Saturday, November 19, 2011

You're Bacon Me Crazy

You're Bacon Me Crazy

You know what gets me in the mood for some down and dirty sweaty monkey love? Bacon. Oh yes. Nothing screams "take me now, and make me squeal like a pig!" like the scent of bacon on your mind. Thankfully you can recreate that feeling every night in your bedroom without the need of a cast iron skillet and some fatty bacon frying with this lovely new product... BACON LUBE.
J&D’s Foods is pleased to announce the launch of baconlube! Yes, the world’s first bacon-flavored personal lubricant.

J&D’s baconlube™ is water based, proudly Made in America and is the gold standard of meat flavored massage oils. Baconlube is like the McRib of sex - it’s delicious, makes men crazy, is here for a limited time and is in short supply, so don’t miss out.
We only made 3,000 bottles of this pork flavored nectar and it’s available starting Tuesday November 14th at for $11.99 – just in time to make for a very happy holiday season.

FACT - People are passionate about bacon. According to a recent survey of Canadians by Maple Leaf Foods, Canada’s market leader in the bacon category, when asked to choose between bacon and sex, more than four in 10 (43%) chose bacon. Thanks to baconlube, Canadians will never have to choose between two of life’s greatest pleasures again. So you’re welcome Canada, you’re welcome - we’ve got your back.

If you like to Keep It Sizzlin' we’d love for you to be one of the first anointed with baconlube. If you’re interested please email us at SOME SPAM ACCOUNT @ WHATEVS and be sure to include your address and contact info.

See attached release for more info about baconlube and J&D’s Foods.

Justin & Dave

P.S. Yes, this is really real.

P.P.S. Don’t you judge us, we all knew it would end up here someday. And yeah, your right we probably did go too far this time. Sorry mom.
Well, that's....certainly something. It's a good thing they finally came out with this. Up till now I've been trying to find creative ways to involve bacon in my down and dirty seasons without the resulting day after being full of pimples and a big greasy dick. God bless America for this effort in advancement of my personal kink to be able to literally PORK my girlfriend.

I'm going to go out on a limb here and say that maybe it's not just me, but when I'm in the mood for sex, I don't really associate bacon apart of the thought process in all of it. So you're probably wondering how this all started anyway. It shouldn't surprise anyone that it was all from an April Fool's Joke:
We have one small admission to make - baconlube began as an elaborate April Fool's prank and was never intended to be a real product. When the joke ended, the emails kept coming and coming and coming. People harassed us via email, in public and in highly inappropriate ways (thanks for that). The baconlube waiting list grew to thousands of people! Expectations were built, we had to deliver.

So who's responsible for this highly anticipated creation actually coming to life? Slightly perverted bacon obsessed people, that's who. And an intern named Martin, who sacrificed and offended his taste buds in the name of science on sample after failed sample before this really did taste like bacon.

We'll make no judgments about why people want this or what they want to do with it, but baconlube is here, it's real and available now just in time for the holidays! Supplies are very limited.
Well then, I know what I'm giving all my vegan and vegetarian friends for Christmas. What amazes me is that 4 in 10 Canadians prefer bacon over sex. Don't get me wrong, I love me some bacon. I just don't love bacon more than I love me some sex.

But if you're going to go that route, perhaps you should spice up the night and swoon your lucky lady love's heart with a dozen of these fine beauties.

Man, am I curious as to what kind of person would really want to receive this bouquet. A greasy couple of strips of dead pig meat shaped like flowers. Even if it is delicious and all that, let's be real here.. bacon is not a romantic food for any normal human being by any stretch of the imagination.

Besides, anyone who would actually use bacon lube during sex... don't they know that the concept is a bit redundant. They already make ranch dressing after all or maybe they're already a regular consumer of buttermilk sauce. Man, that can be some sexy times when you bust out the buttermilk sauce.

What the fuck ever happened with basic whipped cream anyway? Maybe some laid out on body parts to lick off. That in itself is fine. But do you really need to get into strange flavors? I mean, lube just sounds strange. Though maybe you can enjoy both worlds of bacon and some what sane sexual food pairings with this little sucker..

Yup, bacon takes over the world. Is there really any overlap between people who would consider using this and people who actually would have sex? No wait. I'm pretty sure there's someone with low enough expectations that they can find a mate.

Besides, isn't this a few years too late? I mean, are people even talking about bacon anymore? I thought that internet meme and fad went away a long time ago. I'm hoping that you can somehow use this as some sort of emergency provision in the event of an Earthquake

Food for thought on this: Firefighters have suggested that the smell of burning flesh smells a lot like pork frying. Which makes sense considering the flesh of a pig is very similar to humans and is used in a lot of experiments.... So in a sense, we already have that bacon smell in all of us..

In the end most of these bacon-flavored products don't even taste like bacon. They just taste like shit with liquid smoke added into the mix while being a salty mess. But hey, you say it taste like bacon and there you go.

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