Too Bit To Fail - Bitcoins and Internet Fake Currency.

Too Bit To Fail - Bitcoins and Internet Fake Currency.

The average worth of a Bitcoin is now .01 cent. Yeah, that's right. The price went down to a cent each. I have to say, I love the world and everything in it cause I'm laughing my ass off.

For something that's supposed to point out the flaws in central banking and flat currency, Bitcoin isn't really earning its keep. Imagine if your currency lost half its value every weekend. It would cause riots on a daily basis. The most comical aspect of all this is that people on Bitforums are complaining that there should have been some kind of central authority to stop all this from happening.



Wait, I'm giving away the ending before the story ever begun. You're probably wondering what the fuck is all this fake internet money called Bitcoins, right?

Take a look in your wallet for a moment and tell me what you see. Is there dollar bills in there? What the fuck is wrong with you? Why are you still using those dead presidents as a method of paying the debt of goods and/or services?

You gotta burn all that money right now because it is utterly useless. What you got to do is get yourself some Bitcoins. It's the internet's latest thing! Wait, you probably aren't aware of this newest form of proclaiming your social economic status. So for those of you who are wonder what a Bitcoin is, look at this handy and helpful video:



Does it make sense now? Bitcoins are a form of virtual currency that is produced by running your computer program. You're probably wondering how someone running four computers all make that "Easy money" off this?

Basically to mine Bitcoins you have to offer computing services for processing transactions. It's like SETI or Folding@home. These research companies used your computer's power to run whatever they needed to run.

The important part to know about all this is that it's a fiat currency that is not backed by any government or organization with assets, and initially allocated to users based their on available idle computing power. If you're not sure why people would use such a silly thing, you're really not alone. The biggest question that comes up is exactly what can you buy with Bitcoins?



Wired magazine did put out a news story about how you can buy drugs with Bitcoins online. So if you're a shut-in dork who can't find a decent connection on the streets, I guess you can use Bitcoins to score your hit.

Though you sort of have to be mentally retarded to have drugs mailed to your home. Wait, you also have to be sort of mentally retarded to go in for a currency that is not backed by gold or anything else for that matter. So the answer to that is "Fake internet money to buy drugs"

So how is it that you buy weed and cocaine using Bitcoins?

Silk Road is a peer-to-peer commerce website like eBay, with a few important differences: it's only accessible through the anonymous network Tor, purchases can only be made with the digital currency Bitcoin, and much of the trade is in drugs

I guess it's not so useless now, is it? Well, that was till the news went full blast on that side of bitcoins and then that pretty much went away. But Silkroad was a marketplace where drugs could be traded for bitcoins. Though that shouldn't surprise anyone as whenever there's a currency in whatever form, drugs will be one of the first things sold through it.

Who wouldn't like to use their Bitcoins on some dude coming by and throwing weed through your open window at night?



This is all thanks to Gawker. God damn Gawker. Now that you have reported on it, that means that the site must be gone. Sure enough, it's gone. And here I was going to say goodbye to my alcoholism and hello to heroin addiction. Besides that, heroin addiction is much healthier in pretty much every way but your poop. Maybe a buttcoin currency will help with that.

Sure enough, when the nightly news covers it, it's a given that it's a dead duck.. So it's too late now to buy anything before it was wiped out of existence. And some of you are wondering about the level of quality in bitcoin drugs. I mean, what if the dude mixes in rat poison with your cocaine?

Well, you would die and one one would have any legal recourse on the matter. Then again, why would you care? You'd be fucking dead. You can't, with your dying breath, leave someone with negative Silk road feedback. Besides that, nobody has much in the way of legal recourse if you die rom cut coke or fent-laced heroin you bought off the street. If anything, this gives more people the idea to just sell bad drugs and dandruff on the internet for fake currency.

I can't blame Gawker for letting the cat out of the bag though. You would have to be a fool to think that the Feds didn't already know of it. They are, after all, the biggest drug cartel around. They know their competition and will crush it.



If you take my suggestion though, in that you shouldn't get hooked or depend on street drugs. You could have a perfectly socially accepted drug problem with prescription variety of drugs. Though you would have to deal with a lot of white people for all that.

Though you can also use this to buy shit from nerd stores online. In fact, now that I think about it, this entire economy is basically built on Thinkgeek gift vouchers. And before this unstable drop to shit, you could probably also buy groceries online with it. But if you were thinking that buying your Dad a Father's Day gift of investments in Bitcoins, perhaps you should have reconsidered that rather wise investment, don't you think?

Yeah, you people laugh now, but who will be laughing about Bitcoins in 30 years? Well, no one because no one will remember that flash in the pan poniz scheme.

Another thing you can use it for is to buy shit off Newegg with Bitcoins!... well, sort of.

How does it work?

1) Browse Newegg.com and add any desired products to your cart. You do not need to login or create an account.
2) Click "View Shopping Cart." Rather than check out, click "Email Cart."
3) Enter newegg@bitspend.com in the "To:" box and provide your email address in the "From:" box.
4) Provide a name, shipping address, and desired shipping method in the "Personalized note" section.
5) Click 'Submit.' Via email you will receive a quote in BTC and a unique bitcoin payment address. Use the bitcoin client or another client/service to send to the specified bitcoin address.

Don't you see, Bitcoins isn't all about buying drugs. It's also about inconvenient methods of shopping for normal shit as well. Not too long ago someone bought out all of Newegg's stock of miner ATI cards. The end result is something like this being created.



With a bit of creativity these could be so much more. If nobody sees the tragedy in that... well, it's like putting your twelve beautiful daughters to work in a brothel during their prime, when they should be studying art and the humanities, for shame.

But you see there, that's money.. fake internet money that you could use to buy drugs, of course. Apparently the yield is supposedly about 72 bitcoins per day.Though yield efficiency has been going down over time for everyone.

Don't they realize that with the more people who are "mining" with more powerful equipment for the sole purpose of getting fake internet money, they're just driving yields even lower because only a fixed number of new bitcoins are issued per day.

At this rate, you're better off flipping real estate. In fact, all of you with real estate licensees should just buy foreclosed homes near hydroelectric damns. Preferably in the mountains with cold climates, your electricity is 50% cheaper than other parts of the country so for maybe $8 of power you can be generating $75 in Bitcoins with free heating. Just make sure you open a window though, you don't want to be that one idiot who passes out due to heat.



That guy must probably be bummed that the hospital wouldn't consider taking his Bitcoins for the service rendered. I have to repeat it again, would permanent minor brain damage make him stop mining for them? I would have really thought the reverse would be true in that instance.

Anyone with half a brain, even a heaatstroke retarded one, would have had reality sink in on the matter.

Wasn't it a big red flag that Bitcoins may not have been all that if the person selling Bitcoin shirts didn't actually accept Bitcoins because:

"Bitcoins are too precious to spend anyway with their value rising so fast."

Why no, by no means is that possibly a warning sign of some type. Then again, this was just another opportunity for speculation and there certainly aren't enough of those going around these days.

What I'm waiting for is for someone to pull off a Bitcoin investment scam... It's like a-no wait, it would be a ponzi scheme within a ponzi scheme. If only people realized that you can't escape capitalism by creating a new currency and running away.

It is odd that before the .01 mark, everyone could plainly see that the bubble was coming, but they kept on going with it. It's like playing musical chairs or something.



Though the nice thing about this market bubble bust is that there's going to be a lot of people who want out of this stupid thing and they're going to flood the market with their useless overclocked video cards for pennies on the dollar.

It's just funny to see what people were willing to do for fake internet dollars. Look at this hired hitman...



Or maybe you should call him a Bitman for hire? Though the catch phrases could be pretty sweet. "Prepare to die, shitface! I'm about to write *puts on sunglasses*... your o-BIT-uary".

Assassin's Creed: Bitcoinhood. But what happens if he pussies out and/or gets arrested? Do you get your bitcoins back? No?! What a rip off!

Buying overclocked video cards, drugs and maybe groceries? Perhaps one should sell everything, mortgage a house out, sell their children into slavery and invest it all into Bitcoins and a gun with one single bullet for when the bubble burst. It would be the ultimate interesting option in life.

They should totally make it worth whoring yourself out for... Oh wait, Bitcoinbabes actually exist.. or should I say existed.



I say that because of the way the market fluctuated over the popularity of this piece of shit currency. And because of what happened yesterday.

You see, the price of Bitcoins went up from $7 when I first heard of them to peaking around $30. Then over the course of a few days it started slipping under $27. The other day it was at $17 and in a crazy turn of events it went from $17 to $0.01 in a day...

Basically, the Bitcoin market just crashed like a car hitting a tree.

So what exactly happened? Well, the moment someone posted "SELL SELL SELL" on the internet it caused the prices to come crashing down. How about them apples. Who doesn't want a currency that is dependent on the fickle nature of people on the internet? Though to be fair, that right there is the sound of a classic speculative bubble bursting.

You would think that the price would have hovered around $5-10 as that's about how much it cost in electricity to mine the suckers. But nope!

Perhaps the whole purpose of all this was to show that capitalism was attributing value of insanity and that the market economy is in essence the equivalent of magic men making up shit off the top of their heads.

Or maybe perhaps that Obama needs to take steps to bail out the Bitcoin.

For a while there I was thinking that it must be nice to be that one lucky son of a bitch who had $1000 in bitcoins when they were only $0.05 each. What a wild ride he took as they went up to $28 each, only to come crashing down to $0.01. Well, at least he doubled his investment. That is unless he spent it all on internet heroin.



It's just funny to me. All of it. It's as if they want to buy a one way ticket out of this capitalist system but they've paying with Bitcoins. Trying to escape and yet falling for a transparent speculative venture. Why hey, I always said that capitalism could use a bit more capitalism!

Speculation is awesome if you're the guy putting it on so you can leave just when the crash triggers. Even funnier is that by simple virtue of you leaving, you're the one that triggers it. Who wouldn't want to be a speculator? They make billions in one day and literally rob the bank with no penalties



And from what I hear, someone sold 261383 BTC @ 0.01 USD at mtgox. Apparently all those were stolen bitcoins. It's the first and last recorded bit heist. And it may very well have caused this house of cards to come crashing down.

I guess the only question left is how does one jump out of a basement's window? The comical thing to all this is that when all those GPU's get ebayed, it's going to temporarily destroy the high-end GPU market as well.



So the breakdown of bitcoin history is basically this:

October 2010 - Nerd scammer created a fake online currency, uses leftover trading card game site for middle schoolers whose parents wouldn't let them play dungeons and dragons as exchange.

October 2010-May 2011 - Currency steadily gains value as it flies under the radar, entrepreneurs figure out it makes for good laundering for drug sales.

Late May 2011 - Corporate media catches on to drug trade aspect, sensationalizes internet libertarian fake currency scam in simple language the average wired reader can comprehend

June 2011 - Ensuing bubble from new attention attracts people concerned with potential vulnerabilities in system, inevitable crash happens with massive currency dumping to the point that it's only worth 1 cent.



Maybe folks should reconsider any future currency that is tied to a past expenditure that cannot be recovered or transferred. Though if that sentence made sense to you, you probably are smart enough to not fall for stupid shit like Bitcoins anyway. You can add yet another form of mining that is completely a waste of time.The other being minecraft, in the event that you were wondering.

I really hope this isn't the end of Bitcoins. Mainly because so far each disaster has outdone the last and also the suffering of the stupid is my sustenance. Besides, I haven't had a laugh like this at the hands of others expense in such a long time. It's nice and refreshing.

After all,t his is a currency that has swung by as much as 200% in a matter of days. A currency which bubbled in value by over 3000% in less than one year. A currency where, reportedly, people have had hundreds of thousands of "dollars" stolen from them electronically without any legal or financial recourse. Most of all, it was a currency that was only ever propped up by speculators, scam artist and morons hoping for easy money on the internet....

Clearly this couldn't have lasted long. In fact, the idea that it lasted this long to begin with is god damn hysterical in itself. It's not that Bitcoins as a currency are dying, it's that they were always still-born. It's only a question on how much of a puppet show they will play with the corpse of this rotting bloated body of a currency.

I'm not even entertaining the idea that with the CPU power that they are using to mine Bitcoins, that instead they could have used that CPU power could have gone towards Folding@Home and helped with potentially finding a cure for cancer..

Just food for thought.