Friday, July 16, 2010

Can't Stand The Heat - Get Out of South Beach

Can't Stand The Heat - Get Out of South Beach

By now you've become a Miami fan with LeBron's announcement of gathering Professor Xavier and the X-men in creating something... astonishing.

Move over The Avengers - King LeBron James, Chris Bosh and Dwayne Wade have joined forces to shift the balance of power in the NBA and create a new some sort of super duper X-treme NBA team in Miami that will win enough rings that they'll have to start putting them on their cocks. Oh don't worry, even though I'm from L.A., don't be fooled. I spent a good year in Florida so I can justifiably hold duo fan citizenship on Lakers and Heat.

To help ease fans trying to acclimate to this unprecedented shift of power I figured it might be helpful to educate old and new Heat fans on the history of their adopted franchise to ensure they have maximum credibility when quizzed by die-hards who have lived and died with this turbulent franchise over the past 40 years.

Before you become a Miami Heat fan, you need to know of the unique traditions fans have, especially at home games. The next time you are preparing to go to a game at The Big House, as it is called, be sure to dress up as an empty seat to lull the opposing team into a false sense of superiority.

The ABA Years
The Miami Heat Started off life as an expansion team in the upstart American Basketball Association. In 1969 east coast dance club mogul Lucious Wilson was awarded an ABA franchise for the city of Charlotte and began play in the 1970 season under the name the Carolina Cuckolds.

The team experienced uneven success during Wilson's tenure as owner who was known for his erratic behavior, encouraging trainers to work for tips and paying players in singles. After the ABA merger in 1985 Harris retired to South Florida and took his team with him, re-branding them the Heat and beginning a new era of basketball in Miami.

Early Miami

The name the Miami Heat was actually coined by Vernon Maxwell after three weeks without medication.

The early Heat teams were anchored in the middle by the talented but controversial Rony Seikaly, best known outside of NBA circles as the nephew of Youssef Majed al-Molqi, who brutally shot and killed handicapped American industrialist Leon Kinghoffer during the hijacking of the cruise ship the Achille Lauro.

Controversy swirled after Seikaly described al-Molqi as an inspiration in a pre-draft interview with the Kings.

In the end the Heat felt they could not pass on the large, sweaty center and made him the ninth overall pick in the draft and a fixture in both the Heat lineup and club scene for a decade.

Soon after the Heat reached out for a shooter in the draft and hauled in Minnesota shooting guard Willie Burton, who as you may have guessed is the name sake of the tragic Burton's disease. An affliction which has impacted contemporary players like Tracy McGrady and Channing Frye. It's an overwhelming anxiety that pushes a player near blacking out the closer they get to the rim.

Glen Rice suffered from a similar affliction later in his career, but it was not just his closeness to the hoop but his distance from concession.

Tim Hardaway hates queers, but there are more important things we should be worrying about like the war in Iraq and deep water drilling.

A player for the Heat is known as "Heat." LeBron James can now say, for example, "I'm a Heat." The Miami Heat's new motto, YES WE DID, is a reference to the presidential motto of Thomas Jefferson, who used the phrase to describe his administration's purchase of the Louisiana territory.

A little known fact is that Le Batard is French for "The Bastard" and Dan Le Batard is going to bastard all over the faces of anyone who isn't down with the heat.

Fact: Every seat in American Airlines Arena is wheelchair and walker accessible in order to accommodate their fan base. For the younger set, every concourse has a display offering free pamphlets covering the dangers of STD and overexposure in tanning beds.

The Miami Heat enjoyed a remarkable inaugural season as a franchise in 2005-2006 winning the NBA championship. This gives them an amazing 100% winning percentage as far as championships go in their existence as an NBA franchise.

This is the new Miami Heat theme song

When I lived in Florida I was lucky enough to make it to Heat Stadium a couple of times. Looking up in the rafters I got shivers thinking about having these three guys someday retiring their numbers alongside Heat legends Tim Hardaway, Alonzo Mourning, Michael Jordan, Jackie Robinson, Wayne Gretzky and Dan Marino.

Sometimes The Heat refer to themselves as El Heat and even wear Jerseys with the Spanish name for games. Wait wha-- Don't they fucking know? It should be Los Heat. The Miami Heat are (is? stupid singular sports nicknames) the only team to have the NBA logo on the right shoulder of their Jersey instead of the left.

Mickey Mantel is from commerce, just to the north of Miami, which is why he was called the "Kid from Commerce" and "The Commerce comet". You would think Miami would be a baseball mecca, since Mickey Mantle was from the area, plus all of the Cuban Americans.

Then you have Chris Quinn. The Miami Heat are always the fliest fuckers in the league and know how to dress.

This must be what convinced Kobe Bryant to do that photo shoot with the white clothes. Yes, I'm implying that Chris Quinn is the Yin to Kobe's Yang.

Just think about it. Their careers are mirror images of each other. One played on the west coast, the other on the east coast. One is an all time great, the other is an all time great.

The only question you may have right now is where does Yao Ming fit in this picture? Simple, I say.

As a 7-foot tall Chinaman, Yao Ming was originally drafted by the Heat. He was subsequently traded to a nonexistent franchise in exchange for having the old Miami Arena imploded, which was necessary due to an overabundance of Alonzo Mourning's spare kidneys making the place inhabitable for humanity. Ming then shrunk into a toaster and changed his name to Now Ding.

So there you have it. Now you can say you're no bandwagoner and truly feel like a life long Miami Heat fan.

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