Monday, February 7, 2011

The Super Bowl

The Super Bowl

Well, if the super bowl can be summed up to one thing, it's...

As Krusty the Clown would say "What the hell was that?!" I mean, seriously. Did she really say "Twilight's last glimming"? Though I guess in her defense, how often do people watch things o'er ramparts anymore anyway? Perhaps her version was better. It's not like a girl can't critique literature while singing the anthem these days.

I guess I came to the realization that the Superbowl isn't everything wrong with America. It IS America, all you need to know about this perverse and morally degraded turd of a country you can learn from tuning into what the other millions and millions are viewing with this TV event and the tradition of watching it.

All intelligence and achievement of America's scientist serves to continue the existence of the Superbowl for one more year. Yes, "Bowl" indeed for we are spinning around and around in a toilet bowl and it seems like no one is strong enough to give America a courtesy flush.

So there was apparently 8 guys playing today who are accused of sexual assault. Not to mention the scores of others who have yet to be accused of it, but you know our culture is already judging. Good thing it's guilty till proven innocent.. or black.

Most people who never watched a single football game all season just tune in because of the ads. In fact, the game has been boiled down to what ads are playing. Who gives a fuck which teams are padding out the time of the actual game.

Even I have to admit that commercials can be fun to watch in the same way that political propaganda is. But it's really hard to imagine anyone getting really excited about another god damn go daddy commercial. I mean, what the fuck Go Daddy.

I know I'm just giving them free publicity in mentioning them but it needs to be said. They have to be the worse ads ever. They're right up there with Ashley Madison ads. One of the go daddy ads was like they were at a poker table and if you wanted to be a go daddy girl you're gonna have to do something and then she looks around nervously then it cuts to "SEE WHAT HAPPENS NEXT.. Go to Go Daddy"

It's really sad that one out of every four Super Bowl commercials last year objectified women or made women out to be some stupid plaything for men. But hey, you too can go to Hulu DOT com and vot on all your favorite Super Bowl commercials!

I mean, who doesn't want to see another Fast and the Furious movie? Guilty pleasure all up in here. Bonus points for the rock being it in, wha-what! And for those of you who are complaining that the movie ads were too short at 30 seconds, what the hell? I mean.. do you know how much time cost during the Superbowl?

I think a pretty big offense to American culture during this football game was Sam Elliot yakking on about the steel industry of Pittsburgh as if it ere relevnat or even exist anymore. At least Green Bay still has cheese in production and packs meat.

Is it just me or did anyone else think that these guys in the uniforms on the field have never actually worked a day in a steel mill? Then again, I don't think Pittsburgh's had a steel milll for about 40 years now.

And while I love using the Groupon promotions my girlfriend gets, did they actually just make fun of the political struggles of Tibetan life?

Damn, that was just harsh. Ouch man. And what was with that Vince Lombardi ad? I mean, you have to wonder if there's a Vince Lombardi quote that isn't some convoluted way of saying something like "Winning is important" Because from what I see he's pretty much saying that in every god damn inspirational quote they got him down for. Way to reword statements, home skillet.

Most Superbowl parties eventually revert to the basics of "MY TEAM DID A GOOD THING AND YOURS DID A BAD ONE!! DRINK THAT DOWN!" Then you have to deal with those who will always bring up how many previous championships or titles their losing team have won in the past as if it actually meant a damn.

Need I remind you that it's socially acceptable to be drunk now. You really don't even have to care about it. Most of all, you don't need some once-a-year sporting event to fill that craving. Though if you missed this one, the next window of drunk-atunity is next month during St. Patty's day.

Here's a little reminder that most NFL players end up broke with horrible mental and physical injuries by the time they are in their late 30's. And do you think that the NFL actually covers them for life? Ha! Playing in the NFL is like working for the best Wal*mart in America.

At best, the NFL is the Gladiator games of the modern day. Rich white men sitting high up in the stadium box getting all the money, gladiators that live past their first few fights get to keep playing and get the fame with bottle rooms and what not, and if they are lucky, they end up hosting a Sunday gameday show on Fox.

If not, they get shipped off to some local sports showroom to sign autographs for $10 a signature in the hopes to make their next mortgage payment.

As for the winners of this game....

Yay! Another victory for Socialism. Indeed, for you see the Packers are the only community-owned team in the NFL owned by over 100,000 shareholders, and if anyone ever manages to sell the team all the proceeds go to charity and nobody gets any money.

So yes, a great victory for socialism wherein people will be talking about how great the commercials were at their wage slavery day-jobs serving their imperialist masters. Meanwhile they're still shooting to overthrow their dictator in Egypt.

But hey, GO PACKERS! WHOOOOOOOOOO Thank you for showing me the Captain America trailer!

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