Saturday, May 26, 2012

You Sunk My Battleship

You Sunk My Battleship

Over the weekend I ran across a 720p CAMS version of this god damn movie. What with the levels of intoxication that I was probably running, I sort of had to pull the trigger and act out on my inner need for piracy at this point. I mean, I could have waited for the 1080p CAMS version, but how much quality could I really be missing out on -- I told myself.

At this point I have to say that this movie based off a board game is simply not good. I know! I'm as shocked as you are, my good friends. How dare they take something so complex as Battleship, a violent game of blindly trying to guess where your opponent placed his ships on a X and Y axis, and turn it into some sort of Transformers.

I think that it was just a little too much military porn for my taste. But hey, can't fault them on glossing over the death and injuries -- let me tell you, there was a lot of that. I guess you can call it a "Summer Blockbuster", but that's really just sugar coating the real name of this piece of shit -- which is that it's a tolerable waste of time.

Where else are you going to see veterans start up an old battleship so that they can take on aliens to the tune of some really shitty AC/DC music track? That's to the levels of ID4's original ending with Randy Quad flying his dust cropper into the mouth of the alien ship.

If there's one thing I could recommend or even suggest about this film, it's that you should save yourself some time and just go into this at around the 30 minute mark -- This means just enjoying your time while out on that date and telling her not to worry that the movie started 25 minutes ago. With this piece of advice you'll walk in right when the alien attacks begin, and who isn't up for some good ol' fashion alien attacking action where some cities get destroyed in true CGI fashion? Those little spinning metal balls are all around fun and destructive.

Basically everything that you need to know about this film is that there is a character named "Stone Hopper". And if that doesn't tell you the entire tale, I don't know what will. I'm just wondering what the next board game turned movie franchise will be? "Mouse Trap - Coming soon to a theater near you!"

It is doing gangbusters internationally though. So maybe the answer is that people want more movies featuring destroyers and battleships doing skid turns and fucking shit up. I don't know how possible that shit is really to do, but apparently it happens in this film, so it must be true! I probably will never call the Navy a bunch of queer sailors again, least I want my home to be bombarded with blast from their ship.

Is it worth watching? My god, no. And really, it's not very healthy. I have to admit, I kinda get why Chris Brown beat the shit out of Rihanna now, after watching this film. I'm feeling that he was justified, if nothing more than he probably saw into the future.

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