Thursday, October 9, 2008

New To Voting: An FAQ

The New Voter FAQ

Elections come and go, but one thing all of these elections might have in common is voting. Unless you own a scoped rifle accurate beyond 200 meters this is your one chance to tell your government exactly how you feel. Give them a piece of your mind and tell them by filling in a bubble on a Scantron sheet. Exercise your right as a citizen or someone pretending to be a citizen and vote! Since it is clear from the video above that many of you start drooling on yourself whenever thinking about the action of voting, perhaps it's time to give you a new FAQ to you first time voters and you long time town idiots on how to vote!


1. What is Voting?

Voting is nothing more complicated than making a choice official. When you get ready to go to work or school in the morning you usually decide which pair of pants you want to wear.

Do you want to wear the red pants with the snakes? The orange pants with a world map on the legs? Or do you want to wear the pants with the zig-zag lightning bolts down the sides and a picture of lamb's face on the crotch? Go on, take a moment to decide. If you can't get them on try putting them on like anyone else, one leg at a time. It works better than running at them at a high speed.

Give up? Just go get your care taker to pick and put them on you.

You wore the orange pants. Now, imagine making the orange pants a United States senator. There you go! It's just like voting!

2. What Should I Vote For?

That's a good question, but there's no easy answer. Who or what you vote for is up to you and depends on the issues on the ballot. Some popular things people in America vote for are:

  • Less taxes
  • More taxes
  • Less guns
  • More guns
  • Bushes
  • Not gays
  • Less Mexicans
  • Less Iraqis
  • Less money for trains
  • More money for trains

You can't just go into the voting booth and vote on whoever you want. The government will give you a choice. Here is a sample ballot:

As you can see, someone has rudely filled out this sample ballot without asking. They have voted for Cameraman Swiss Pisser as president and, operating under the assumption that they are The President, they have voted to become a robot. Your ballot might look different, so beware!

3. How Do I Vote?

Voting is a little harder than it sounds, but a lot easier than the legend foretold. Yes, true, okay, I admit, you must be a United States citizen to vote.

This rule was established to prevent the French from ever again deciding our presidency. We learned our lesson in 1857 when Napoleon decreed the election of James Buchanan and Parisians flocked to the voting booths to select him as our President.

Only a giant gay man named Abraham Lincoln, elected by Americans, was able to throw off the yoke of French tyranny by dissolving the Union and fighting a war against the American States and the French States in the South. To this day people in Louisiana speak a language called Creole which is based on their support of James Buchanan.

Don't worry if you are not a United States citizen. You can still vote, all you have to do is believe in the American dream enough to lie about your citizenship. Then you just register to vote. You can register as long as you have a driver's license or the social security number of a recently deceased person. Or a utility bill. Or a guy willing to vouch for you. Or a note written on government stationary. About anything. Including you being ineligible to vote.

There is no more shameful moment in our history.

4. Wait a second, I'm a felon! Can I still vote?

Only if you are white or Cuban.

5. When should I vote?

Once every four years. There are other elections and issues to be voted on at other times, but only by professional voters and you'll more than likely not care about the issues then or be too drunk or stupid to remember to vote. So don't worry about it, homie. As a reserve voter you and the millions like you will only be called upon to vote during difficult times or every four years. You have not received the intensive training of the professional voters and specialist voters, so you do not understand complex issues like "school bonds" and "mayors."

6. I feel this great urge to vote, but there is no election! What do I do?

Don't panic, this can sometimes happen. This is called "caring" and it should be avoided. This happens when you learn too many things or watch too many Youtube videos. You'll start to believe in change. And really, you should only be believing that change can get you something on the dollar menu at McDonalds. Either you are informed and upset or you are wildly misinformed and even more upset. Both of these problems have the same solution:

Post on the Internet about it.

Blogs, message boards, Twitter it if you can confine your rage within 160 characters. You can also add them into the comments sections of news websites to exercise your votin' jones. Here is a sample of what this might look like:

If you know what any of those things mean you probably want to vote when you shouldn't! That's okay. Like this post you don't have to make any sense, just use a lot of puns like "lamescream media" or "rethuglican" or "demoncrat" and you should fit right in.

7. Should I really vote?

Absolutely. You should vote at least once to have a complete and adult understanding of what it means to be powerless in a nation ruled by people a lot stupider than you and that's saying a lot!

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