Friday, October 10, 2008

Going Green has never felt.. so... trendy.

Going Green has never felt.. so... trendy.

Would you look at that, I couldn't even recycle the subject title into the body of the text. Clearly I'm not going green enough even with an awesome subject header made famous by a certain Muppet Frog. Even months after Earth day, it makes you wonder how many people actually give a fuck. In reality, not many. Much like the rest of North America I have gone green all in the honor of Earth Day and have remained green.

First off, you're reading this on a computer screen. No longer are the days that you have to get your fingers messy with ink from a news stand. Think of the amount of paper I saved by typing these terrible blogs. I could have simply printed and photocopied this blog like I used to and passed them around the neighborhood. But thanks to that legal system and that court mandate telling me I can no longer do such actions, I've gone totally green and you're reading this on the series of tubes that is the internet.

Adding to the green nation I'm now apart, I'm typing this on a very much out of date computer. It's the oldest equipment I could possibly find. Put it this way, the screen has burned my retinas with the blinding green text on black monitor image. It's really a terrible piece of device and I'm surprised it still runs. But then again, it's all in the name of saving our precious planet Earth. You only get one, so I hear.

Look at all that pollution of space debri aroud Earth. Give a Hoot!

I would also like to announce that in order to go completely green, I will now only drink wine out of glass bottles. No more trees will have to suffer at my hands because I got my alcoholic kool-aid out of wine boxes. Only 100% organic corks will be pulled by my cork screw. I'm also going to continue to recycle my bottles, not because of some need to save this chunk of rock, but because I paid the deposit when I bought the drink. Curse you CRV.

But is that going far enough? Sure I've covered plenty of bases. I'm sure if I was some grocery store I would be calling for the ban of plastic bags. Even though plastic bags are easier on the environment and more efficient to transport than paper bags. Hey Santa Monica and San Francisco, forget the fact that they are easier to recycle and they pollute less when manufactured, let's just ban them altogether. Why not.

Everyone is making this claim that they are going green. I ask what does that even mean? NBC did it, but what did they actually do? Want to go green you peacock, then perhaps you should turn off your broadcast signal during the late night hours when no one is watching. Perhaps not cut down a huge tree for Christmas to put up in New York. Just a thought. Does anyone actually believe that Clorox is going green? I mean, their product is so... anti-green. And just because one product a company produces is eco-friendly and gone green, doesn't mean that they are in the clear. They're still polluting the land with 95% of their other products. It's like how Organic food was marketed as. As being healthier in every possible way. Never mind the fact that it's often 50% more expensive than the alternative. Even if America stopped all carbon emissions, the Earth's temperature will still rise for the next 50 years. It's rather funny, but we actually need to go back to nuclear power to prevent carbon emissions.

There's some part of me that loves it when oil companies "go green." like BP and the others did around Earth Day. It's levels of irony that you can't get anywhere else. Frankly, as an oil company you should never go green. It's against company interest to do such things. That's like the Catholic Church going pro-choice. Stick to your convictions and let the nay sayers be damned. You're an oil company. You're everything that going green is against and really, you should be proud. Because no matter what happens, people need gas and they will come to you and pay top dollar to make sure they get from point A to point B.

And no matter what the rest of the world is doing, no one in America is going to be driving a Smart Car anytime soon. They're a hit overseas in Europe. But they will never make it in big truck country. Not to mention that public transportation in the United States is terrible compared to Europe. I'd say if you don't have a car in Los Angeles, for example, you might as well shut the garage door and let the exhaust fumes do you in. But since you do not have a car, you'll just have to go get a rope to hang yourself.

Those "Don't buy gas on (insert random meaningless day here)!" movements always make me laugh. You might get them all the time in your in box. They never work and they never will work. So you don't buy gas from one company on one day. Boo hoo, they'll get your money the next day. Or they'll lower their price by a couple of cents over the next guy and still make a killing off you filling up your tank. It's just a law of the land. You want to get anywhere in your car, you're going to have to pay up to big oil companies and whatever they say in terms of the price is what you'll pay at the pump.

It's not only that we lack a decent public transportation system, Americans are obsessed with big trucks. Big manly 'muy macho' trucks. Who cares if you never put anything in the flat bed, you're a pussy if you don't have a hemi under the hood. Now don't get me wrong. I'm eventually going to get myself a 1970 Challenger, but I am fully aware that such car will destroy any sort of eco-friendly mentality and will be a burden at the pump. But by heavens, I'm living in the nation that we can be free to follow our dreams. My dream is to drive around in a two-ton steel Ford beast. Only I'll be smart enough to have my wallet/gas friendly car for the work days and keep the weekend ride as that monster of a car. Unlike many who use their SUV and big trucks in their daily life.

Besides that, if you ever catch me on the 405 on a bicycle, just opn the door to your car as I pass by so I may flip off my bike and be killed in a manner only fit for yuppies.

There's also the push for ethanol fuel. Which, if I can take a moment and say FUCK YOU to all those farmers who decided to just take the subsidies and go with only corn. Because of you and your ability to put all our eggs into one basket, the cost of wheat and grains has went up a great deal. So yeah, we may be creating an alternate fuel source, but at the same time we are not creating a sustainable pattern because we are now so dependent on corn that rice and bread is suffering with higher cost at the grocery store.

Not only does corn take up more land and more material to grow, but when it's 5% less effective compared to making ethanol out of sugar cane or weeds, it's not worth the price we are paying in other areas like milk, orange juice, bread and cereal. Though you wont see any farmers go that route because there's no subsidies in growing weeds. So while we all give ethanol sources a hand job in this big Save the earth circle jerk, you're not realizing that it's screwing you over in the other aspects of your life at the market.

The next piece just proves how full of shit (a truly recycled item) this whole think green movement is. It looks like the biggest waste of energy, According to this piece is computer video games. WORLD OF WARCRAFT AND OTHER MMORPG CAUSES GLOBAL WARMING

"7. After that, end your virtual lives. Journalist Nicholas Carr figured that maintaining an avatar on Second Life uses 1,752 kilowatt hours of energy per year, the same consumption as your average Brazilian. World of Warcraft and other online games have similar energy consumption, thanks to giant server farms that gobble electricity and require massive cooling facilities. That undead cleric is doing more than just sucking your virtual hit points."

Who would have thought that? A video game that is based on you doing nothing but walking around a fake world can actually lead to the destruction of the real one. Way to go you nerds. I can also mention that the gas you are passing while eating your cheetos and hot pockets is destroying our ozone layer.

So what the hell does going green mean anyway? In truth that whole list is just plain stupid on how to reduce your carbon footprint. In the end, it really doesn't matter. You will die and so will the rest of the world one day. Chances are good that the footprint you are leaving will not matter in the end. It's not something you should be down on yourself about. So put your Jimmy Carter sweater away. "Children are the future" is a common saying we've all heard a million times before. Basically, what it means is that the future is small and easy to beat up. So stop worrying about what you are going to leave your children and your children's children. Because if they're having children, you're clearly not teaching them about safe sex.

Most research on the subject is funded by someone with an agenda. Twenty years ago we were faced with the threat that we only had another decade to live if we kept on going about our ways. We did and we're still here. What does that tell you? Hell, Ronald Reagen went up to the roof of the White House when he moved in and pulled those Carter administration solar panels off himself. Western movie stars are tough cookies and obsessed with tearing down things. Perhaps that tells you something about all these Save the Earth threats. That they come and go every couple of decades.

I'm not saying to just toss your trash in the streets, You wouldn't want to make an Indian cry, now would you? Stop with the labeling. If you want to pollute less, by all means do so. To toot my own horn I recycle my bottles and cans, for a drunk that CRV means another drunk. I donated my old monitor to good will (Hello tax write off!) and I put my plastic bags into the "return bags here" at trader joe's and I wouldn't call myself anywhere near going green. It's best not to go green because it's hip and trendy. Just take the steps to do your own part without having to shout it out to the world in a loud speaker on how green you are. Mainly because that's creating another sort of pollution we could do without.

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