Sunday, July 4, 2010

Fourth Of July - Let's Get It Started

Fourth Of July - Let's Get This Party Started

Getting drunk and detonating shit. That's how I celebrate America! Yeah baby! I got me some Coor's cause, that bud shit is made by Germans though American made explosives are shit, so I'm celebrating the nations independence by blowing up Chinese fireworks!

I would like to start this one off with a question... Do you know what it really means to be All American?

Don't miss the great opening shot of the revolver, the bible, and the don't tread on me flag.
what is it called when you're forced to pay for a standing army that murders people for profit overseas against your personal wishes? SLAVERY! Oh wait, that's what we're doing in the Middle East. My bad.

But hey, this next man, he wants to fight for freedom as well. Only he thinks the real enemy is SOCCER!

Yeah. I'm not sure. Though if you want to go all conspiracy theory on us how about the fact that Thomas Jefferson and John Adams, both signers of the declaration of independence and Presidents died on the same day - July 4th 1826. Maybe someone didn't want them to talk, eh?

But again, I'm missing the point of this festival holiday of leisure. It shouldn't be about remembering a day when the declaration of independence from the British was signed and we cast away the shackles of royal rule, no no. It should be about buying illegal fireworks!

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I know people who drive across state lines so that they could buy the stuff that is illegal in California. You know, the good stuff.. the stuff that has far more powder. But hey, gotta celebrate independence some how. Here's some pro-tips;
Put "Black Cats" in glass bottles like a Snapple and screw the cap on quick after you light it. It'll shatter the glass

Fill a coke can partway with water and drop a black cat in it to shoot it about 20 feet in the air.

Buy a bunch of Black Cats in dirt to reenact saving private Ryan or the Pacific moments.

Shoot bottle rockets horizontally at your friends.

Light a bottle rocket while holding the stick in your hand, once the fuse is almost finished, chuck it in the air and watch it take off in a totally different direction than you intended!
Oh yeah, enjoy your $750 fine when you get caught. Though if you're in a big city like New York, if you shoot off fireworks from your building in Manhattan, the police helicopters show up with a search light. It's really cool when you think about it. Talk about lighting up the night sky.

You know what, let me forget about fighting the fallacy of for a few hours... and have a good time. I mean, I can't rage against this capitalistic waste land ALL the time, now can I? Just think of how much celebration is happening right now and planned for the evening.

I mean, people started lighting fireworks off at 7pm on Friday and I just rolled my eyes. Oh yes, in honor of ARE independence day.. Though maybe I'm becoming like the Grinch right now as my heart is warming up to the idea of celebrating the birth of our nation after all.

Happy Birthday, America! Remember, whatever happens you'll always be better than France. Don't let anyone tell you otherwise. It is true that we're the evil empire of the world, but you know what? Sometimes it's healthy to revile in the fact that we are such evil bastards. Let's give ourselves a round of applause for a job well done.

The 4th of July is really about being as drunk as possible to most americans so i'm gonna follow that path. People are more than happy to blow up themselves in the process and taking themselves out of the potential gene pool all the time. This should be rewarded. We don't need that sort of silliness in our American blood stream. No sir, that would only weaken the species!

Oh man, I'm gonna fire off some real humdingers tonight, yo. Cause I'm American and we do that sort of thing. So what are some of the other big explosions that Americans have caused, cause you know how we love making a big bang!

Oh yes, we sure love to make things go boom! How about this one.

Though, let's be honest. I bet less than 10% of Americans could properly identify this picture, even though it only happened a few months ago. Feels pretty good living in a country where people flying planes into buildings is just kinda par for the course.

That wasn't too heartless, right? I mean.. if I really wanted to get a comotion I would have went with that other big explosion that many believe was American made..

Google Tower 7

Oh man. I'm sorry. That's not very nice, now is it? You know what, let's get back to the circle jerking. Boooyah! Let's get this party started! GOD BLESS AMERICA, GOD BLESS SARAH PALIN, DON'T TREAD OF ME!

Happy Fourth of July, Ameri-CANS!