ACCEPT NO SUBSTITUTES
Can I have a Coke? We don't have Coke, is Pepsi alright? Why do I care how Pepsi is feeling?
That classic line that any spot that doesn't have Coke has to deal with. Wondering if Pepsi is alright. And we all know the answer to that is no. Pepsi is NOT alright. That's like ordering a steak and then being asked if chicken is okay. That is not what I ordered and I refuse to accept that as a substitute.
I somehow found myself in a Starbucks the other day, and while they still had straws, they didn't have something that offended me worse. Now, I realize it's a coffee place, but I seem to be amazed that they have an assortment of tea variety that seems sometimes mad scientist-centric.
They had something called a Mango Dragon fruit tea on the board not only once in "hot new product you gotta try!" store promotion board, but also in the creative corner where a talented artistic Starbucks employee is task to draw something that they are selling. So feeling like that sounded unique and refreshing I begin to do the strange dance that is ordering at Starbucks.
First you gotta figure out what the translation to sizes are because of their inability to just say small, medium and large. But after code breaking all that shit, I ask for the Mango Dragon fruit tea. To which they alert me that they don't have the Dragon Fruit aspect of the drink.
How the fuck do you run a promotion on the board, get someone to draw a dragon spitting out refreshing flames also promoting the drink and NOT have a key component to the actual drink. Then to add insult to injury, which I'm sure the guy was just taking out on me a verbal lashing he probably received from a disgruntled soccer mom earlier, he told me "It's actually a Mango Dragonfruit Lemonade Starbucks Refreshers® Beverage", as if that bit of knowledge was suppose to get me woke for the future of when I try to order it at a Starbucks that is equipped to serve me.
First, what the fuck is a refresher? The thing isn't coffee and if it's not coffee at starbucks, than it has to be... tea? I mean, maybe it's just a series of liquid made out of sugar compounds and thrown together. Who knows. The point is the only solution to this whole thing was that he offered me the Mango Dragonfruit Lemonade Starbucks Refreshers® Beverage with just the Mango.
The nerve! Do I order a hamburger and be okay if the fast food jockey behind the register tells me that they can't fulfill the meat patty aspect of the burger? No sale, Barista! You either go full measures or not at all. You can't go half measure on a Mango Dragonfruit Lemonade Starbucks Refreshers® Beverage, that's not what the copyrights was paid for. You need to give me he whole goddamn thing, and I don't know how you can really call it a lemonade when there's three components to the whole goddamn thing and Lemonade just sounds like it's writing its name on the card of a coworkers gift at the last minute to tag along.
The point of this thinly veiled yelp review of a mysteriously poorly stocked star bucks is that you shouldn't just settle for anything less than what you were marketed to hell on before you got to the register. If you know what I'm saying. That's just being true to yourself. And let's be honest, you are going to starbucks for a Starbucks Refreshers® Beverage, whatever the fuck that really is.
Honestly, I don't know where this was actually going. It was more of a free form thought ramble and some bits about really being bent out of shape for not trying a stupid "Refresher Beverage". Which seems like the dumbest thing ever, but at least I got some writing in from that experience.
Also, no one ever wants fucking Pepsi instead of Coke. So we should just stop assuming that they can be interchanged. They can't. Stop trying to make that a thing already!