Sunday, February 12, 2012

Getting Catholics Wet For Valentines Day

Getting Catholics Wet For Valentines Day

Doesn't that title just sound so dirty? But let's be serious here for a moment. There's nothing more disturbing than the fact that the following mentality actually exist;
"If a woman is dry, the sperm will die. If a woman is wet, a baby she may get!"
Sadly, this is true. Yes, according to a study of sex education materials used in Texas public school, it's all true...
According to a new study of sex education materials used in Texas public school classes, almost ten percent of Texas school districts mix inappropriate religious content in their sexuality education instruction. Not surprisingly, the particular expression of religion that dominates in Texas secondary schools is Christianity, primarily beliefs held in fundamentalist Protestant traditions. Some of this content is explicitly and pervasively religious in nature, like a program used in three districts, whose Web site states:
We can be born again of The Almighty Himself. We then take on His character with all of its resultant self-control, benefits, and great responsibility. You will be amazed when the "sperm" of His Spirit connects with the "ovum/egg" of your spirit and you become a "new person" with His character. How? Read about it in your Bible.
Other materials provide a strict religious test for dating, telling students that they cannot date anyone who is not a Christian. A student handout from a Central Texas district provides an example of this type of religious discrimination:
For a Christian, this is the time where he or she would find out if their potential marriage partner is also a believer in Christ. The Bible warns us that believers and unbelievers should not team up, because those living in the light (of Christ) and those living in darkness cannot live in harmony. (2 Corinthians 6:14-15)
Another district provides students with a handout entitled "Things to look for in a mate." First on the list: How they relate to God. Is Jesus their first love? Trying to impress people or serve God?

Then we have this report over from ABC NEWS
After a decade of declining pregnancies among teenagers, the rate of teenage pregnancy increased by 3 percent in 2006 as 750,000 women younger than 20 became pregnant, according to a report released by the Guttmacher Institute.

And as pregnancies increased, so did births. In 2006, there were 42 births per 1,000 U.S. teenage girls, which was 4 percent higher than 2005. However abortions in this age group increased by 1 percent from 2005 to 2006.
A breakdown by state, revealed that New Mexico had the highest teenage pregnancy rate, followed by Nevada, Arizona, Texas, and Mississippi.

Conversely, the lowest teenage pregnancy rate was in New Hampshire -- 33 pregnancies per 1,000 -- followed by Vermont, Maine, Minnesota, and North Dakota.


Texas had the highest rate of births to teenage mothers -- 62 per 1,000 -- and New York had the highest rate of abortions among teenagers at 41 per 1,000.

Hmm, Are they brothers or something? When you think about it, the quote in the first story is really disturbing because I know that some kids are going to read that and try to ram it in before she gets warmed up and then finish really quickly before she gets wet.. you know, just so that a baby won't be made. Not to mention that it will be the worst sex ever. Oh those poor girls. I feel bad for you...

First for living in Texas. Second for the even worse than usual teenage sex you will be having.

Those poor girls.

To be honest, when I read the4 title I was really hoping it would be for an abstinence only education story and now that that's kind of sort of accurate, I just kind of feel sad and empty. But let's be honest, I don't think hardcore Christians have to worry about getting a girl wet. I mean, not with some trusted astroglide on their side. Or you can go old school and stick to the classic advice of;
you've got to lick it
before you stick it

you've got to pump it
before you hump it

you've got to work it
before you jerk it
But really, it's pretty depressing how horribly downtrodden woman are in terms of sexuality. All of this astroglide stuff is just really sad. Though, when a guy's sexual arousal fails to trigger, you've got nothing at all except some little blue pills. Though dry sex still has to be pretty god damn painful.. right Wikipedia? Pretty damn depressing indeed.

Maybe there's money to be made in all of this. I'm going to write an adult's book - You know, like a children's book but for the opposite, and it will be called "Everybody fucks".

As it's pretty clear that more and more adults are just fucking retarded when it comes to issues like sex and it just carries over to the next generation of clueless non-sex havers. As it stands, the terrorist have it all wrong. No need to bomb America, all you have to do is just make some pamphlets with definitions of "oral sex", "labia", and "clitoris" and Americans will just shit themselves to death when they see them.

As a whole, religious leads to stupid ignorant irrational shit. It really shouldn't be all that surprising.

I would just suggest these kids have drunk sex. But then again, drunk sex is pretty fucking bad. It's really boring and way too empty. In your head you think you're laying down some pipes like a professional, but in reality you're just half humping her with your stumpy sweaty boner (whiskey dick!) and she can't wait until you get off her wit your scent of Marlboro lights and MGD. Because as an alcoholic, I can tell you first hand, that craft beer double IPA - It's not doing your breath any favors. Not to mention what a bitter beer will do to your system in terms of the taste of everything you produce.. if you catch my drift.

I do have to say that as an outside observer, and if you're not interested in having sex that night, getting drunk or seeing your partner attempt to be sexy while intoxicated is something altogether. I remember this one time on Valentine's day, my date got really really drunk. It was so fun to see her come out in some lingerie and then stumble, get sick and run back to the bathroom to puke. Oh how romantic.

She was later tucked in and nothing happen, because I do firmly stand by the position that if you're too drunk to not be fully aware of it, then what's the point? They're not going to enjoy it.. hell, even remember it. It's going to be awkward the next morning and you get huge brownie points for not taking advantage of the situation.

Not to mention that it's just the right thing to do in that situation.

Scary enough, did you know that astroglide is a frequent present and piece of discussion at evangelical bachelorette parties.. I'm actually being serious here.. And it's not a gag gift either, it's one that is given with the advice of "You'll need this honey!"

Many brides should also plan their suicide at that very moment. Wouldn't you when faced with this option of once you give yourself to your husband in the eyes of God, then you are expected to put out any time he wants because, why else is he manning it up out there for you, with his fancy job. You ain't paying him back for that by just staying at the house cleaning up, you can't make a full day's work out of that! You need to start sexin' asap, gurl. Especially so that you can get pregnant and start earning your keep. So get that cum all up inside you for your family's sake..
"I can't wait to find a girl and marry her so I can finally have sex"
-3/4 of the guys I knew at the catholic high school in town

But back to the original story, remember folks, if a woman is dry, you can marinate her in olive oil with herbs to soften her up and diversify her flavor before adding to pizza, pasta, etc. The next piece from the original article also surprised me...
According to a new study of sex education materials used in Texas public school classes, almost ten percent of Texas school districts mix inappropriate religious content in their sexuality education instruction.
I'm really surprised that it's actually that low. I guess progress does come to Texas eventually.

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