Thursday, July 29, 2010

Should You Even Bother With Saving For Retirement?

Should You Even Bother With Saving For Retirement?

In theory it really probably is a good idea to save for retirement, but let's be real here, you're probably asking yourself if you should you really bother saving for retirement. Depends on if you plan on being old sometime. I don't plan to ever be old, so I don't.

I mean, who the fuck am I kidding maxing out my Roth IRA contribution? I'm a fairly average 30 year old living in some shit hole I'm trying to fix up so I can maybe some day be a slumlord. Who the fuck do I think I am? Some fucking millionaire or something come the year 2040 because I followed what my rich boomer parents told me to do in between golf games? I mean, seriously, let's be honest, do you really think the human race will still exist in 2040?

You should follow my lead and start withdrawing that shit tomorrow. I'm a fucking retard for buying into this retirement scam. It's very simple if you find yourself being asked if you should save for your future? Probably not. Mainly because there's a chance there will be no future.

Fuck this gay earth. Fuck it to hell. Ride that nuke bomb all the way down like in Dr. Strangelove. Didn't you read my piece on BP's giant fart bubble? Yeah, if that giant bubble of methane under the gulf coast bubbles up like some crazy dude on the internet predicts, then I wouldn't worry about seeing next year, let alone retirement. The entire earth is going to die thanks to the incompetence of oil giants.

Some crazy dude on the internet predicted that doom would come like it did in a global extinction event 250 million years ago.. in the form of a big fart cloud of death. Methane pockets blowing up and all of us dying. You're telling me you don't believe him?! If you did then none of this would matter. Besides, you're in America. We're always finding ways to fuck everyone who lives here.

But back to retirement - You have to figure that with most work places eliminating their .0000002% 401k contribution that any of the $200 a month or so you could put spare on saving probably wouldn't even keep up with the rate of inflation anyway. Besides the pain that not having that $200 would inflict would probably be worse than the pleasure of being $15,000 or so richer when you're 80.

So it's really the best time to invest your retirement funds... into guns, ammunition, durable food, batteries, gasoline... and so forth. Here's what you do, Buy a gun and some bullets and start robbing people. Your retirement plan should be to fulfill your kill list in your golden years.

Now that I think about it, maybe you should save all the money you can, because the ruling class will prevent our economy from experiencing inflation even if it means a 90% unemployment rate. But it's still worth getting that gun because the mob justice in that situation will be a real threat.

At work there's all these posters around the art department with dudes beating themselves up for not saving properly because now they have a to golf at a B rate resort instead of an A rated resort. I think when the revolution comes, the golf courses will be the first to get torched. But the mini-golf places will still be around for the surviving boomers to enjoy. You can't be THAT terrible to your elders, you know.

If you have to have your monopoly money, you should just keep it in savings and pray they don't implement a federal sales tax on your ass. Maybe you could bury your money underground in a fallout shelter alongside your non-perishables so you can survive the eventual breakdown of society which is going to happen in our lifetime.

Let's be real. It's not going to be another scenario like when the boomers leeched off their kids. That sort of scam only works once. I would highly advise reading The Road and just using that as a guide for when the eventual dooms day situation happens and you find yourself faced with surviving day to day.

I mean, if you want real world advice, you could consider doing something which will continue to generate income long after you've stopped working. Write a good book, produce a good piece of art, and so forth. Do something that tickles the human psyche and contribute to humanity as a whole. I mean, that's what I'm planning on eventually doing.

What? Did you think that I write a blog a day but can't write a book? Unlike the blog, people might actually read it.

If nothing else, saving for "Retirement" might give you a little bit of financial breathing room for when you're inevitably downsized and can't find another job for months because everyone who graduated in the last 50 years with a humanities degree is also trying to find a shitty retail job.

I'm no financial adviser of any sort, so don't take my word for it, but maybe you should save just enough to buy a hand gun. Yes, that's it. Buy a gun. You only need one bullet in the chamber at all time for when you finally feel like being free of the suffering that is capitalism.

In the end, you should just live a fun life in the moment and day to day. Then when it stops being fun, just kill yourself. Or you could do what I hope to do and save about 20k, move to a third world country and live out your last 20 years like a king.

1 comment:

J.S said...

That was Amazing. I don't know who the fuck you are, i don't need to, but this was the type of stuff i needed to hear.