Monday, August 13, 2018



In this job market, it's basically a cut throat world where not even a fancy college degree that you got into crushing student debt for can really guarantee you a spot in the high stakes world of employment. But face it, you need a job.  Makes you wonder that even with your no experience having self, if you apply for something you are pretty sure you can handle, but don't have the experience on paper or work history to... should you lie on that resume? More than anything, what will be the consequences of you lying on your resume?

First off, the Holy Ghost will clearly look down upon you with anger and furious spite.

But if you can get past being able to look at yourself int he mirror for the rest of your life, I have good news. It's usually very easy to get away.  In reality, most HR departments are over worked and understaffed as is, that they very rarely do anything more than minimal background diligence when hiring someone new. Besides, jobs are just a means to an end. not your whole identity of your life. So fuck it, lie if you have to get in.

Shit, lie your way to the top. Believe me, a lot of people do it. I got the best job of my life because I lied about it. Last a shit ton of years and well, while I knew a bit of what I was doing, a lot of work these days are learned on the job. The whole scam of school and internships are just a means to keep people working hard for little to no pay anyway. If you aren't fucking the system, the system is fucking you. Just remember that, kiddos. In re-reading that, I'm now starting to realize why I was never asked back to talk to kids from my elementary school.

For the most part people don't have the time to deal with checking qualifications, let alone past work history. I mean, if you want to not bullshit everything, probably just get character references for who you are. Though I'm not going to be a prude. If you want to just flat out lie about your history report, go for it.

I don't mean to encourage lying, but we all have someone who will answer the phone and say you worked for them even though they never did. There's really is no downside to lying on your resume. If you are confident that you can do the work, actually, fuck it, even if you are NOT confident that you can handle the job, you still should lie and then fake it till you make it. That is, after all, the American dream.

More than that, like I mentioned earlier, in this job market, you flat out MUST lie on your resume. Everyone else is doing it and if you aren't, you're already five steps below them. Don't go small either. Like, leaving it at just padding the years and using flowery language for meaningless task you did. No. Straight up make up whole stretches of high level work and degrees you don't have. Go big, homie. GO.FUCKING.BIG!

Most people worry about putting old jobs that they got fired for questionable shit from. Look, just lie about why the reason you left was. Most of the time companies are only willing to confirm employment and won't give any detail for fear of being sued for defamation in case they fuck up and say something off or it comes back to bite them. We live in a world of fucking each other over. So start doing it!

Just think, there's people who just decided that they wanted to be a dentist and started practicing dentistry. Didn't get no fucking degree and aren't caught for, like, 30 years. Meaning presumably there's some that just never get caught at all. It's straight up anarchy out there and your living it.

Besides, we're probably one of the last generations that will ever be able to get away with lying about employment histories....

 ... You see, because we are all going to die in a nuclear war, climate change, or just some stupid virus in the near future. So fuck it, go wild.  Then again, if there's a nuclear war you probably won't die in the initial exchange. You'll just rot away from radiation sickness or cancer, or you'll get murdered by roaming bandits. The point is nothing really matters so you may as well just say you worked an extra year at that one place you didn't actually.

"But lying is unethical!" you say. Then again so are most businesses. So really, you'd be showing how well you fit into a corporation structure by being a huge phony just like them.  In fact, why even stop at that one job. Look, how about you just lie your way into a job, then after a few months you use your current job as evidence to get into your next job. Repeat one or two times and then you'll have a "real" resume and won't have to worry about being found out. See how you can launder your lies to a real fully fleshed out job experience?

Some people would just advise you to embellish stuff that is rooted in truth. Like instead of  putting a garbage man, you can always just say you're an environmental technician or instead of a subway asshole, you can just write that you are a sandwich artist. Either way both positions deal with trash all day and I will still look at you the same way, so you may as well just lie and tell me you spent four years in a technical college.

The point is that most companies don't even read resumes anymore when they hire because, let's be real here, everyone fucking lies on them. Lying about skills and credentials are essential for any job. Just think about it. While we're at it. Why would you lie to get a job anyway? You want money, not the job. Lie to the bank and just take their money. Unless you just want to lie in order to get the job in the bank! Then you get tons of money, and you get to continue to lie.

The point is just lie. No one is going to fault you and if they do, they're fucking lying to your face. The world revolves around liars. People lying to shareholders, the government, customers, other employees, your coke dealer.... literally everyone.

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