Saturday, November 5, 2011

McRib Is Back!

McRib Is Back!

Please be on the look out. The McRib is back and it will only be back for six weeks. Then it will go back to its hidden secret spot and only come out again when the McDonalds hype machine deems it appropriately so.

The McRib truly is a gross slab of mucous on a dry piece of bread with some chopped onions and lame pickles. And you can see how much its put on the McPedestal here. As you can see, we can do a whole episode on the true American values. That is to say, we value meat-shaped meat.

My first piece of advice would be to not go to McDonalds. But if you are simply compelled to try this monster for yourself, may I suggest that you ask your McDonalds trained employee to put on angus pickles on your McRib. They are better than normal awful pickles.... and probably have double the calories.

Speaking of which. The McRib will set you back 500 calories. Holy shit. For that sandwich alone it's 500 calories? How the fuck do you even manage that? Perhaps you should get a pork sandwich instead since the McRib isn't even that large. So 500 calories is amazing for that.

500 Calories is fucking nuts for a little flappy thing the size of a wallet. Forget fuel cells, it's all about powering the future with McRibs. Even if it's proven that it's like crack..
The latest study, published March 28 in "Nature Neuroscience," likened the affects of high-fat, high-calorie fast food to those of cocaine or heroin, in animals at least.

The researchers showed that the pleasure-center in rats brains were overstimulated from the fast food similar to an addict's cocaine binge. Eventually, the pleasure centers became so overloaded that rats needed more and more food to feel normal, according to Paul H. Kenny, an associate professor of molecular therapeutics at the Scripps Research Institute.
There was some study of fast food menus where they found that restaurants will load their more "addictive" elements into their cheaper menu items, like how most sandwiches on dollar menus have no veggies but are covered in mayo. I think they found that this trend held even when it wasn't necessarily cost-effective to make the addictive food cheaper. It's all about stimulating the right parts of the tongue and brain to get you hooked.

See, not only did I just tell you that the McRib is back, but I dropped some food science on your ass as well. Which is the main reason why I avoid falling victim to their capitalist marketing schemes by buying mayo and corn syrups in bulk and eating them straight. Gotta cut out the middle man in all of this, I say.

Then there's those who only eat McDonalds ironically, and you know this because they're in real good shape and can run a block without being completely winded. Though I have to wonder why anyone would eat anything ironically..... mainly because why the fuck would you eat anything ironically? That's just fucking stupid.

Did you know that people with gluten sensitivities cannot eat McDonald's hamburgers at all. Even without the bun. It's because the patty is crammed with so much wheat filler that it's pretty frightening and if you're paying $4 for a sandwich like the McRib, you're just fucking stupid from the get go.

I do have to ask why the McRib is always so sloppily assembled. Come on, teens and immigrants, have some pride in your wage slavery. Put those pickles and onions on a little more slowly before pouring on that BBQ sauce on that freshly microwaved pork patty.

Touching back on the subject. I realize that it's all about creating hype for the product, but the intermittent time between when the McRib is available is just strange. It's as if pork surplus season just kicked in or something. Maybe it's them cashing in on those porkbelly futures. Or maybe it really is just the hype.

Yeah. It's the hype. Though to be honest the appeal of "McRib is back!" got so old a long time ago for me that they should probably be finding another way to market this motherfucker. By now even people who "like" the McRib know it's disgusting, but some time over the last century it became American to punish yourself through your culinary choices. This is the meatship of our generations Mayflower - Only this time with less homeless people.

Because really, have you've seen most benches outside of a McDonalds? They always have the stupid clown sitting right there ready for a photo you are about to take with whomever you are with sitting next to Ronald.

This should be a classic teaching lesson for the elite. It's basics How To Keep Vagrants From Sleeping On A Bench: You put a fucking statue of Ronald McDonald on it. No one is sleeping on that mofo on this very night. The irony of that is that Ronald McDonald has been a vagrant for years now.

BREAKING NEWS! OAKLAND P.D. Brutalize Clown Vagrant! McDonald "refused" to vacate the bench outside of McDonalds. More on this and more on the 10 o'clock news.

Yeah, where was I? Oh yeah, the McRib has got to be the worse thing ever. Please don't eat it.

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