As a conservative station I'm constantly confused as to what Fox news is actually trying to "report" on. In this weeks situation, it's Pussy Glitter.
Jennifer Love Hewitt recently decorated her nether regions with Swarovski crystals, turning her naughty bits into -- her words -- a "pink disco ball."
It’s called Vajazzling. Like Bedazzling, you know? That infomercial about putting rhinestones on your clothes? Only this is no denim vest enhanced by a handheld machine that you can get for just $19.95 if you call right now. With vajazzling, you go into a high-end salon, get waxed bare, and are bejewled below the belt.
The procedure goes something like this: You choose your design and they wax you bare as the day you were born. Then the design is hand-glued, crystal by crystal, or a crystal "tattoo" is applied. Generally, the vajazzling is done just above the, well, key player, as it were. Having it done any further down is not recommended, though from Hewitt’s description, it sounds like she went all out. Some women have a very small, simple design done high enough that low-slung jeans will reveal a glimmer. But the real thing is as low as you dare to go. Basically, where the hair was, now there are crystals.
So, in the name of journalism, I decided I had to get vajazzled myself.
I’ve been vajazzled for a few days now and the adhesive is still going strong (although the instructions say you should leave the decals on for only eight hours. Yikes). Completely Bare says its version lasts at least five days. My next trip to New York City, I am definitely paying them a visit.
Most of the day, I completely forget I’m vajazzled. But when I do remember, it makes me smile. Having those clandestine crystals makes me kind of feel like a rock star. Only I get to decide who can see it, and I feel – don’t laugh – a little bit like my naughty bits have super powers.
I put some of the more shocking shit in bold. This reporter has had it on for a few days even though they suggest to just keep it on for 8 hours. SAY WHAT?! Woah, fucking gross! That implies that she hasn't washed down there well enough to get glitter off.
Oh man, this reporter always has the best shit stories ever. Not to mention that this is old as fuck. So that means me writing a blog about it, even though I've already mentioned it a long time ago seems like a cop out of a topic. But then again, this is about a female private party - So I'm sure it will get a pass for those of you who just can't help but read about Clitter.
I mean, regardless of this being a tool of the patriarchy, it at least shows that something is wrong with the person. At the very least this is all a symptom of loneliness and depression. A well adjusted human has no reason to modify their pubic region in such a manner. Due to her extreme mental stress she turned her frustrations inwards and mutilated a part of her body.
I don't think I ever was bored enough to suggest that I wanted rhinestones on my penis. Even if it did mean I could say that I want to fuck while "Like a rhinestone cowboy" played. Maybe I should just get my testicles vajazzled and call them my disco balls. You don't see guys wanting truck nutz for their nuts. Why would someone want some glitter for their clit?
Is the idea to make it pretty? It's not like I'm thinking to myself that I always wanted to make love to a barnacle encrusted chunk of driftwood. But this isn't all that uncommon in the history of man. The Yakuza implant pearls in their dicks for their woman's pleasure. Which reminds me that I need to go to Japan sometime to get that done.
as a man, i do find the general look and presentation of the vagina to be sorely lacking. in fact, they sometimes tend towards the outright grotesque. im glad someone has finally adorned them with some of the things i love: sparkly rhinestones. im gay. It's not like every time I'm "down there" I'm thinking to myself, "why can't this silly little thing look more like Elton John's glasses?". Intelligent design my hot toned botoxed ass!
But this really makes you wonder about Fox's real stance. I mean, their culture stuff is really all over the place, no where near as straight conservative as you or I would think it would be. Actually paying attention on woman's bits instead of mans' is conservative. It's really all about the patriarchal, but I'd think just never mentioning genitals would be more conservative.
Either way, Fox turned into a hardcore sex channel so gradually I didn't even notice. Maybe they wanted to report on this in an effort to encourage their viewers to vajazzle their hooch with a star spangle image on their vagina. A little red, white and blue all in vajazzles - These cunts don't run.
But just think about every stupid trend like this in the past. There has always been a cheap dangerous equivalent that the poor get. I'm willing to put money down that there's going to be an article about some woman that mutilated her vag because he vajazzled with a hot glue gun and pieces of a broken mirror.
Maybe I just don't get it. Is the mentality here "What could make vagina more fun? Oh yeah, gluing sharp rocks to it!"? To me they look like sparkly herpes blisters and their only function will be used for strategic covering up of actual herpes blisters. I mean, this was a joke just a few years ago....
I guess I did always wonder why clams didn't wear pearls on the outside. Now when some hot vajazzled hot chick goes skinny dipping in the sea, they'll be able to hear submarine maracas as they slap their shells like the foreheads they wish had the forethought to evolve. I guess this is better than a hairy pussy, I reckon. We're not in the 70's anymore. Try to get that trimmed FYI.
Maybe it is all about feeling empowered. You get to control how your junk looks and how it's appealing to the opposite sex or something. But.. it seems pretty pointless. I'm a guy, I can tell you up front that I love me some titties and vag. I will do anything for them. How is that not empowering in itself, women?! Maybe you should realize that a females success doesn't just lie between her legs. But please don't start putting sparkle shit on your boobs.
While I'm sure I can rant on for a long time about genital sparkles, but how about I close this out with various puns for this little craze?
Pussy Grillz
Pud Diamond
Pubic Zirconia
Hymenique
Diamonds on the muff
2-carat cooch curtains
DeBeered Clam
blood diamonds
Shine on you crazy Vagina
The Diamond Cuntel
Lucy has a pie with diamonds
Once a month you get Blood Diamonds
I've seen things you people wouldn't believe. Attack clits on fire off the shoulder of Orion. I watched sparkly vagina glitter in the dark near the Tannhauser gate. All those moments will be lost in time... like tears in rain... Time to die.
In the end the Vajazzler is like the Henna of the Tattoo world. It's for pussies that don't have the balls to pierce. All I know is that for virgins who finally get the chance to have sex with someone and it's with someone who Vajazzled themselves they can really say
"MY GOD... IT'S FULL OF STARS!
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