Signs, Signs, All The Wrong Signs

Signs, Signs, All The Wrong Signs

When you pick up the newspaper today and look at your horoscope you may need to rethink which made up bullshit catch all summation of your day you base your fortune on. For yesterday all over the twitterverse and facebook galaxy posting links about how the Zodiac had changed. Not only have the dates changed, pushing people out of their very identities, but a new one has been added named... Ophiuchus.

Many of us read our horoscopes everyday. But now, it turns out, you may be reading the wrong sign. A shift in the sky over the millenniums altered your zodialogical sign.

The star doctors say Earth right now is in a totally different spot in relation to the sun and its equatorial alignment than it was 3,000 years ago.

That's when the 12 zodiac signs were assigned.

Those signs you were born into are now not really the same because the Earth's wobble on its axis means a nearly one-month bump in the stars alignment.

Depending on whether you are on the cusp, your sign either changed or just moved a bit.

Here is the updated list:

Capricorn: Jan. 20-Feb. 16
Aquarius: Feb. 16-March 11
Pisces: March 11-April 18
Aries: April 18-May 13
Taurus: May 13-June 21
Gemini: June 21-July 20
Cancer: July 20-Aug. 10
Leo: Aug. 10-Sept. 16
Virgo: Sept. 16-Oct. 30
Libra: Oct. 30-Nov. 23
Scorpio: Nov. 23-29
Ophiuchus:* Nov. 29-Dec. 17
Sagittarius: Dec. 17-Jan. 20

* Ophiuchus is a rarely used astrological sign, not included in most versions of the Zodiac. It is also known as Serpentarius.

Like anyone will even be able to pronounce ofishicusvlous anyway. This shit is worse than when they kicked out Pluto as a planet. What the hell, man. In the event you're wondering if it's retroactive, more than likely. I mean, people have told me that it's okay that I'm stubborn because I'm an Aries. What am I going to use now as an excuse? I didn't like being an Aries anyways!



It's pretty comical. There's not a single Capricorn that overlaps anymore. The old dates were December 22nd through January 19. The new dates are January 20 through February 16. It was literally zodiac genocide. I'm not sure what is worse for those of you who got the switch over. A man holding a snake or a half man/half horse.

It makes you wonder what happens to all those folks who stupidly tattooed their zodiac symbol on their body. Don't believe me? This was found on the twitter-dom.

"If my zodiac symbol has been changed to a Libra, what am I supposed to do with my Scorpio tattoo?!?!,"

Yes, this has caused a major problem who permanently gave themselves a crab tattoo.

Some folks are justifying it by saying that it only takes effect for people born now. But I don't buy that at all. But hey, you can take a deep breath and be a little relaxed, CNN is claiming that this isn't true in any way that really matters to the whole mystical bullshit of astrology anyway. But not that it stopped people who live by it and base their decisions all around it.

Jawer states that the sun doesn't align with constellations at the same time of year that it did millennia ago. But that's irrelevant for the tropical zodiac, codified for western astrology by Ptolemy in the second century, he states.

In the tropical zodiac, the start of Aries is fixed to one equinox, and Capricorn the other. "When we look at the astrology used in the Western world, the seasonally based astrology has not changed, was never oriented to the constellations, and stands as … has been stated for two millenniums," Jawer said.

Everyone knows astrological signs are all bullshit anyway. Now the Chinese Zodiac... That's a different story altogether.