Tuesday, December 22, 2009

News To Women - Swallow already!

News To Women - Swallow already!

I like to think that I'm fair and balanced but it's blogs about news pieces like this that undermine my creditability in every possible way, but you know what? Let's roll with it. I'm not going to lie, I like to pick my blog topics for a reason.

Sure, I get on a soap box every now and then and provide a voice for the much talked about and even more ignored issues like Health Care, Wars on foreign soil, Political nonsense and other random stuff. But the news pieces I like to work on the most are the random most whack news articles that pop up out of nowhere and allow people who have crazy ideas run with them.

Now this may be hard to swallow as actual news, but let's just feel it out and take it slow. You might want to sit down to take all this in, but did you know that there's actually medical evidence to support the wild idea that swallowing semen is very healthy? Yes. This sort of article pops up every six to eight months, so let's take a look at let's see this months version of it:
If you're thinking about conceiving, or certainly if you are already pregnant, there is some pretty convincing evidence that instead of just swallowing, say, folic acid, you might want to swallow something else.

Let me be delicate about this, if I can.

As far as I can tell, not only should you be having lots of oral sex with the father of your baby -- even up to a year before conceiving -- you should also make sure to ingest his seminal fluid. Listen to what I'm telling you: the international medical community is giving you an Rx for oral. Sure, they say frequent intercourse is good, too, but oral is better. So, if you care about having a healthy baby and not potentially unleashing what scientists call a "destructive attack on the foreign tissues" of your fetus, if you want to avoid immunological disorders during pregnancy, and I'm sure you do, get to work. Or to pleasure, depending on how you feel about it.

Basically, the research says you need to be able to tolerate your baby's foreign, paternal DNA; in other words, you need to get your body accustomed to the stuff, need to cozy up to some daddy double helix for a while so your body doesn't reject it.

I'm no doctor, just a pregnant lady with Google, so maybe I'm horribly confused, but here is what I found excerpted online, from the Journal of Reproductive Immunology:

"While any exposure to a partner's semen during sexual activity appears to decrease a woman's chances for the various immunological disorders that can occur during pregnancy, immunological tolerance could be most quickly established through oral introduction and gastrointestinal absorption of semen."

I could not make this up. Gastrointestinal absorption of semen. I know. For the man in your life, this news should not be hard to swallow. Sorry.

According to a group of Dutch researchers, "exposure to semen provides protection against developing preeclampsia." That's from a paper with the catchy title, "Immune Maladaptation in the Etiology of Preeclampsia: a Review of Corroborative Epidemiologic Studies." Or you could use the subtitle: "Semen is Your Friend."

I just can't figure out why the whole "blue balls" thing has gotten so much traction with men, but they never got ahold of this medical morsel.

One of my favorite pregnancy hobbies is obsessively researching dangerous pregnancy-related conditions. I know, I know, I could knit, but that would be relaxing, whereas this is more congruent with my other pastimes, which include worrying about the future and raking over the past. That's how I happened to look up preeclampsia, specifically because I interviewed actress Jane Seymour and she said she got it during one of her pregnancies, so I figured I needed a new worry charm for my shiny bracelet of maternal concerns.

First, I found this description on the Mayo Clinic's website:

"Preeclampsia is a condition of pregnancy marked by high blood pressure and excess protein in your urine after 20 weeks of pregnancy."

This merited a trip to Wikipedia, where I found all sorts of links to academic papers on the subject and, buried therein, the dryly worded but unmistakable information about oral.

After I did some digesting about ingesting, I had to stand up from my desk chair and say to no one in particular, "Really?" If I've heard about a new mother eating her own placenta in a panini, if I've scoured sights like this for every possible detail about pregnancy, how have I missed this gem? Some of the studies I read weren't all that new, but you'd think they would have made a bigger and more long-lasting splash.

Maybe penises need a new publicist.

Now, to be fair, the Dutch researchers do warn that with a new partner, condoms should be used to prevent sexually transmitted diseases: "However, a certain period of sperm exposure within a stable relation, when pregnancy is aimed for, is associated with a partial protection against preeclampsia," they insist.

As far as I can tell, there seem to be myriad causes of preeclampsia and similar conditions, and it's too complicated a medical issue for anyone, least of all me, to fully understand. Still, while some of these hypotheses have been challenged, they don't seem to have been debunked. So to conclude, I will fall back on the medical opinion I always have about things that are either Suzanne Somers-y, or reek of placebo-ness, but are obviously benign: It can't hurt, right? At the very least, your baby will have a happy, relaxed father and parents who are intimate.

And suddenly, you wonder if the phrase "going Dutch" might acquire new meaning.
I don't post this animated gif much, but I think that in this instance it is well called for.

A standing O for such a great piece of written work. That whole article was a mouth full.. (Ok, I've gotten it out of my system now [BOOOYAH! high five, anyone?])

I've heard that it's pretty common for the lady to 'close down the southern kitchen' when they're with child, and while I'd assume that's because sex starts physically becoming painful at the later trimesters, what's wrong with doing your husband a favor and swallowing your pride... and his load (I'm sorry, I couldn't resist)

But now that science has come out and taken one for the men in what seems like it is really, really good for you. It does make sense, too. Although I didn't think it would have been as black-and-white as "immunological tolerance can be quickly established through gastrointestinal absorption of semen." but even this author, who isn't a doctor; simply an interested pregnant woman who cites plenty of medical evidence as references though, so I has to be pretty valid enough.

It does make me wonder though, are all pregnant women total ice queens or was this article just ghost written, edited, and published by a long succession of desperate men. Because if not, I'm going to tstart using this doctor recommended "immunological tolerance" argument, but I think it would be best to leave out the reproductive part cause I don't care too much about that.

Then again, a woman who doesn't like to swallow when she ISN'T pregnant is hardly going to do so once she is. No amount of late night-strange craving getting you can do will change that. Best you can hope for is that you convince them that it cures breast cancer too as applied directly to the area. Of course, be prepared to to get accused of being a snake oil salesman. One can only wonder how effective is it if you introduce the semen anally?

Then again, this isn't the first or the last story to be told about this act. It seems that it's a popular request. I can say that it's one of those actions that.. yeah, let's just say all is right in the world. Besides, it's not only a great time for the receiver, the giver is also going to get some benefit out of it as this next story on the subject goes... Seman makes women Happier.
Women exposed to their partner's semen during sex may find themselves feeling happier than those who use a condom, say scientist.

Scientist in the US believe the mood-altering hormones in semen absorbed through the vagina help to boost women's mood.

Semen contains a range of hormones, including testosterone and oestrogen, both of which have been shown to improve mood.

And I think I speak for men everywhere when I say to just swallow it. There's no need to roll it around your mouth like a fine wine. That doesn't let you guys go off the hook so easily. Men, Eat Fish. Lots of Fish! She'll appreciate it very much so. Eating almonds and fruits improve the taste of your semen gentlemen. Some foods, such as asparagus, can detrimentally affect its flavor. If the girls don't like swallowing your product, try eating more fruit for a few days and see how her reaction changes.

This does bring up the age old question, is God a man or a woman?

The woman argues: God must be a man, for if God were a woman, she would have made semen taste like chocolate.

The man argues: God must be a woman, for she deliberately made semen taste as it does to make womankind reluctant to perform blowjobs (to finish perhaps).

My position? I believe God is a hermaphroditic snail like creature who doesn't give a fuck either way, semen is not of its concern. Just swallow the god damn stuff already! No need to put something else in the trash can. It has a lot of protein!

On that same note - men, do we not know the golden rule of if you want it done to you, then you'll have to do it first? So put on that miner's hat and get to mining, mister! What? you don't like the smell? Don't worry, there's a new mint that can help you out! It's a Vagina Mint

Vagina mints; They keep your down south nice and minty.. even on humid days.

Linger Internal Feminine Flavoring was create to flavor the woman in such a manner that is safe and effective... You know, opposed to those unsafe and lacking methods. It also decreases self consciousness - and I have to say, if your girl is self conscious of getting oral pleasure.. what's wrong with you? Oh yeah, this also increases excitement. as there's nothing more exciting than putting a mint in someone's vagina.

It's a small, naturally sweetened flavoring, free of artificial dyes, which was created to flavor the secretions of a woman when she is sexually aroused. Linger is shaped for comfort during insertion and use and is formulated to dissolve slowly, so the effects last and last.... For some reason that pitch isn't selling me all that well.

But it's all part of paying the cost of admission, right guys? I mean... it's not like you can stare at boobs all day.... Or can you? (this is the fake news piece)
"Just 10 minutes of looking at the charms of a well-endowed females is equivalent to a 30-minute aerobics work-out," said author Dr. Karen Weatherby, a gerontologist.

The team led by Weatherby was made up of researchers at three hospitals in Frankfurt, Germany, and found this results after monitoring for 5 years the health of 200 male subjects, half of whom were asked to look at busty females daily, while the other half had to abstain from doing so.

For five years, the breasts oglers presented a lower blood pressure, slower resting pulse rates and decreased risk of coronary artery disease.......

I'm just going to stop it right there because this is the one bunk article of the group that is always popping up. I guess guys just want justification for looking at a body part. Maybe it's just that I haven't been objectified... or for that matter most any guy has been objectified, and thus we don't know how to be sexy any more.

I have to admit though, this line is really convincing.
"Sexual excitement gets the heart pumping and improves blood circulation. There's no question: Gazing at large breasts makes men healthier. Our study indicates that engaging in this activity a few minutes daily cuts the risk of stroke and heart attack in half." said Weatherby, who even recommends that men aged over 40 should spend at least 10 minutes daily admiring breasts sized "D-cup" or larger.
Oh yeah, nothing like calming the blood pressure by showing a hot D-cup size boob in your face. Yup, I think the only thing that happens to me when I see cleavage of a D-cup size boob is that the blood goes to one place and then runs a circular pattern around that... not much of a circulation booster there.

So I hope you learned a lot about this entry. But if there's one thing you can take away from all this is that while Christmas may only come but once a year, your changes of finding better health cums very often...

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