Reasons Our Kids Are Going To Hate Us

Reasons Our Kids Are Going To Hate Us

There's plenty of shitty things we are currently doing that will cause our children to really hate us. For one thing, they'll be thanking us for allowing the rain forest, you know, the world's largest air conditioner, to get all cut down. Now it's really fucking hot all the time and the animals are all dying around us.

Way to go, older generations. They're really going to hate us for just about everything. Especially for being a deadbeat dad who never loved them or spent time with them and some shit like that. So what are some of the things that our kids are going to hate us for?

Not blowing up the moon when we had the chance

Not allowing them to exist because I'm not a goddamn breeder

Smoking weed all the time but grounding them when I find their stash.

For not getting it legalized.

For making them Americans and liable for what generations in the past did to their present.

For losing the robot-human war. Thanks for getting us enslaved, DAD!

For cursing her with my horrible genes.

For choosing to work as a public educator instead of pursuing a higher-paying career

For putting embarrassing videos of them on youtube so her grandparents could see her more frequently.

Making sure their first words were "Death to America"

For our educational system.

Oh wait, no. I meant for allowing shitty people to run my country and not violently overthrowing them.

I mean, at this point, if you have kids who are under the age of five, they'd probably be better off if you put them to sleep. Especially after the shit of a mess we are making in the world. Or you could be one of those parents who is just really uncool and make them say Daaaaaaaad! all the time by doing something embarrassing.

I'm pretty sure that generations in the near future may very well condemn us for our environmental inaction and ongoing bigotry, but the real source of shame for our descendants will most certainly be the legacies of capitalism.

Fucking around on ipods like fools. I'm pretty sure that little johnny in the year 2100 will never know the horrors of the ipod. Though they may be singing along to the n'sync on the oldies station.

They're really going to hate us for burdening them with our enormous debt. Instead of spending, we should really cut back to save for OUR CHILDREN. Maybe I'm choosing not to have kids because I simply don't want to add the risk of fathering another white oppressor into the system.

Maybe the choice here is that I should have kids. Yes, that's right. I'm going to raise my son to be a hardcore conservative catholic and when he finally starts smoking pot and rebelling against my clearly asshole right wing mentality by becoming a stern atheist, I'm going to look straight into his eyes and say with a huge smile on my face, "Son, I couldn't be more proud of you"

He's totally going to be so fucking confused by that. But it needs to be done. It's one step below naming them Sue so they grow up strong.

Even worse, I'm just going to pass down this blog post. Yes, my son is going to sit my grandson down and tell them that this account was passed onto them by his grandfather and today, it gets passed on to them. Do with it what you will.

But seriously, when most people have kids something in their brains shuts down and all they can think about is the whole world wanting to do harm to their children and they think "Oh well, the TV says weed is 200x stronger than back when I was in college" and they vote "tough on crime" candidates into office simply to think about their children.

Even worse, can you just imagine seeing some stupid teenage kid in retarded future clothing and with a lame hair cut looking at your 15-year-old daughter and then remembering all the dumb shit you did when you were high? It really is enough to make people vote republican.

Another reason for not having children is probably because I don't think it's right to pass along my genes for addiction potential and susceptibility to mental illness. Or maybe the whole fact that I'll die without the touch of a woman due to said mental illness will make sure I never have a child.

Marriage is really a shame. Let alone parenthood. For the longest time I thought my parents had a good marriage. Up until I was in my mid 20's and my mom was all like "Yeah, we almost got divorced because we dislike each other" all nonchalantly to me one day.

The thought had crossed my mind but if it's all a charade they're keeping it up for a really long time, my sisters and I have all been out of the house going on at least ten years now.

If I do have kids, I'm really going to teach my kids Chinese and Hebrew. Just so he can better serve the new world order.