Monday, April 23, 2012

Christian Nymphos - The Jumbo Shrimp of Religions

Christian Nymphos - The Jumbo Shrimp of Religions

Yes, it sounds like an odd thing but it's true. There's some Christian Nymphos out there and since it's common to find anything on the internet, you can find more about them on it... especially here at.. Christian Nymphos gone wild

You see those pictures of spices? That's cause of all the hot Christian sex you'll be having in the missionary position with the lights out, under the covers through the pee hole in your pajama pants.

Oh man, sexy! Come on in, folks, and see what we're all about!

Special side note: White Christians only, please. Sorry all you dark ladiez, none of your ape sex is allowed here.

So what exactly can you find out on this website? Well, the question section is fucking hilariously bad.
My husband of 16 years and I have a blessed love life, but I grew up in a conservative household and sex was a dirty and sinful thing. If it wasn’t missionary with my DH, I felt guilty. A little guilty for being taken doggy-style, a lot guilty for my DH taking me that way in my rear and REALLY guilty for taking him that way. I’ve learned to deal with it over the past decade and a half, but I always felt dirty and sinful to some degree for really enjoying lovemaking with my DH and engaging in the activities that really excite both of us.

I think I like the fiery spices in our marriage more than he does, probably because of how taboo I grew up being told that they were. Go figure. This site has opened my eyes on how my Lord Jesus Christ gave me a body that was designed to feel pleasure from all the different ways my husband touches me, and he has a body that loves to be pleasured by his nympho wife! Taking my advice for bedroom activities from The Holy Bible has been so healing for my marriage versus listening to those voices in my head from my parents.
And then there's the age range that they're going for that is insanely out there.
Our site was created with a target audience of married women ages 18 – 99.

Click Here to Drop a Prayer Request in the Prayer Request Box!

I would like to request prayer for the reconciliation of my marriage. I am currently separated from my husband, and I was the one who left. I left because I had to for my own safety and well-being. I know that leaving was the right thing to do for the time-being, but I was wrong when I thought it meant for good. Now I realize it’s only meant to be for a time until things that are broken in me and things that are broken in him are fixed so that we can reconcile in a healthy way, even if imperfect.
Welp, I guess that demonstrates that battered wife syndrome is all circular.
This might be a strange question, but what would be a good position for me to get a better view? Ilove my husbands body and would like to watch him entering me. Sorry if this sounds a little perversed, but idk how else to say it. Any suggestions?
Even on a site dedicated to helping Christian women feel less guilty about sex, they still feel guilty about sex. Who would have thunk it? And now for other stuff:

Sexy Christian Position List

Interview with Ex Swingers who were "Redeemed"

Click Here to Find out What Spice you Are Most Like

What the hell does DH stand for? I mean, let's be real here. Religion is pretty dumb and all, but this site just seems pretty harmless, all things considered. I mean, I can be cynical and with just about everything, but what's so objectionable about trying to make people feel less guilty about shagging? If anything, I should be encouraging it. At least they're, you know, trying to help separate themselves from that stereotype and stigma that sex carries with that culture.

Cause really, is that Christian wife pegging her husband? Well then - that sounds pretty open actually. And I love the wooden mannequins used to demonstrate positions. It's just so fitting for it. But I do have to question that the bible has any chapters on sex positions. I don't actually recall any of that.

Maybe it's just that I missed the part where Jesus was pegged by his DW (Dear Wife). And the site has instructions for devilish oral sex. We should smite it with holy fire from orbit, god sir. It's the only way to be sure.
A 50s-movie-star attractive friend who graduated from my college a year before me went and got married to her evangelical military virgin husband is absolutely disappointed every day because not only is her future more or less set as "military wife" but her husband is actually factually terrified and incompetent at sex to the point where doing it standing up is an alien and forbidden sex act
Well then, bend over, Mesiah, Sounds like a savior I could get behind! What's this? The Road-House position? From the movie?! I thought I was like one of 20 people who have actually seen it. But I guess there's a big culture in the bible belt for round house kicks to the head. My goodness, this site is the hottest thing ever!
Do you think there would ever be an occasion in which God would approve of my wife using some sort of toy anally on me? It’s something I pray about an awful lot… I feel that these sorts of fantasies probably require forgiveness. Having said that, if other couples are doing it happily and in the sight of the Lord, I don’t see why it shouldn’t cut both ways. What does everyone think?

I didn’t know it until after marriage, but I married a refuser. My wife insulted me and denigrated me for wanting sexual partnership in the marriage. She told me I might die childless because we would not be intimate. She told me she might not ever like or enjoy having a male in her life as a spouse. She told me sex might be important to me but it wasn’t to her, and told me that our marriage would be “just fine” as long as I was like her. For a period of time, she forbid me from talking about need for intimacy and told me she would move out if I mentioned the need for union in our marriage. She told me that [normal, loving, affectionate, kind, tender] sexual intimacy with me would destroy her. I was very much treated as if desire for sexual behavior in our marriage was a horrible, selfish sin. I was treated as if having sexual needs was repulsive and disgusting.

How the fuck does that even happen to get to that point? I mean, it makes me think of a real life Angela from the office. "Why yes, God told me to anal fist". It's like a feminist Christian outreach program.

Anyhow, time to parody the shit out of this...

Thy Kingdom Cum..
Blessed Art Thou Amongst Women, And Blessed Is That Bomb-Ass Womb
Blessed are the Stacked, for they shall inherit my Cock

But hey, what do you expect from me? My mind is in the gutter most often, but when first reading their names and then finding out it's not what I was thinking.. that's just insane. I mean.. look at this shit..

I suppose that CUMINGIRL thing was on purpose, but I can't shake the feeling that she just honestly didn't see it. But still, I can't hate on this because sex education for married couples is an awesome idea, especially for people whose knowledge was totally crippled by their idiotic religious beliefs.

“I was curious if any of you have every experimented with chastity devices for your husbands? Several years ago my wife and I bought a CB-3000 as a means of helping her control my curiosity toward pornography. If she found I had been looking at porn, she would withhold relations for some period that she determined and controlled. It also ensured that I wouldn’t go insane (i.e. remained faithful) while away on business. From my It perspective it was very effective but we only did it for six months. Several months after it was over, I lapsed into porn, but she didn’t want to resume using chastity as a corrective because she felt it was artificial. I was curious what you thought about this idea.”
Just look at that. It's pretty fucked up there. Anything is healthier than having sex in pitch darkness wearing pajamas and hating yourself. Because really, fuck that. I hate pajamas. I seriously do. I didn't wear them growing up and I don't wear them now. Unless it's my Justice League pajamas and I'm just feeling silly, but even then. Those have a hole in the crotch. So it's just, you know, a bit ironic.

But hey, let's look at the Christian Sandwich..
This is another variation of missionary. It’s a position that is fairly simple to explain and to show in pictures. You’ll either love it or hate it. I did not know what to call it, so I chose to call it The Sandwich, because it involves your husband folding you in half, or making a sandwich out of you
They're so cute and don't understand. . This method is one man short of a proper sandwich, I hope they know that. I should reword it to something like this;
This is another variation of missionary. It’s a position that is fairly simple to explain and to show in pictures. You’ll either love it or hate it. I did not know what to call it, so I chose to call it The Sandwich, because it involves your husband, your husband's friend dressed as Jesus and you as the meat in their "sandwich", PTL!
Yup, that's far more accurate for the position. Yes sir.

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