Sunday, January 9, 2011

The Body of Christ Contaminates You

The Body of Christ Contaminates You

As a kid I was an alter boy. Besides the fact that I'm constantly asked if a priest showed me his pulpit as a child, it also meant that I was faced with the responsibility of getting the body and blood of christ out of the back kitchen and preparing it for the upcoming mass.

You know how at most restaurants people get all uppity about the letter grade rating that it gets? Why is it that no one ask the church how they keep there perishable goods? In this one instance, some questions as to how what you're about to receive should have been asked..
Hundreds of people might have been exposed to hepatitis A while receiving communion on Christmas Day, Long Island officials said Monday.

The Nassau County Department of Health is offering vaccines to those who attended two services at Our Lady of Lourdes Church in Massapequa Park in Long Island, New York, according to Nassau County Department of Health spokeswoman Mary Ellen Laurain.

Individuals might be at risk if they received communion during the 10:30 am and noon Masses, according to a statement from the county health department.

Booyah! I know I've done a lot of things to that bread body and wine blood of Jesus, but I sure as hell know I didn't inject diseases into it. I can see it now, the church makes it easy for yet one more person to lie about having an affair.

"No honey, I wasn't cheating on you. I got this cold sore on my mouth from receiving the body of Christ. What about this cum stain on my sweater? Well, that must have been an error at the dry cleaning"

I wonder if in 2000 years, people will be celebrating a new Christmas for the miracle of God's gift to the Long Island community church. I swear, I wasn't having unprotected sex or anal sex. No! I got the AIDs from tainted communism blood, I swear!

What's that old saying? That during your hardest moments in life there's only one set of foot prints in the sand instead of two because Jesus was carrying you. Maybe in this instance, Jesus probably shouldn't have been picking up that tab.

Man, he's not going to appreciate the Whisky or the coke if he just goes straight for the heroin. And what's with the look? Why does Jesus look so pained, it's fucking Heroin! Maybe it's caused by the hepatitis pain kicking in.

Or maybe it's a missed hit or maybe that biker dude didn't brew it up properly. I wonder if Jesus has a similar expression when he's stopping someone from getting ass raped. Perhaps I'm looking at it all wrong. I'm pretty sure he's just laughing cause he stole a free hit with that simple slight of arm trick there.

You know, for a biker who seems properly protected, what with his gun as protection #1 and his doorknob nunchucks hanging there for backup, he sure is easily fooled by Jesus' mind trick. I don't know about you but I would be pretty mad if Jesus tried to steal my dope.

What is with the skull? Is that just some buddy that goes along with Jesus on his errands stealing hits from moronic nunchuck dueling drunks. I bet the skull is laughing at how much Jesus is a fucking mooch on the poor dude's stash.

By now I'm pretty sure you're tired of those jokes, but more than anything, you're probably wondering where that art piece came from. Why, I'll tell you! From here.

Oh hi, I didn't see you back there. I'm Jesus. You might remember me from such informational books such as The Bible, but today I'm just here to talk to you about the sweet science of pugilism.

In any case, this should be a lesson.. don't look a free communion in the mouth.

1 comment:

Ty Mcmichael said...

This picture to me looks like Jesus is taking, as he did on the cross, this man's sin.