Saturday, August 4, 2018



In the event that you haven't watched any news, an of course, have great reason to actually read this sort of half assed opinionated news blog, a cute white girl named Mollie Tibbetts went missing in Iowa. Being that she is both white and attractive, the media has pushed itself in to overdrive to cover this. More so than any other Iowans. I chalk that up to her being the whitest of the white as well as the circumstances around her disappearance are completely spooky.

Let me break down some of the known factors -

- She was staying at her boyfriend's apartment watching his dogs as he was away.
- He was ruled out as a suspect because of his alibi.
- That night she went out jogging around a creepy as fuck pig farm. And let's be honest, pig farms by default are pretty creepy. This one was a bit extra.
- She made it back to the apartment based on data collected from her cell phone and fitbit. Once there she got back to doing homework.
- She disappeared sometime after the last bullet point.
- Pig Farmer dude has a lot of priors for stalking
- Reports came in that some dude was sighted in the area taking pictures of female joggers in the past
- She may have been sighted since her disappearance
- Investigators found some article of clothing which can loosely be tied to her due to its color. This was found near the creepy pig farm.
- There's a $172,000 reward for her return. Again, nice white privilege there.

It really just warms me up inside to know that things never change, like when a young attractive white woman goes missing, it garners national attention. Because I still don't know why we care about this particular missing white girl vs other missing white girls.

I'm also just waiting for Elon Musk to tweet that he's going to aid the search by having a self-driving Tesla scour the Iowa country side for clues. I mean, have you guys seen Gone Girl? Just saying, maybe this is just a way for HBO to promote SHARP OBJECTS some more.

I mean, with that amount of reward, anyone who has her locked in some basement or something would probably roll over pretty quickly on their cohorts. Do you know how many pigs that amount can buy? I mean, that is assuming the pigs didn't eat her already like all of us were thinking based off years of television situations of disposing a body via pig food.

Did you not know? You'd need sixteen pigs to finish this job in one sitting. Which is always why you never trust someone with a pig farm. Any man who keeps a pig farm... you can bet they have disposed a body or two in their day. Not even in a malicious way, I think it is just come to be expected to try once. But pigs can go through a body that weighs 200 pounds in about eight minutes. That means a single pig can consume two pounds of uncooked flesh every minute. Now you know where the expression "Greedy as a pig" comes from.

While he was cleared, I want to spend a moment on the boyfriend. "Missing University of Iowa student's boyfriend speaks out: 'Just imagine if somebody had taken your Mollie'". You see, she stole his fucking drugs while watching his dogs.

Look, maybe I'm just being an optimist here, but maybe she just willingly left Iowa? I mean, it's Iowa and an attractive female just would want to get the fuck out of Iowa. Come to think of it, I'm really trying my best to picture Iowa and failing as I'm only thinking of Idaho. Idaho is the one with the potatoes, I can't even think what the fuck Iowa has, except creepy pig farms and white women, I guess. Soy? I dunno. I'll just toss in corn, cause corn fields would totally make this story scarier when it's turned in to a movie. You know it's going to happen. But yeah, what the fuck does Iowa even have going for itself?

What I'm trying to say is at some point I'm just going to assume that Iowa isn't even a real place. And even if it was, I sort of always assumed anyone in Iowa was already dead to some degree on the inside.

Then again, if she did run away, there would be some evidence of her getting ready to bounce. Cash withdrawals, issues with the boyfriend, family, friends and her schooling. So yeah, I guess she's probably creepy framer pig food right now and we all know how this is going to play out.

The pig farmer will be taken in for questioning. The towns people will want to demand he handed over to them for mob justice. The wise law abiding sheriff will refuse, sighting that a man is innocent even if he's a fucking creepy pig farmer. The people will standoff all night until finally the most predominate richest man in town leads the mob to break the jail apart to get him. Creepy pig farmer will be lynched in the center of town while the masses raise their pitch forks and torches and minutes later the missing girl will get off an arriving bus and ask a person in the mob what is exactly happening. The person will catch her up without realizing she is the missing girl. For he didn't even know what attractive Iowan looks like. But distraught of the idea of this creepy pig farmer's actions against a woman, she will join the masses annnnnnnnd we cut to Rod Serling who wraps up this cautionary tale for us as we settle down for the evening.

No comments: