Condoms - Goldilocks Syndrome

Condoms - Goldilocks Syndrome

Well, let's face it. We're approaching Valentine's Day and that means that people will have an excuse to have sex. Yes, that's right, even the most undesired can get laid that night if they simply go to the bars and seek out a partner in all those other people who went out on this night in search for love.. or at least the fleeting feeling that you are loved by someone who got a couple of Jack and cokes in you..

So what does this have to do with Goldilocks and the three bears? Well, no. This isn't about big hairy gay guys. More to the point of Goldilocks not finding the right size that she needed and being all anal about getting it just right. And what the hell does that have to do with condoms? Well, you see, condoms come in all shapes and sizes. Take this (discovered fake) Durex ad boasting about size....



Ah, it just makes you wonder about the shitty nature of our societies view point on penis sizes and the need to buy something more for the idea of protraying yourself as something you are not nor probably need. You see, Speaking on behalf of guys wth enormous dicks everywhere, I'd just like to say that that's inconsiderate.

That ad is advocating violence against prostitutes because seriously, who the fuck wears condoms during blowjobs? We already wrap our junk in a layer for sex, do you now want to take away the fun that the feeling of lips on a penis feel by putting a sheet of rubber between you and it? Pfft, I think not! That was how I took the ad at first, like the band-aids were covering up warts or something. But I think it's implying that the dick is so big that it actually injured her mouth because it was SO BIG and those are the people that need enormous condoms.



It really is a completely useless product, too. Normal condoms are more than elastic enough to handle porn stars-- the normal consumers of "magnum" condoms are insecure teenagers (or their mental equivalents) who want to look cool buying the "big stuff". All they really do is slip off and cause more pregnancies in most cases. At best they're just a little wider at the top. That's it. They play directly into the insecure minds of every tiny penored young adult.

I remember in college when I would hear stories about how folks in the health/resource office would have guys who would pass up free condoms all the time because they were "too small" for them. Apparently I attended the University of Gigantic cocks in Girth town, USA. Man, I really do miss the days of free condoms... much less the occasion to actually use them. But man, do I miss getting those condoms and thinking I was going to fuck like a rabbit. It would be like giving a guy the bullets but no gun or target....


Something's wrong in this picture.. Can you tell what it is?

Oddly enough, in college a lot of people refused to use the free condoms handed out by planned parenthood because the churches spread the rumor around that they'd poked small, invisible holes in them so people would get pregnant anyway and would somehow have no choice but to have an abortion. I'm not sure which is the more retarded reason to pass on free condoms: "Mah dikz be too big" or "invisible holes will get you knocked up, yo". Either way, dumb ass shit.

On the other end of the specturm... India and Condoms have not had the best of relationships. If you didn't know, three years ago it was reported that condoms were too big for Indian men...

Condoms 'too big' for Indian men
December 8th 2006
By Damian Grammaticus
BBC News, Delhi

Condom factory
There is a "lack of awareness" over condom sizes
A survey of more than 1,000 men in India has concluded that condoms made according to international sizes are too large for a majority of Indian men.

The study found that more than half of the men measured had penises that were shorter than international standards for condoms.

It has led to a call for condoms of mixed sizes to be made more widely available in India.

The two-year study was carried out by the Indian Council of Medical Research.

Over 1,200 volunteers from the length and breadth of the country had their penises measured precisely, down to the last millimetre.

The scientists even checked their sample was representative of India as a whole in terms of class, religion and urban and rural dwellers.

The conclusion of all this scientific endeavour is that about 60% of Indian men have penises which are between three and five centimetres shorter than international standards used in condom manufacture.

Doctor Chander Puri, a specialist in reproductive health at the Indian Council of Medical Research, told the BBC there was an obvious need in India for custom-made condoms, as most of those currently on sale are too large.

The issue is serious because about one in every five times a condom is used in India it either falls off or tears, an extremely high failure rate.

And the country already has the highest number of HIV infections of any nation.

'Not a problem'

Mr Puri said that since Indians would be embarrassed about going to a chemist to ask for smaller condoms there should be vending machines dispensing different sizes all around the country.

"Smaller condoms are on sale in India. But there is a lack of awareness that different sizes are available. There is anxiety talking about the issue. And normally one feels shy to go to a chemist's shop and ask for a smaller size condom."

But Indian men need not be concerned about measuring up internationally according to Sunil Mehra, the former editor of the Indian version of the men's magazine Maxim.

"It's not size, it's what you do with it that matters," he said.

"From our population, the evidence is Indians are doing pretty well.

"With apologies to the poet Alexander Pope, you could say, for inches and centimetres, let fools contend."

You sort of have to chuckle about this. The BBC literally wrote a 400 word article about Indian men having small penises. Three years later... this news story came out..

600 of city’s condom machines vandalized
December 21st 2009
Ruhi Bhasin & Risha Chitlangia

NEW DELHI: About 600 of the 3,000 Condom Vending Machines (CVM) that were installed by the National AIDS Control Organisation (Naco) in different locations around the city are not working, as they have either been vandalized or removed. Moreover, few people use these machines.

The idea behind these CVMs is to make condoms easily available to the public. "We in India are yet to accept the concept of condom vending machines. In Delhi, on average, each vending machine dispenses only one packet of condoms a day. Right now, our aim is to make people aware of safe sex practices and to encourage them to use condoms. For this, easy access to condoms is essential," said Gaurav Jain, project leader (technical support) of condom promotion, Naco.

Then again, Indians are more uptight about sex than Americans. It's quite an accomplishment if you really think about it. The Indians I met in college were some of the most prudish people I have ever met in my life. So India is still trying to push the condoms to the masses with witty commercials such as these;



Ah, the things that Kumar has been doing since he was written off the show on House.. What won't you do and where's Harold and Kumar go to White Castle III? I want to see Neil Patrick Haris get drunk again!

And then there's this musical number which really puts into question what I'm missing out with working on films in the United States when I should seriously be getting into the Bollywood scene.



Maybe it's just because they have a hedonistic-primitive culture that encourages shameless promiscuity. Perhaps it's time to outsource penis enlargement spam... Though, worse of all is that Indian commercial acting is even further behind us than condom use.

If they want to encourage condom use, perhaps they should make smaller curry scented condoms. It wont hurt if their women trimmed their bushes and showered once in a while. I know they're catching up with us on the Film making front, how about you follow suit with the grooming tips down under.



So with all this confusion, how can you really know what size of condoms you really need anyway? On the box it's always bullshit like LARGE, EXTRA LARGE and MAGNUM or whatever. It's not like Condoms want to advertise that they're for NORMAL size penises because when you're in the check out you want to make sure you're showing off that the old lady or college drop out scanning your products will judge you and never want to have sex with you if you have a "Size normal" condom package. If you get a painful constructed feeling when you put one on then you probably need to go up a size. Personally, I get the best fit out of the plastic bags from the grocery store.



Yup, India is a fascinating place. I was sorta shocked at how HIV is transmitted through mostly sexual contact in India. Since HIV/AIDS is mostly transmitted through blood based contact outside of Africa.

The overwhelming majority of infections in India occur through heterosexual sex; women now account for around 39% of adult infections. In many cases married men have acted as 'bridge populations' between vulnerable populations and general populations; women who believe they are in monogamous relationships are becoming infected because their husbands have had multiple sexual partners. Often social norms restrict women from making decisions about their sexual relations, contributing to their vulnerability to HIV. Studies have shown that intimate sexual partner violence is also a risk factor for women.

For some reason I suspect that the patriarchy is at work here. Maybe they should really get on top of that whole condom use there. Small penises and all. Though I do have some Indian friends, so perhaps I'll toss in that Indian penis sizes have doubled in the last three years. So you ladies not going for Sanjay because you fear of not being able to feel anything... well then you're silly because remember that your female hole can only really feel stuff three or four inches deep before it gets lost in the darkness.

But let's roll with the idea that the Indians are just jealous of the Chinese surpassing them in penis size (and just about everything else)

And remember Americans, the average French penis is 1.2 inches longer than the average US penis. Yup, now I'm starting to see why we hate on French so much...

Penis envy.

I'm not worried, I have Spaniard ancestry and we all know how well endowed they were to rape and pillage just about every culture. :smug: