Monday, May 10, 2010

Called Baby Names

Called Baby Names

Yesterday was mother's day. Which means that you probably went to the Olive Garden or Red Lobster and sure showed mom a good time with the free amount of bread they give you. Oh man... endless bread sticks!

It also means that at one point or another she had the option to name a person. This responsibility is actually pretty big. Such a burden to carry. Did you know the United States Social Security Administration has a record of names and just recently released its list of the top baby names of 2009. The results and findings of this list is really a bit disturbing.

For girls, it seems that Isabella is top dog. For the boys, Jacob is the number one name. When you look at these two names in and of themselves they seem like normal and reasonable options. It's only until you think about the connection here and realize that the former is the long version of Bella and the latter is the name of that Wolf-Dude from Twilight.

Yes, it seems that America has spoken and apparently they're on Team Jacob. Sorry Team Edward, it's just that red blooded Americans want someone who actually has red blood running through their veins. Interested in the rest of the list? It can be found my clicking on this magic link three times... well, not really. Once is more than enough.

Other low lights of the list is that the 34th most popular girl's name is Nevaeh. Which is Heaven backwards. Khloe, independent of Chloe, is in the top 100 list. Yes, thank you Ms. Kardashian, your contribution of absolutely nothing to society is now no longer true. You've added your stupid name to the list of popular ones.

Brooklyn is 37, London is 121, Paris is 412. Scary enough "Brooklynn" and "Londyn" are in the top 400. I'm a little confused about London as a girls name. I mean, really? I would have said it was more of a boy's name. Attention parents everywhere: When you name your daughter after a city, every boy in high school is going to make an "I'd love to spend a night in _____" joke. And they'll hate you for it.

Also, if you're a parent, perhaps it is not a good idea to name your child after an actress you had the hots for. It's not what I would call a proud parenting moment and will probably crush your little crush when you realize you just associated your daughter with someone you probably beat off to.

Over on the boys side, "Messiah" comes in at 663. Just the fact that at least one person gave that as a name of their kid is horrible enough. Never mind that it's quite a lot to live up to, if it doesn't give a kid a big enough superiority complex, that is.

I once met someone who named his son Optimus and his daughter Magnus... that's just fucking stupid and you shouldn't have children. You would think that with Battlestar Galactica's popularity among nerds and nerd's propensity to name their kids after pop culture figures that Saul would have seen some resurgence, but nope. Maybe there just aren't many nerds having kids these days. Totally naming my hypothetical kid Saul, BTW. And Zoe is NOT spelled with a Y, no matter how cute Ms. Deschanel is, it just shouldn't be spelled that way.

Then again, I wonder how many names I think are spelled "incorrectly" actually predate standardized spellings and thus, may very well be incorrect the way we believe they are correct. I would also suggest naming your kid Jack, but it seems that it may not be a good option due to Jack Skellington and Jack Bauer. Don't worry, the name Jack has been around for centuries and will continue to be around long after people stop remembering 24. It's not like your giving your child Bauer for a middle name.

Names, I guess, just fluctuate back and forth. in 1950, the 1000th most popular name for girls was "Thomas" tied with "Maude". Somehow 1950 produced as many girls named Thomas as girls named Maude. Yes, that's odd in itself. Don't even get me started on twins. It seems that the twins list really is disturbing;

There's 8 sets of twins called Landon and London. 30 Taylor/Tylers.Jada/Jaden and Jayda/Jayden are also popular. Why are people giving their twins almost the same name they are not fucking goldfish. Christian/Christopher on the boys list. Well done.. You have named both of your identical children Chris... YOU FUCKING MORON!

The worse one, I have to say is Hope/Faith at number 2 on the girls list. That is like a horrible horrible sitcom. Why not just name your daughter Xyzzy. It's equally a form of child abuse as much as naming your kids some of these other names.

And yet, Adolf is not in the top 1000 names for any year of birth in the last 10 years.

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