Wednesday, March 17, 2010

Fuck The Irish!

Fuck The Irish!

Ha. yeah. no. I actually really like the Irish. I've spent plenty of time at bars to know that the best drunks come in the Irish variety. Unlike your typical white frat boy, when he's drunk he's trying to prove something and will gladly start shit over the dumbest things. A typical drunk Irish.. well, they at least have a high tolerance, so they can go toe to toe with my borderline alcoholic habits. But when you've suffered through potato famine after famine, you get a wee bit humbled by said experiences.

Not to mention the ladies. It shouldn't come to a surprise to any of my readers, I really like red hair. I mean, that's my major weakness. That and a bullet or a sword. I mean, really, it could be a sharp stick that you poke me with and I'll suffer. So saying red hair is my weakness is a bit overselling it. But I gravitate towards red hair. It's just my kick, okay? No need to judge now.

So don't let the title fool you, I really am very happy around the Irish. Their accents really are neat-o. But there's one thing that doesn't rub me the right way, it's all the fake Irish that run around on this very day. Oh, what day is it? Why it's St. Paddy's day!
Saint Patrick's Day is a yearly holiday celebrated on 17 March. It is named after Saint Patrick (circa AD 387–461), the most commonly recognized of the patron saints of Ireland. It began as a purely Catholic holiday and became an official feast day in the early 1600s. However, it has gradually become more of a secular celebration of Ireland's culture.

It is a public holiday on the island of Ireland (both Northern Ireland and the Republic of Ireland) and widely celebrated by the Irish diaspora in places such as Great Britain, Canada, the United States, Argentina, Australia, New Zealand, and Montserrat.
A few things you should remember
1. You're not Irish
2. It's "st. Paddy's Day," not "St. Patty's Day"
3. Don't throw up in my favorite bars. I want to go there the rest of the week

Everything is green today and that also means food. Now normally if you see a green bagel at the store you have to question how fresh it actually is. Not today. Well, I guess it should still be questionable. I wonder how many 7-11's pass off really old moldy food off as novelty colored food on St. Patty's day just to unload it.

Just don't be surprised when your shit is green also. Green beer usually leads to that and well, maybe I don't want to freak the fuck out in the morning after nursing a hangover on trying to remember why my shit is green, Okay?!? Now where's my blood pudding and bangers and beans?

Besides, some of us don't need an arbitrary excuse to get drunk all day. I mean, is there really a drinking age in Ireland? Or is it one of those "tall enough to reach the bar" countries. Cause those places are awesome.

Did you know that 204,912,200 barrels of beer were consumed in the united states in 2002. I wonder how many of those were tapped on St. Paddy's day alone. Today has to be the worse possible day to go get yourself a pint of beer. It's filled with people who would normally NOT be at a bar for a drink. I guess I should be thankful for St. Paddy's day. Never has there been a better opportunity to get wasted in the parks all day.

But these new folks at the bar don't know how to tip a bartender, don't know how to get the fuck out of the way of the bar after they get their drinks. Don't know how to handle their booze and are sloshed well before any respectable hour. They give the Irish a bad name because on this day, everyone with 1/64th Irish in them want to be all "I'm so Irish I shit shamrocks!" and what not.

Let's face it, America hasn't always been so kind to the Irish. No need to perpetuate a stereotype in such a fashion. Yes yes, we all know that Irish and drunks are both angry mother fuckers. How many other holidays do you get pinched or punched for not dressing up? Think about that when you see some Trick-or-treaters asking for candy when they don't even have a costume on.

It's bad enough that in the 80's and 90's the IRA bombing campaigns really did put a bit of fear when it comes to thinking about the Irish. Look at our track record for honoring them or even trusting them with high positions. Unlike the Jews, who seem to run everything, the Irish aren't always in charge. Yeah, we did have one Irish-Catholic President, but even then.. he wasn't really liked. I mean, he did get shot after all.

8. He is a secret socialist catholic
9. He has been caught swaying back and to the left

But hey, let's just toss all those stereotypes aside and pour yourself a Guinness and get yourself some Corned Beef and Cabbage as you go out to have some beer with the 1,000,000 other clones just like yourself. Don't forget that red sox cap! I do wonder though, what do the people who DON'T like Guinness drink? And what did Irish people really eat considering Corned Beef would have been really expensive as meat and salt (for curing the meat) were not very attainable by the peasants.

While it may sound great on paper, No one enjoys 4 straight hours of Dropkick Murphy's and Flogging Molly songs being played on a bar's Jukebox. Stop it. Just stop it. And stop singing along with the wrong, slurred words. While we're at it don't try the whole "Kiss me, I'm Irish" line. It comes across more as "Don't kiss me, I'm not Irish but merely an inferior American of only partially Irish descent who is therefore unworthy of celebrating this holiday by wearing a certain color of clothing and getting drunk."

Though you have to admire that clinging of a tradition.. at least for one day as an excuse to drink. Much like this man from The Onion's piece about a Man Who's 1/16th Irish Proud Of His Irish Heritage. But then again, I've seen people who were 1/64 American Indian cling to that, so I guess it's not really something I can complain about, right.

Oh yeah, remember that in December my car was destroyed by a drunk driver. You can imagine that I'm going to make sure my car is not parked on the street today. You know what, if you're going to go out drinking, just don't drive home. Okay? At least real Irish people realize they're far too drunk to drive. Us American amateurs just fool ourselves into thinking that we are okay. No. just no. I'm full in accepting that if you're not puking in a gutter by 9:30, you're doing this holiday wrong. And if you're not back up and drinking 5 minutes later, you're clearly not Irish.

It's still early in the day.... though you probably should already be drunk. Let's fix that, here's a list of all the pubs that you can get green beer from. Let's be honest - You can get green beer from just about any pub today because they're all looking to attract your not-so-average bar goer. Which is another reason why I don't really care for St. Patty's day. The fake drunks.

It's also really a bad day to be on the road. Not because of the drunks but because of the police force out there. Police all across the area will be on full alert for the overly inebriated. So you should be careful on how many of those green beers you're consuming as there will be a lot of police check points. The Santa Monica Police Dept. will be having their own St Paddy's day celebration on the 300 block of Pico Boulevard. At what time? Oddly enough they wouldn't say. They normally do. But I can imagine that since festivities and bars have been open since the morning, that they may have already pitched a tent and will be there till around 2:30 in the morning

Oh yeah, how could I NOT use this blog as an excuse to post a picture of a red head?

So I would advise that you stay safe out there. Don't drink too much and enjoy your left over corned beef tomorrow as hash. Here's an excellent recipe for it.
3 tablespoons unsalted butter
1 cup finely chopped red bell pepper
2 cloves garlic, minced
5 cups leftover Corned Beef and Cabbage, well drained, recipe follows
1/2 teaspoon chopped fresh thyme
1/2 teaspoon chopped fresh oregano
1/4 teaspoon freshly ground black pepper

Melt the butter in a 12-inch cast iron skillet set over medium heat. Add the bell pepper and cook until it begins to brown slightly, approximately 5 to 6 minutes. Add the garlic, corned beef and cabbage, thyme, oregano and black pepper to the skillet and stir to combine. Once combined, spread the hash evenly over the pan and firmly press down with a spatula. Place a heavy lid, heatproof plate or second pan directly atop the hash and allow to cook until browned, approximately 10 minutes. After 10 minutes stir mixture, press down again, top with the lid and allow to cook another 5 to 6 minutes, or until browned. Serve immediately.

And with that, I leave you with a classic scene from the Wire. Happy St. Paddy's day!

Now with a traditional way to celebrate St. Paddy's Day

No comments: