Found On The Internet - How To Suck A Dick

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By The Books Oral Sex

By The Books Oral Sex

In an effort to keep this streak of sexual related topics in this, the shortest month that has been taken over with love and affection, we move on to a news story that was from last week, but I felt the need to hold it back. I mean, I can't just blow my load and whip out all the news stories on the day they come out. I have to stretch them out some and make them last. Wouldn't want to run out of material too soon. Annnnnnnnnnd enough of the thinly laced euphemisms, here's the Oral Sex story;

After a parent complained about an elementary school student stumbling across "oral sex" in a classroom dictionary, Menifee Union School District officials decided to pull Merriam Webster's 10th edition from all school shelves earlier this week.

School officials will review the dictionary to decide if it should be permanently banned because of the "sexually graphic" entry, said district spokeswoman Betti Cadmus. The dictionaries were initially purchased a few years ago for fourth- and fifth-grade classrooms districtwide, according to a memo to the superintendent.

"It's just not age appropriate," said Cadmus, adding that this is the first time a book has been removed from classrooms throughout the district.

"It's hard to sit and read the dictionary, but we'll be looking to find other things of a graphic nature," Cadmus said. She explained that other dictionary entries defining human anatomy would probably not be cause for alarm.

Just so you're clear on what happened.. THEY TOOK AWAY THE GOD DAMN DICTIONARY BECAUSE IT HAD ORAL SEX IN IT! I think it's time I finally write that childrens book I always wanted to write. I'll make a killing selling "Words for Kool Kidz" with definitions of "wee wee" instead of penis.



I have to say that parents are terrible. How could you remove a book from an entire school district because ONE KID read the dictionary definition of oral sex? How do you know they even understood it? Lets look at what the Merriam Websters dictionary says about this word:

oral sex
Function: noun
Date: 1973
: oral stimulation of the genitals : cunnilingus, fellatio

The average fifth grader doesn't know what "oral" or "stimulation" or "genitals" means. But then again, they can just look up those words in the same book. So the problem grows exponentially from there as they learn meanings of more and more words. Dear god, what will we ever do if they learn those words? Clearly the only solution is to ban education in real Americ--ooooh yeah, wait. That's what they've shooting for some time now to achieve.. Clearly the only real solution is to ban all the words entirely.. Well, except for the words from our lord and savior, Jesus Christ!

It's a good thing that none of them have access to a bible. There's some pretty warped stuff in there that would give kids nightmares and confuse them to new levels altogether. I mean, Jesus had a hooker as a friend. What up with that. And I'm sure there's a lot about sodomy in there. On that subject, they should probably ban pencils as well. I have always said that those things looked pretty phallic. Just a note, kids. Remember to use them eraser side first. You really don't want to go to the nurses for that sort of thing..



Then again, who needs to stick pencils up their hoo-ha when you have sexually graphic text. That stuff is a major turn on, right? When i was in second grade i read the dictionary definition for orgasm and it had a black and white stencil of a woman with her mouth open and i got a boner so i can see where these parents are coming from really

How could anyone possibly think that Merriam webster is prime masturbation material. I mean, yeah, just smell those pages and you might be sporting a half stiffy, not to mention the stock they're using..... God damn, no wonder page 347 was always sticky. It was as if the book was asking for it. But seriously, how can this be even remotely possible;

Board member Randy Freeman, an elementary school teacher and parent to four daughters in Menifee schools said he supports the initial decision to ban the dictionary temporarily.

Freeman said it's "a prestigious dictionary that's used in the Riverside County spelling bee, but I also imagine there are words in there of concern."

How the fuck are educators just now waking up to the idea that kids might look up naughty words in the dictionary. How the fuck does no one know this happens and has happened for probably centuries and why does anyone actually care?



Do I have any teacher readers here? I know my gal is a potential teacher, so I suppose I could ask her in two years when she's one. My sister is one but I don't talk to her nearly enough to even begin to ask her questions about her job. I just need someone to explain why administrators like this always bend over backwards to please one dumbass parent? Would it be so hard to just blow them off? Or would that spark some kind of conflagration of crazed parents who normally don't give a shit what you tell them about little Timmy on Parent/Teacher night, but are for some reason suddenly concerned that there's a book teaching them what Oral sex means.

It's come to my attention that American Christians and the Taleban are remarkably similar, they should just stop fighting and make out already. It's like people would rather have their children not know what their penis is. Perhaps someone could invent a shroud that children would wear so that they may not glimpse their own genitals. Just imagine how wholesome they'll be if they never knew anything about sex!

I remember looking up swear words in the dictionary ALL.THE.TIME. when I was like 10. What I learned was really shocking, but not in the way that you may think. You see, I learned the true definition of the words. Such things as "Bitch", and you know what, it warped me for life. Mainly because a female dog is certainly not as insulting as what I thought those bullies were calling my mother. Maybe we should also ban calculators because you can spell BOOBS on it?



It's not like the dictionary has something really graphic or it insist that "in which the performer MUST swallow". I mean, you only really should swallow for people you care about, right? Maybe then I may have a problem with it, but to take the whole dictionary away is just fucking stupid.

Most of all, it's a good thing that the children these people have gallantly prevented them from looking up a specific term in the dictionary.. will no longer think about sex or sexual terminology and will consequently not get their information from far less reputable, accurate, and reliable sources like their equally clueless peers. It's not like they have any real form of sex ed in schools anymore. Parents have pretty much asked for all of their kids to get pulled out. Oddly enough, those same kids will believe that the pull out method is the best method in having sex.



How about they just put libido suppressants in the kids cafeteria milk so they can't get it up and be done with it already. Just cut out the middle man altogether. Give them enough medication to numb them from every possible feeling they could ever attempt to try to have. Then again, white people shouldn't breed anyway. They just pass along the white man's guilt. It's about high time we put an end to that vicious cycle. If you're not going to tell your kids about sex, you can at least given them the option to get a proper education it.

News To Women - Swallow already!

News To Women - Swallow already!

I like to think that I'm fair and balanced but it's blogs about news pieces like this that undermine my creditability in every possible way, but you know what? Let's roll with it. I'm not going to lie, I like to pick my blog topics for a reason.

Sure, I get on a soap box every now and then and provide a voice for the much talked about and even more ignored issues like Health Care, Wars on foreign soil, Political nonsense and other random stuff. But the news pieces I like to work on the most are the random most whack news articles that pop up out of nowhere and allow people who have crazy ideas run with them.



Now this may be hard to swallow as actual news, but let's just feel it out and take it slow. You might want to sit down to take all this in, but did you know that there's actually medical evidence to support the wild idea that swallowing semen is very healthy? Yes. This sort of article pops up every six to eight months, so let's take a look at let's see this months version of it:

If you're thinking about conceiving, or certainly if you are already pregnant, there is some pretty convincing evidence that instead of just swallowing, say, folic acid, you might want to swallow something else.

Let me be delicate about this, if I can.

As far as I can tell, not only should you be having lots of oral sex with the father of your baby -- even up to a year before conceiving -- you should also make sure to ingest his seminal fluid. Listen to what I'm telling you: the international medical community is giving you an Rx for oral. Sure, they say frequent intercourse is good, too, but oral is better. So, if you care about having a healthy baby and not potentially unleashing what scientists call a "destructive attack on the foreign tissues" of your fetus, if you want to avoid immunological disorders during pregnancy, and I'm sure you do, get to work. Or to pleasure, depending on how you feel about it.

Basically, the research says you need to be able to tolerate your baby's foreign, paternal DNA; in other words, you need to get your body accustomed to the stuff, need to cozy up to some daddy double helix for a while so your body doesn't reject it.

I'm no doctor, just a pregnant lady with Google, so maybe I'm horribly confused, but here is what I found excerpted online, from the Journal of Reproductive Immunology:

"While any exposure to a partner's semen during sexual activity appears to decrease a woman's chances for the various immunological disorders that can occur during pregnancy, immunological tolerance could be most quickly established through oral introduction and gastrointestinal absorption of semen."

I could not make this up. Gastrointestinal absorption of semen. I know. For the man in your life, this news should not be hard to swallow. Sorry.

According to a group of Dutch researchers, "exposure to semen provides protection against developing preeclampsia." That's from a paper with the catchy title, "Immune Maladaptation in the Etiology of Preeclampsia: a Review of Corroborative Epidemiologic Studies." Or you could use the subtitle: "Semen is Your Friend."

I just can't figure out why the whole "blue balls" thing has gotten so much traction with men, but they never got ahold of this medical morsel.

One of my favorite pregnancy hobbies is obsessively researching dangerous pregnancy-related conditions. I know, I know, I could knit, but that would be relaxing, whereas this is more congruent with my other pastimes, which include worrying about the future and raking over the past. That's how I happened to look up preeclampsia, specifically because I interviewed actress Jane Seymour and she said she got it during one of her pregnancies, so I figured I needed a new worry charm for my shiny bracelet of maternal concerns.

First, I found this description on the Mayo Clinic's website:

"Preeclampsia is a condition of pregnancy marked by high blood pressure and excess protein in your urine after 20 weeks of pregnancy."

This merited a trip to Wikipedia, where I found all sorts of links to academic papers on the subject and, buried therein, the dryly worded but unmistakable information about oral.

After I did some digesting about ingesting, I had to stand up from my desk chair and say to no one in particular, "Really?" If I've heard about a new mother eating her own placenta in a panini, if I've scoured sights like this for every possible detail about pregnancy, how have I missed this gem? Some of the studies I read weren't all that new, but you'd think they would have made a bigger and more long-lasting splash.

Maybe penises need a new publicist.

Now, to be fair, the Dutch researchers do warn that with a new partner, condoms should be used to prevent sexually transmitted diseases: "However, a certain period of sperm exposure within a stable relation, when pregnancy is aimed for, is associated with a partial protection against preeclampsia," they insist.

As far as I can tell, there seem to be myriad causes of preeclampsia and similar conditions, and it's too complicated a medical issue for anyone, least of all me, to fully understand. Still, while some of these hypotheses have been challenged, they don't seem to have been debunked. So to conclude, I will fall back on the medical opinion I always have about things that are either Suzanne Somers-y, or reek of placebo-ness, but are obviously benign: It can't hurt, right? At the very least, your baby will have a happy, relaxed father and parents who are intimate.

And suddenly, you wonder if the phrase "going Dutch" might acquire new meaning.

I don't post this animated gif much, but I think that in this instance it is well called for.




A standing O for such a great piece of written work. That whole article was a mouth full.. (Ok, I've gotten it out of my system now [BOOOYAH! high five, anyone?])

I've heard that it's pretty common for the lady to 'close down the southern kitchen' when they're with child, and while I'd assume that's because sex starts physically becoming painful at the later trimesters, what's wrong with doing your husband a favor and swallowing your pride... and his load (I'm sorry, I couldn't resist)

But now that science has come out and taken one for the men in what seems like it is really, really good for you. It does make sense, too. Although I didn't think it would have been as black-and-white as "immunological tolerance can be quickly established through gastrointestinal absorption of semen." but even this author, who isn't a doctor; simply an interested pregnant woman who cites plenty of medical evidence as references though, so I has to be pretty valid enough.


It does make me wonder though, are all pregnant women total ice queens or was this article just ghost written, edited, and published by a long succession of desperate men. Because if not, I'm going to tstart using this doctor recommended "immunological tolerance" argument, but I think it would be best to leave out the reproductive part cause I don't care too much about that.

Then again, a woman who doesn't like to swallow when she ISN'T pregnant is hardly going to do so once she is. No amount of late night-strange craving getting you can do will change that. Best you can hope for is that you convince them that it cures breast cancer too as applied directly to the area. Of course, be prepared to to get accused of being a snake oil salesman. One can only wonder how effective is it if you introduce the semen anally?



Then again, this isn't the first or the last story to be told about this act. It seems that it's a popular request. I can say that it's one of those actions that.. yeah, let's just say all is right in the world. Besides, it's not only a great time for the receiver, the giver is also going to get some benefit out of it as this next story on the subject goes... Seman makes women Happier.

Women exposed to their partner's semen during sex may find themselves feeling happier than those who use a condom, say scientist.

Scientist in the US believe the mood-altering hormones in semen absorbed through the vagina help to boost women's mood.

Semen contains a range of hormones, including testosterone and oestrogen, both of which have been shown to improve mood.

And I think I speak for men everywhere when I say to just swallow it. There's no need to roll it around your mouth like a fine wine. That doesn't let you guys go off the hook so easily. Men, Eat Fish. Lots of Fish! She'll appreciate it very much so. Eating almonds and fruits improve the taste of your semen gentlemen. Some foods, such as asparagus, can detrimentally affect its flavor. If the girls don't like swallowing your product, try eating more fruit for a few days and see how her reaction changes.



This does bring up the age old question, is God a man or a woman?

The woman argues: God must be a man, for if God were a woman, she would have made semen taste like chocolate.

The man argues: God must be a woman, for she deliberately made semen taste as it does to make womankind reluctant to perform blowjobs (to finish perhaps).

My position? I believe God is a hermaphroditic snail like creature who doesn't give a fuck either way, semen is not of its concern. Just swallow the god damn stuff already! No need to put something else in the trash can. It has a lot of protein!

On that same note - men, do we not know the golden rule of if you want it done to you, then you'll have to do it first? So put on that miner's hat and get to mining, mister! What? you don't like the smell? Don't worry, there's a new mint that can help you out! It's a Vagina Mint


Vagina mints; They keep your down south nice and minty.. even on humid days.

Linger Internal Feminine Flavoring was create to flavor the woman in such a manner that is safe and effective... You know, opposed to those unsafe and lacking methods. It also decreases self consciousness - and I have to say, if your girl is self conscious of getting oral pleasure.. what's wrong with you? Oh yeah, this also increases excitement. as there's nothing more exciting than putting a mint in someone's vagina.

It's a small, naturally sweetened flavoring, free of artificial dyes, which was created to flavor the secretions of a woman when she is sexually aroused. Linger is shaped for comfort during insertion and use and is formulated to dissolve slowly, so the effects last and last.... For some reason that pitch isn't selling me all that well.




But it's all part of paying the cost of admission, right guys? I mean... it's not like you can stare at boobs all day.... Or can you? (this is the fake news piece)

"Just 10 minutes of looking at the charms of a well-endowed females is equivalent to a 30-minute aerobics work-out," said author Dr. Karen Weatherby, a gerontologist.

The team led by Weatherby was made up of researchers at three hospitals in Frankfurt, Germany, and found this results after monitoring for 5 years the health of 200 male subjects, half of whom were asked to look at busty females daily, while the other half had to abstain from doing so.

For five years, the breasts oglers presented a lower blood pressure, slower resting pulse rates and decreased risk of coronary artery disease.......

I'm just going to stop it right there because this is the one bunk article of the group that is always popping up. I guess guys just want justification for looking at a body part. Maybe it's just that I haven't been objectified... or for that matter most any guy has been objectified, and thus we don't know how to be sexy any more.

I have to admit though, this line is really convincing.

"Sexual excitement gets the heart pumping and improves blood circulation. There's no question: Gazing at large breasts makes men healthier. Our study indicates that engaging in this activity a few minutes daily cuts the risk of stroke and heart attack in half." said Weatherby, who even recommends that men aged over 40 should spend at least 10 minutes daily admiring breasts sized "D-cup" or larger.

Oh yeah, nothing like calming the blood pressure by showing a hot D-cup size boob in your face. Yup, I think the only thing that happens to me when I see cleavage of a D-cup size boob is that the blood goes to one place and then runs a circular pattern around that... not much of a circulation booster there.

So I hope you learned a lot about this entry. But if there's one thing you can take away from all this is that while Christmas may only come but once a year, your changes of finding better health cums very often...

China Gets Anal - Doesn't Like Protection

Anal China Doesn't Like Protection - This Blows

With the way that society views of sex these days becoming more liberal, these two news pieces are pretty strange while at the same time being something I'd write about. Which is double talk since I generally write about strange things. Thus the whole Collection of Odd, ruh rauh.

China doesn't like the use of Mao in Condom ads.

BEIJING: China's official media and outspoken bloggers on Friday protested over a German advert promoting the use of condoms which shows revolutionary leader Mao Zedong as a sperm cell alongside Adolf Hitler and Osama bin Laden.

The Communist Party's People's Daily devoted a page to the storm, quoting internet commentaries which called for the makers of the advert to apologize to China.

The Global Times newspaper said advertising agency Grey Worldwide, which made the safe sex advert for Doc Morris Pharmacies, had sent a letter of apology to the Chinese consulate in Frankfurt.

The campaign showing Mao, Hitler and Bin Laden as human spermatozoids has sparked a debate in China and among international blogging. Not all Chinese appear to agree with the official line of anger.

"I am a former worker who is now 70. I have thought about it a lot and I still cannot understand why these people defend Mao so strongly," said one comment on the sina.com website.

Last year, French car maker Peugeot Citroen apologized for using an advert in Spain which showed Mao as a cross-eyed old man.

dsad

mao sperm coming out of zedong


For a country trying to control its population through the limitation of one child per household, the whole idea of condoms should be something they warmly embrace. Something they can wrap themselves around.. Something that will... Ok, I ran out of puns here. You get the idea.

So condoms may prevent the reproduction of evil dictators. Who knows? Maybe it'll just help out everything in the long run. Especially when all is said and done, this could be of use. So what if they're using the whole "Evil" stuff. I'm sure if they used Bush as a sperm example everyone would be at agreement with this situation.

So what other evil sperm did they use for this ad, you ask?



Which is odd because I would imagine that sperm to be covered by more cloths..



Now that's the sperm that doesn't need condoms. When it sees that it's not the one chosen for the egg it'll just get into a bunker and kill itself. Har har.

Moving on to more things that blow... or at least do the job for you..

Has your girlfriend ever explained her complete hatred of going down you? Well perhaps you're just using the wrong tools. Perhaps you should take into consideration the Blow Job Mouth Aid is here to rescue your situation. Careful now, that link may not be safe for work. But if you're reading this blog at work, you should be fired. So what does the Doctor behind this piece of shit equipment has to say about the matter?

Dr. Joe said:

A 47 year old female patient came to see me a few years back. I made her a beautiful set of upper and lower dentures (she had no teeth). They looked and fit great!! She left the office satisfied. The very next day she returned to the office unhappy. I asked her what was wrong and she told me that her teeth moved when she gave her boyfriend a blow-job the night before. I joked with her and told her to take out her teeth - that he would love that. She said that he didn't know that she didn't have teeth. So I took the dentures from her and made a soft custom night guard to cover the teeth. The next day she called me and was very happy.

It worked. Blowguard™ novelty toys for couples was born!

The only type of woman whom I could imagine having dentures at 47 and complaing to the dentist about how they interfere with her BJ givings is some janked meth addict living in a trailer park

I did not think I'd see a product that could actually make me avoid blowjobs. Amazingly enough, this product makes me not want head at all. The use and care video is one of the most uncomfortable things I have ever watched. That poor girl's face during the money shot isn't going to be moving any product any time soon.

It's essentially a lower jaw mouth guard with a vibrating piece at the end that sticks out the mouth. Seems like it would feel pleasurable, though its the same concept as a vibrating cock-ring condom. And really, you're not feeling anything other than a little jiggling motion that is pretty pointless.


The reason why old people are still having sex.

I don't know how it supposedly stops the movement: If you adhere it to the fake teeth they are not being anchored and they would still move. So, her problem wasn't solved.

In the video however the woman looked like she didn't have any lower teeth when she put it in, but the woman he originally made it for didn't want her boyfriend to know she had no teeth. So, if you use it without teeth he still didn't solve her other problem. I'm not really sure how he actually helped her like he says. How about more testimonial?

We are an older couple that wears dentures. We are active in the swingers lifestyle. The blowguard fits over my dentures and when Im giving other men blowjobs, my teeth don't move.

Thank you!
Howard and Elaine T. California

Oh dear. Oh god. Why are people old enough to have full sets of dentures still active in the swinging community? I don't know about you but I would never take part in the swinging community. When I think of swingers I think of a couple of people stuck in 70's haircuts sitting in a hot tub being all creepy like with a ton of chest hair. Yeah, not what I need to picture.

I know I'm over thinking this but let's get the break down here so everyone knows the score on this matter. The dentist says his patient has no teeth, so he makes her dentures. The VERY NEXT DAY he tells her to take them out when giving a BJ. But she says her boyfriend doesn't know she has no teeth.

So a.) She's been dating her boyfriend for less than 24 hours, b.) she had other dentures that were so wrecked she needed new ones (and the boyfriend never noticed the difference), or c.) bullshit.

Nitpicking, yes, but these details bother me. And with that disturbing discovery, I'm calling it a night.

Merry Muffins and Muff Diving Day

Merry Muffins and Muff Diving Day

A month ago was Steak and Blow job day. The history of this day was that it was created to counter the amount of effort men are pushed into by society and their significant others because of Valentine's Day. It's a nice idea in theory. Who doesn't like oral sex and steak? I know I'm a big fan of both. Though I generally like only one of those half done. Who doesn't like both steak and blowjobs? Nazi's! That's who. Oh yeah, and those crazy religious types. I guess feminist also don't dig on them too much as I'm sure it's seen as some sort of degrading act that goes against being equal.

I guess the major problem with this whole thing is that I made a clear stand when it comes to Valentine's day. I don't do it because it's something that seems pretty forced by the society or specific dates.



In an odd attempt to even the odds females took the ball(s) and ran with them. In response to Steak and Blowjob day there's Cake and Cunnilingus day on the 14th of April.

Why? Well, as some enterprising men have declared March 14 to be "Steak and Blowjob Day", we women thought we'd get in on the act as well, a month later.

Cake and Cunnilingus Day is about celebrating female pleasure. It's about putting our orgasms on the agenda and demanding pleasure equality! It's about lying back and gorging on chocolate mud cake while our lover sticks his eager tongue into our pussy!

Valentine's Day is for lovers, no matter what their gender. It's about emotion, about committment [sic], about relationships.

Cake and Cunnilingus Day is a little more carnally obsessed. Forget the roses! This day puts the focus on women, their sexuality... and their tastebuds!

Of course, it doesn't have to be all about cake. If you're so inclined you're welcome to celebrate Muffins and Muff Diving Day. Or Pudding and Pussy Licking Day. Or even Candy and Clit Licking Day. The important thing is that our coochies get the oral treatment they deserve!

We'll take steak and cunnilingus, followed by some cake, thank you very much.

Talk about a press release. I just have to wonder what's the point? If you're with someone who doesn't like giving you head on any other day and you sort of have to force them to celebrate a specific day of it... I think you're with the wrong person. While the act of the day is something I can get behind, the intent ruins it for me.



Much the same if you need to come up with a witty day to get your boyfriend to put on the scuba gear and go down on you, you're with the wrong person. These actions should be voluntary. How about this, make every day steak and blowjob day and clit lick and cake day. Well, maybe you shouldn't have the food along with it. Could raise your blood pressure to unhealthy levels. But you get the idea.