Sunday, November 20, 2011

Alcohol Kicking Your Ass

Alcohol Kicking Your Ass

Not to be crude or anything but the most common belief that the quickest way into someone panties was with alcohol. Well, it seems that the kids of this generation are taking that literally - As they're drinking through their private parts.
PHOENIX (KPHO) -It's no secret teenagers sometimes experiment with alcohol, even drugs, but new ways they're finding to get drunk had jaws dropping in our newsroom.

"Quicker high, they think it's going to last longer, it's more intense," said Dr. Dan Quan from Maricopa Medical Center. "This is not isolated to any school, any city, any financial area," Officer Chris Thomas, a school resource officer, said. "This is everywhere."

When we heard how kids are getting drunk these days, we thought no way. So we hit up the experts to find out if it's an urban legend or if it's legit. "There's been documented cases of people going to the hospital with alcohol poisoning just from utilizing it that way," Thomas said.

Thomas spends his days patrolling the halls of a Valley high school. He's heard first hand how kids are getting tipsy. "What we're hearing about is teenagers utilizing tampons, soak them in vodka first before using them," Thomas said.

"It gets absorbed directly into the bloodstream. There's no barrier, there's no stomach acid to prevent it," Thomas said.

"I would expect it to absorb pretty quickly as well, because it's a very vascular structure," Quan told CBS 5.

"This is definitely not just girls," Thomas said. "Guys will also use it and they'll insert it into their rectums."

And that's not all.

"Using a beer bong rectally is the same concept as a vodka soaked tampon," Thomas said.

Rather than the traditional beer bong you'd find at a college party, kids are sticking the tube elsewhere to get wasted.

They're calling it "butt chugging."

Yes, that's right. They're calling it "Butt Chugging." Alert the journalism awards that they got next years winner locked down already. My goodness, this is a piece of journalism gold.

Or maybe this is just a case of white people getting bored. I mean, this sort of shit comes up all the time without any real evidence and ends up being just the local elderly worried about the kids these days. Just look at this article warning about water pipes/bongs disguised as bracelets which are apparently so much the rage with high schoolers that the high school sent home a notice even though they don't mention catching anyone with one. All this ends up being is just some sort of fucking scaremongering by the local news hacks.

Let's be real, I've been drinking alcohol for a long time now and I've never thought to myself "man, how can I get fucked up faster? I know! I'll stick it up my ass or soak a tampon with it and stick that up my ass"

Not even in the most drunkest state of mind have I thought that. You know why? Well, because I would be drunk and in no need to achieve that level anymore. But still, I'm pretty damn sure I would never actively or soberly stick something up my ass in hopes that I get drunk. In fact, it's a catch 22, you'd probably have to get me real drunk to stick something up there and.. well, purpose is defeated.

But in any case, maybe I should look into one of those bracelets and put it on my Christmas list. These kids today are getting smarter and smarter. Maybe they are doing this. I mean, if you put in Vodka Tampons into google, the second result of it is "Vodka for kids". So maybe they are on to something...

What with Thanksgiving coming up, maybe I should load up on some feminine products...

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