Just wanted to take a moment to remind you that today is the birthday of a very special person.......
For you see, God so loved the world, that he gave his only begotten Son, that whosoever believeth in him should not perish, but have everlasting life.
-John 3:16
Yes, I'm sorry to say that all the other millions who have had the misfortune to be born around these Holiday dates get overshadowed by Jesus H. Christ. But let's be honest, it's not like you died for all our sins, now did you? No! In fact you're still alive. You didn't even die, let alone for anyone's sins.
You should join me in wishing the Big J a happy two thousand and tenth birthday. Please have him in your hearts as you clog it with beef drippings today.
Most of all, you shouldn't take the Christ out of Christmas, man. What is with all this Santa worship. Don't you know that Santa can spell out SATAN!?!?!? What is all this comericalization of the birth of our lord and savior?
You should take a note from these fine folks who take out the Santa in Christmas fashion using guns guns and more guns!
Welp, I'm reconsidering ever stepping foot in Texas. Thems for sure.
Yup, these fine upstanding folks are the Westboro Baptist Church of Amarillo, constantly pulling stupid shit out of their ass in 'protests' at un-Christian events such as Earth Day, Race For the Cure, and 'demonically based concerts'. They also target such blasphemous places such as the Episcopal Church, Buddhist temples, Unitarian churches, the local Masonic lodge, and Beaver's Strip Club. Judging from the video, you have to be a lousy shot to join their group, because they couldn't hit Santa more than a handful of times from roughly 5 feet away. Also, Coup De Grace is pronounced 'Coop Duh Grace'.
They also took down their old website, which was full of flash animations depicting them killing Heathens and a "Warfare Map" showing the businesses they plan to target for harassment. Which is odd, you know, considering no one is worshiping Santa Claus as a god like figure. If anything, Santa Clause is a lot nicer than God. Santa Clause simply doesn't bring you a gift if you're bad. God sends you to fucking hell.
You just have to be careful that the fat man doesn't fire back at you. I mean, he knows when you've been bad and good, so why get on his shit list? You know what I mean?
Oh... because you have guns also? Yeah. I guess that's a reason...
I would like to gladly thank them for killing the not-even-pagan symbol of Santa Clause and we can get back to Christmas being the birth of christ... with comical guest the cast of Pirates..
I'm pretty sure the real reason why these militant religious folks hate the idea of Santa is that the moment you tell your sheltered home school kid that Santa isn't real, then it's only a matter of time until they make other connections and end up blowing some dude in an alley behind an Arby's while attending some Godless community college. If Santa can be a lie, how much further is Jesus in terms of fairy tales.
Yup, they sure take their hatred for Santa pretty far. Which is sort of sad when you think about it. I mean, taking the Santa gig at a mall has got to be the lowest of the low jobs when you can't find any other means to pay the bills during the cold winter season.
Why else do you think that most of the Santa's you see kids jumping on their laps smelling of urine and looking like they're drunk off their ass? It's not the position that it's cracked up to be. You get to hear screaming brats all day ask you for things. What a dream job... to get begged to by ungrateful little turds.
It's no wonder that the amount of drinking goes up this time of year. So it's even more important that you remember to thank Jesus for each present and morsel of food today, the day of his birth. Yes, his birth! That's what they say. The more you think about this silly story that would hold no weight in our modern time and be nothing more than an episode of Muary, Mary's claim of being knocked up by God is just silly.
Mary was more than likely raped by a Roman soldier and Jesus is a bastard... In the spring or summer time, you know, when Jesus was actually born. Though there's plenty of families who I have know that just call you crazy and say you're a stick in the mud when you point out that Jesus was born in the summer.
Yeah. I know, sounds silly. I mean, let's be real Santa isn't the only made up character in the Holiday season.
And for those who are going through airport screenings. I have to ask, why bother during Christmas? It's not like any terrorist will blow up anything on Christmas day. We may think them a godless country or whatever, but they still need time to celebrate ad since their religion seems to have roots with most others, why wouldn't they take the time off?
In fact, you're better off looking at this safety video on how to prevent zombies from killing your festive holiday celebrations than to worry about the acts of terrorism befalling you on the glorious of glory commercial holidays.
Just in case you are worried that I'm going to hell, I'll be glad to let you know that I did go to church on Monday.....
For a pagan solstice festival!
Booyah! You just got pwned, religious types!
What I'm trying to say is Happy/merry/joyous Inti Raymi/Bodhi Day/Samhain/Winter Solstice/Imbolc/Signature of the Constitution of the Republic of China/Chinese New Year/All Saints Day/Advent/Saint Nicholas' Day/Christmas Eve/Christmas/12 Days of Christmas/Saint Stephen's Day/Saint John the Evangelist's Day/Holy Innocents' Day/Saint Sylvester's Day/Watch Night/Feast of the Circumcision/Feast of Fools/Saint Basil's Day/Twelfth Night/Epiphany/Armenian Apostolic Christmas/Eastern Orthodox Christmas/Candlemas/St. Valentine's Day/Modranect/Yule/Diwali/Pancha Ganapati/Bhaubeej/Hanukkah/Tu Bishvat/Purim/Eid ul-Adha/Imbolc/Sadeh/Yalda/Chahar Shanbeh Suri/Saturnalia/Dies Natalis Solis Invicti/Lupercalia/Zamenhof Day/Festivus/HumanLight/Chrismukkah/Boxing Day/Kwanzaa/New Year's Eve/Hogmanay/New Year's Day/Martin Luther King Day/Chrismahanukwanzadan/Pastafarian Holiday/Winter-een-mas/Wintersday/Winterval/Starlight Celebration/Shoe Giving/Freezingman/Feast of Winter Veil/Day of the Ninja/Kwansolhaneidmas/Feast of Frith/Holiday Number 11/Xmas/Refrigerator Day/Life Day/'Slapsgiving/Agnostica/Alvistide/Frostval/Chalica/Hogswatch/St. Yorick's Day/Xistlessnessmas/Thanksgivoween/Decemberween and of course just under two years to the end of the world.
In short, Merry Christmas, you big bunch of multicultural douche bags.
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