Tuesday, January 4, 2011

A Year of Zingers

A Year of Zingers

So I have a friend who is doing stand up comedy for the first time soon. It's a tough gig. I should know, I've been heckling comedians for close to a decade now. So here's some zingers that would.. well.. yeah. Enjoy.

President Obama signed into law the repeal of 'Don't Ask, Don't Tell.' What does it say about us that we think gay men can handle armed combat, but can't handle marriage? Oddly enough, we also think 18 year olds can handle armed combat but not alcohol

The census shows there are more than 308 million people living in America. The amazing part is: More than half of those people are Americans.

Sarah Palin's Alaska' has been such a big hit for TLC, they’re trying to get her to do another season. You know who doesn't want Palin to have a second season? Elk.

Security officials say that al-Qaida once considered spreading poison through salad bars across the U.S. But they abandoned the plan after Sizzler beat them to it.

A new poll shows President Obama ahead of Sarah Palin 54 percent to 39 percent in a potential match up. You know what that means? John McCain could get Barack Obama elected twice.

Vice President Joe Biden said there has been no 'substantive damage' to the United States by Julian Assange in the whole WikiLeaks scandal. He says it has been embarrassing, but you can't prosecute people for embarrassing the United States. If that were true, Joe Biden would be serving life in prison.

A group of TSA workers at LAX airport have formed a choir to sing to passengers. That's just what you want, a guy with his hands down your pants going, 'Do you feel what I feel?

This weekend there were big Christmas sales, Congress repealed Don't Ask Don't Tell and the President signed the tax-cut extension bill. So if you're a gay soldier who's also a millionaire, looking for tax-refund money to go Christmas shopping, this was the time of your life.

Congress has voted to extend the Bush tax cuts. Is it me, or is George W. Bush getting more done now than when he was in office?

President Obama met with leaders of 60 American Indian tribes. I don't want to say the country's in bad shape, but he offered to give it back to them.

The president was honored by the Indians with his own Indian name. They now call him, 'Dances With Republicans.

A lot of companies had their Christmas parties tonight. A lot of people couldn't make it because their company is in India.

My wife walked out on me yesterday. Luckily we live on a cliff.

President Obama was talking with school kids yesterday and said he walked their dog Bo on the White House lawn and picked up his poop. They should probably have someone else do that. Obama's not good at cleaning up messes other people have left for him.

Michelle Obama wore a vintage thrift-store dress from the 1950s for the Christmas in Washington concert. She's not the only one going vintage. In fact, her husband just agreed to a tax plan from the early 2000s.

Al-Qaida is planning Christmas attacks in the U.S. and Europe. The U.S. government sprang into action and told al-Qaida, 'Hey, you cannot call them Christmas attacks, you have to call them holiday attacks.

The House has voted to repeal the 'don't ask, don't tell' policy. Nancy Pelosi said, 'Now's the time to act,' meaning before Democrats lose their majority in a couple of weeks. Which raises the question: Why didn't they act the last four years when they had the majority?

According to a new Rasmussen poll, only 23 percent say America is heading in the right direction. In Mexico, it's different. There, 77 percent say the right direction is heading to America.

WikiLeaks editor Julian Assange was granted bail by a London court. At a press conference, Assange said he will not be silenced, and then told everyone who their secret Santa is.

Two feet of snow in the Midwest. But the good news is, these are the first shovel-ready jobs Obama has come up with since becoming president.

Facebook founder Mark Zuckerberg has been named Time magazine's Person of the Year. They said he has single-handedly changed the way we waste time at work.

Michelle Obama said that obesity is a national security threat because 1 in 4 young people are too overweight to join the military. Couldn't we just have a separate fat army to fight in countries that don't have hills?

Treasury Secretary Timothy Geithner has been released from the hospital after undergoing treatment for a kidney stone. He says he's recovering. Good luck, that's what he said about the economy.

Chernobyl is being opened to tourists. I guess for people who feel they’re not getting enough radiation from the body scanners. It’s the perfect destination for people who like to experience toxic wastelands and have already been to New Jersey.

President Obama showed up 20 minutes late to a press conference. It was the longest he's kept everyone waiting — well, unless you count the past two years.

Sarah Palin flew down to Haiti to help earthquake victims. Poor Haitians, they can't get a break. First the earthquake, then the hurricanes, and now Sarah Palin.

Time magazine is now ranking the best tweets of the year and, according to Time, the best tweet for 2010 was written by John McCain. Experts say it's even more impressive because McCain thought he was opening his garage door.

President Obama's pledge to have the most transparent administration in history has come true. Thanks to WikiLeaks.

It looks like the Bush-era tax cuts for the rich will continue, due to a strong Republican leader, Barack Obama. Today Obama changed his slogan from 'Yes we can' to 'Yes, we caved.' It’s so bad for him, now Democrats want to see his birth certificate.

Obama was going to have a meeting with Afghan President Karzai about the country's corruption, incompetence, and the wasting of American tax dollars. And that's just what Karzai was going to lecture Obama about.

Promoting his new book, President Bush visited the headquarters of Facebook. Unfortunately, he spent the whole visit on Farmville, clearing brush.

The Airport screening rule is they can only touch your breasts and groin area over clothes. Same rule my high school prom date had.

A 19-year-old Somali man was arrested in Portland for allegedly planning to detonate a bomb at a Christmas tree lighting ceremony. His parents are devastated. He had such a promising career as a pirate.

George H.W. Bush and Barbara Bush had a wonderful interview with Larry King. Larry is so confused. He asked Barbara Bush how long she has been on the Quaker Oats box.

Thank you, you've been a kind audience. Remember to tip your waitress!

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