Sunday, April 4, 2010

Happy Zombie Day!

Happy Zombie Jesus Day!

You may not realize it.... oh fuck it, I'm not going to lie. Doing the whole "Jesus is a zombie" thing is far from edgy. I mean, every one realizes it, right? He died.. came back from the dead* and all that other shit. He's a fucking Zombie. Perhaps the first zombie. But then again, that is if Jesus actually existed. Okay, let me rephrase that. Jesus may have existed and he was a terrorist of his day and age. He died but he sure as hell didn't come back to life. But if we're playing along with the whole Christian Easter thing then we'll just pretend that he did.. on the third day.. which still doesn't make sense because Sunday is only two days after Good Friday.... and really, was it THAT good of a Friday if your messiah is dying?

What it seems to me happened was that some guy got nailed to a piece of wood for suggesting that we all be nice to each other for a change. This, of course angered the local authorities in power. You would probably consider him a terrorist in today's modern day setting. But apparently this government run execution event should be celebrated by us as a great moment in human history.

I typically have no problem proclaiming my feelings toward organized religion, so I can honestly tell you that if you think a guy literally rose from the dead 200 years ago just because it was written in a religious text, well then that's pretty dumb.

Not to mention that if you were actually going for the literal translation as seen in the bible, then you'd realize that they never found his grave, and were crying and then Mary hallucinated seeing him and her faith was restored. He never came back to life, Body of Christ means the church body, not his actual body. So it's sort of funny to see Dogmatic Christianity ignoring what's written in their own bible.

If anything, Easter is a celebration of the supernatural tyranny that enslaves a large proportion of humankind. The very best that could be said of it is that Easter eggs are pretty good and enjoyable to color when bored and you have an abundance of vinegar laying around. Pound for pound, Stalin did more to bring social justice to the world's poor than Christianity has in the 1900 years or so since some dudes in togas who were privileged and educated enough to write decided to invent it.

Want more proof? If you check Wikipedia right now you'll actually see that Jesus took 4 days to rise from the grave.

FYI - I know this because I edited wikipedia to say that just now.

wikipedia is kind of like the bible that way

But I'm getting off the point about Zombie Jesus, because that's the important aspect here. You see, Jesus was that first Zombie. Maybe it's not just more "lost through translation", but perhaps the whole "Eat the body and blood of Christ" is actually code in the bible that there was many zombies in the time of the bible's writing?

Perhaps the next book that gets the ".... And Zombies" treatment like Pride & Prejudice should be "The Bible....and zombies" Don't you get it? JESUS WAS A ZOMBIE!

Just picture it now. Judas was actually the hero of the story. At the time there was clearly no shot guns, then again, shotguns would be the worse weapon to kill a zombie. You need to let them get up close to you before you pull the trigger or those small pellets wouldn't do much against them. Had to hang them up high so they wouldn't claw and try to chew on you. This is where a cross would be put to good use.

Hell, even the idea of Jesus carrying the cross to one of his many "dying" places could be seen as him shambling. Do I need to make this any clearer? Jesus is a zombie and the Bible really should get the ".... and zombie" treatment!

Where do you think Hide the Easter eggs came from? More than likely an attempt to teach kids to hide themselves from those zombies. Or maybe the eggs represent your head and you really should be hiding that before the zombies come and try to eat you as dinner. I know that when I got a chocolate bunny, the first thing I would do is take a nice big bite into the head of it and act like I was gnawing its brains out.

Or maybe it's not all about zombies. Maybe today should just be considered that whole spring celebration for pagans that the Church just latched itself on to. That wouldn't be something new in the religious play book, after all.

I think we should all be thankful for the one day of the year that Christians, Muslims, Jews, agnostics and atheists can all eat chocolate eggs. Perhaps you'll take advantage of the fact that in about four or five days supermarkets and other stores will have 90% off creme eggs and bunny shaped chocolates for your sweets cravings.

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