Wednesday, August 8, 2018



In an effort to better treat my long term health as something I just don't test the limitations on with what I eat, I have gone back to walking on a treadmill for a number of minutes a day. When you're on one of those, life can just seem like it's passing by at a slower pace. Hell, boredom sets in in a crazy way. Especially since you can't really just walk there seeing the mounds of fat melt away. So here's a couple of ways to run away from the boredom.

Lift weights instead! Come on, it's much better on your knees and you'll have the sickest of guns to show off and still not be able to open up tightly closed jars.

Stare at one of the people lifting those weights until they make eye contact and then quickly look away. See how long you can stare before they notice. It's a wonderful game and it can be played with just about anyone - even if they don't know they are playing along.  And if you've been beaten up one too many times doing that, just stare at a spot on the ground in front of you and just get lost in thought that you are no better than a hamster.

Run outside instead. Yeah, after a while the world is pretty boring if you're just looking at it from a fixed location.

It may be a good idea to hire a prostitute to stand in front of the treadmill and say vaguely suggestive and provocative sexual things to you while you run. Honestly, you burn a lot more calories if you run like a horny character in a Looney Tunes short with your hands reaching out in front of you, tripping over your wagging tongue. Just careful not to let it get caught in the rotation or you'll get some comical high-jinks

Eat! Sure, I could enjoy a light snack during jogging on the treadmill... You know, like a box of donuts and some Jack Daniels. But that typically leaves me stumbling all over it and if you think people get mad when you leave sweat all over the machine, you don't want to see the looks they give you when you leave your lunch all over it.

Look brah, my bad. next time I'll skip the donuts and just buy one of those whole Costco chickens and go to town while running if you're so hung up on my health. 

Just don't forget to put the hate in your heart and purpose in your soul by cranking up the Death Metal on your phone.

Honestly, this is the golden age for maintaining treadmill sanity when you think about it. We have Podcast, Netflix, Youtube, Hulu, audiobooks, facebook, instagram. A shit ton of options to numb your mind while doing something meaningless and boring. Hell, I'll even suggest looking at the Twitch streamers while you're conducting your routine to escape being fat. Even giving you the pass to watch the big breasted ones playing pointless games like Dead by Daylight.  You have my permission. 

Oh, did you think I was going to suggest looking at the yogapant sluts? You horn dog. First off, don't call people sluts because of how they dress. Unless, of course, they are wearing a shirt that said "Please address me as a slut, no it's cool. I made this shirt on purpose, this isn't a marketing slogan. Call me a slut - it is what I wish to be called of my own free will and choice." Then I guess it's okay to call them that. But it seems like that's the only exception that I could think of.

Anyhow, if all else fails, just shed the burden of being a man and allow yourself to become a slavering treadmill beast. Anything to go against the cravings of consumption and break the will to not be fat anymore.

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