technically say. Let's just say that MAYBE one of the following comments is in the message to Obama from Bush.

Revealed secret locations of whiskey bottles through out the building.

A Thinly veiled suicide note with "legacy" misspelled three or more times.

"Don't steal anything."

The following message:

Do you like me? Please check one:
[]YES
[]NO
[]Maybe


Now how do you write this message down on a piece of paper?

"Enjoy your new keyboards. sorry about the o keys, somebody had to do it"

"I took a shit somewhere in this office. good luck finding it."

"there's one switch in the oval office that doesn't seem to do anything. Don't get obsessed about it like I did"

"sry just tryin out my new pen love, bush"

The description of the relationship between the executive branch and Majestic-12.
Obama is now under Illuminati control. That's change my tin foil hat can believe in!

"FUCK THE WHITE SOX, GO RANGERS!!!!!!!"


I wouldn't have expected anything less...

"Get high get drunk get krunk get fucked world ends oh twelve you don't give a damn we don't give a fuck just do it in the club"

"Lincoln's bible had a microscopic needle on it that implanted a small chip into your hand. do what they say or it'll release cyanide into your blood. this note sat on the desk all night so i'm probably dead by now. i'm so sorry."

"I tried looking for Lincoln's gold. Much like my oil days, I couldn't find anything of value."

"My good friend Bin Laden is in Witness protection in Ohio.
We have alien technology from Area 51."

The note describes, in detail, the Stargate program

Why don't you put the WHOLE WORLD into a BOTTLE, Obama?"




A piece of paper that has this written down the side

L
A
T
E
R
S

The word "Nuclear" written over and over again 100 times ending with "Learn it, Love it, say it right or they'll eat you alive."

The note was written by bush. that means there's a 99% chance it contains the word "awesome"

"Hee hee. I broke it, you bought it! No tag backs!"

To do list: Sleep for the next week, Cook up some BBQBYOB, and find some Texas Tail!


This Radiohead video taught us that we shouldn't ask what Bush was thinking..

why does anyone want to read a self pitying note left by bush? you know it can be summed up as 'shucks, its hard up here at the top. just wait till they turn on you!

No matter what it actually does say, I do like to imagine that it's something like this old Khrushchev note written before he was forced out of power by the Soviet Politburo. You see. He sat down and wrote 2 letters for his successor and when he showed up he tells him:

"I have written 2 letters & locked them in the safe. If there should ever come a time when you're in a crises, and your enemies are calling for your head, and you can't see any way out, then open the first letter and it will save you. And if after that, you should again be in a crises, and your back is against the wall and you're facing ruin, open the second letter."

And then he leaves. Time passes, and his successor does find himself in a crises, and he can't see any way out, so he opens the first letter. And Khrushchev has written,

"Blame everything on me."

So he does, and it works, and he survives. Later on, another crises arises, and again all seems lost, so he opens the second letter. And Khrushchev has written.

"Now, sit down at your desk and write 2 letters."

Goodbye Bush. We wont miss you