Monday, September 17, 2012

Rich People Love To Hide

Rich People Love To Hide

With 9/11 just past reminding us that terrorist could attack and kill us because they be jelly of our freedom, any day now. It's time to look at how the very rich among us is cooping with this and, in a sense, preparing for the upcoming doom that is a terrorist attack - one that we probably provoked by being the world's police.

For those of you with too much money and not enough sense, I present to you the protection you need, when you don't want to get out of your bed;

The Quantum Sleeper Unit is a high-level security system designed for maximum protection in various hostile environments

Quantum Sleepers can also be fitted to provide protection from destructive forces of nature such as tornados, hurricanes, earthquakes and floods.

The Quantum Sleeper is the ultimate in protection, entertainment and communications, “ ALL ROLLED UP IN ONE”.

With this unit you don't have to run to a "Safe Room", you're already in it.
The Quantuum Sleeper comes with options for:
- CD player,
- DVD Screen with PC hookup,
- Microwave and Refrigerator
The Quantum Sleeper comes with options for Cellular Phones, CB and Short-wave Radios
It's a god damn fortress for the stupid among us. So let's see what this wonderful safe box has to offer;
1.25" Polycarbonate Bulletproof Plating/Shielding
Bio-Chemical Filtered Ventilation
Control Panel Mode Selection (i.e., Basic System Ops., Intruder Setting, Energy Status, Lock Down, etc.)
Cover & Door Actuators w/ Emergency Release
One way see through head cover (reflective mirror on 2 sides and front)
Safety Features (Proximity Sensor, O2 Sensor, Smoke Det., Motion Det. Ect,)
Emergency Communication system (Cellular, Short-wave Radio, CB ect.)
Audio Amplifier (Amplify sound from out side unit)

Air/Water Tight Sealing
External Override Key Pad & Remote Control
Battery Backup Power
Toiletry system

I'm a bit confused by it, to be honest. How are you supposed to shit when you're sealed up in your Quantum Sleeper? I mean, how much protection is it really? Sure, they'll need it because I will personally end the life of every wealthy person (Hi there, FBI Agent monitoring this blog), but you really can't stay in this thing forever, can you? Don't worry, folks. I'm sure you gotta come out eventually and once the next era of post-apocalyptic laws come about, I'll have nothing better to do than to collect richy rich ears and make into a necklace...

But seriously now, I was sort of expecting, you know, like a room. Not a little cover for your bed. This thing, I guess, would be sort of awesome of a fort if you were like 12. But for a full grown adult - not so much.

Maybe I'm just bitter about this because it could, in theory, be a coffin and my stance in the next world after the bombs go off, is that the rich aren't worthy of coffins. They should all be piled into mass graves as a hygiene concern as ideally they would be left to rot and be devoured by scavenging beast more wholesome than themselves.

Just think of the day when your airtight seal of a coffin bed gets to the point of exploding because the gas produced from bodily decomposition built up enough pressure inside the chamber to blow it apart.

Look, rich folks, if somebody wants you dead that badly, that box isn't going to help. Just think, couldn't they, you know, just stack some weights on top of it and smash it? Or how about just set the place on fire. You're going to turn into a giant hot box and die cooking. If you just set the house on fire after you've looted it, the occupants in there will surly die.

This isn't like your standard panic room. This is for people far too lazy to get up and walk the five feet it takes to get into a panic room.

In short - the very rich.

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