Friday, July 13, 2018



Look, I have stayed home on many a Friday nights and watched the discovery channel to realize that I'm not saying this is ancient aliens, but clearly this massive black sarcophagus that was unearthed in Egypt is aliens
A massive black granite sarcophagus and a sculpture of a man who may be buried inside have been discovered in a tomb in Alexandria, Egypt.

The granite sarcophagus looks foreboding: It's nearly 9 feet long, 5 feet wide and 6 feet tall (2.7 by 1.5 by 1.8 meters). And, it may be the largest sarcophagus ever discovered in Alexandria, said Mostafa Waziri, general secretary of Egypt's Supreme Council of Antiquities, in a statement released by Egypt's antiquities ministry.

A thick layer of mortar covers much of the sarcophagus, suggesting that it has not been opened since it was buried, Waziri said in the statement. As such, the person buried in the sarcophagus, along with any clothing or jewelry they wore and any artifacts they were buried with, may still be intact, waiting to be discovered.
Oh shit. THAT'S where I left that thing. Look, it contains one spooky ghost. Honestly, you guys can keep both. Just scratch out the "property of Javier, call this number to return", I've changed the number at least twice in all these years anyway. 

At first I thought this was just another Elon Musk product trying to save those Thai Kids and we'll find out that there's a dead one trapped in there. Leave it to Musk to try and build a rescue submarine and end up with a shitty time machine.

Makes me also wonder if this isn't just the remnants of some X-men viral marketing? Personally speaking, I think we should totally open the giant black Egyptian sarcophagus, and maybe also mock the featureless alabaster head. I mean, based on the size of the tomb, clearly this dude had a small dick.

And if you're wondering if this news is just a whole lot of nothing, remember that this was originally reported on the Egyptian Ministry of Antiquities Facebook page. Those guys are as serious as a heart attack. There's no getting through to them when it comes to jokes. Though, I mean, I bet maybe they get a little goofy on,  like, birthdays and new years and casual Fridays.  

The thing is that these sort of events happen very often. I've seen way too many 'Hey, I found an old safe and I'm going to open it' situations to believe that there's actually anything inside worth the attention it attempted to receive. You're not going to fool me again, Egypt. Besides, if video games have taught me nothing else, it's that this sucker will either have
A) Anciet evil that triggers the Apocalypse
B.) High level loot
C.) At least some experience points earned for smashing the shit out of it.

And I'm honestly okay with all three outcomes. Can we just make sure that Brandon Fraser is on hand when they crack the fucker open? Dude has a handful of experience dealing with this and it'll be a shame to waste that talent

I do find it funny that they made a specific note that it had not been opened since it was buried. Like, maybe, just maybe someone wanted to make sure that whatever is inside couldn't get out? Just a thought.  I bet if something ancient and deathless rises from this tomb and declares itself the Pharaoh of the World, look, I know it sounds a little crazy, but I vote we give it a chance. We really can't just assume it would be worse than what we've already got going on now.
"A vote for Pharaoh of the World is a vote for stability and good governance. 5000 years of running the Illuminati from void black granite tomb can't be wrong! The economy is safe in my cold, undead hands!"
Look, not that I'm wishing for our demise... which, I guess I kind of am. But it would be really cool if this was some cursed eternal mummy wizard master who unleashed terrible spells on the world causing it to go down in a terrible vengeful flame for a cool reason and not just to increase the value of shareholders at the expense of foreign children's souls or something.

Part of me is torn on the subject. If the mummy wizard awakens other ancient creatures of myth and nightmare, brings magic back into the world, ends the Age of Reason, and brings mankind's reign over this Earth to an end, then we won't have any internet anymore. We got to look at the big picture here. On the other hand, Vampires, Succbi, and Djinn will inherit our infrastructure and you know they're going to end up with an internet that's even more fucked up than ours. So in essence, I'm not hearing a downside to any of this. 

Whatever is inside, I just hope it kills us all. If it's some sort of Lovecrraftian forbidden knowledge that sends us to our doom, well then all the better. Part of me also wishes it was one of those giants from the Bible, here to finally own those Lib-tards to kingdom come!  Though it's probably just a stupid mummy. But, you know, it being Friday the 13th and this being a nice jet black color, it might just be a really goth mummy to go with all that black aesthetic. That'll be cool as well. I always wanted to see a true to life goth mummy. And not just the ones I witness outside Hot Topic at the mall.

Seriously though. That is not a featureless alabaster head, it's a goddamn fucking warning. Did you not see The Strain? Because this is how we get to the point in The Strain where we were all fucked. And by fucked, I mean the viewers. because, Jesus, that was a bad show.

You know how this is going to end up. How it always ends up with these long drawn out archeological finds. After five years of extensive studies, they will conclude that there's a dead guy inside.  But for good reason, I suppose, Archaeologists always drag their feet when they find something of any significance as it's the only real way to get reliable funding. Do you want them to go back to teaching or something?

By then everyone should have 4k HD televisions, so they better fucking stream it in that sucker or they may as well just bury the goddamn thing again. Also, can we nail down a contract with Geraldo to be on hand when it's televised. 

Maybe they should just step aside and let some Youtuber who unboxes things take a tackle at this fucker. Please remember to like and subscribe, and be sure to stop by their online store for merch and/or support them on their Patreon. Every click is just more support towards watching them unbox something else... God damn, civilization is so fucked right now.

*The host pulls out a box cutter and starts slicing through the packing tape with it; world ends*

But now that I mention boxes, I'm pretty sure that it's just a bunch of increasing smaller sarcophagi inside this big ass one. It'll be pretty comical, really. They are going to open it and discover another, smaller coffin inside and this cycle will repeat itself until the end of time. Honestly, if I was a 2000 year old dead guy, I'd make sure to fully annoy the snot out of my would be future grave robbers with a prank that has that much time to build up on.

Then again, that's pretty much how every Egyptian sarcophagus work anyway. They had a giant outer stone sarcophagus, a big inner wooden coffin, often another wood coffin inside that and then maybe a mummy and a whole bunch of cats or something. I give up caring. You know what, fuck it. I take that back. I'm not putting all my money on it actually being an even bigger, blacker sarcophagus inside of this one. Don't ask me how I think that make sense. I'm just willing to put it on the line for it.

Otherwise it'll be just a container for some crazy enchanted artifact. Like a scepter that can cast the ultimate destruction magic, usable only once every thousand years. Powerful enough to evaporate Athens in a single blast. But, you know, ancient Athens. Which was totally smaller than, like, Connecticut or some suburban New York area.

Look, man. Ancient magic doesn't really scale up very well. Just look at your computer from, like, ten years ago.

Just imagine, chilling with yo homie Horus and Osiris, on, like, the banks of the Nile, and then some filthy peasant yanks you back to some museum to get ogled by tourist for all eternity. That fucking wizard is going to be hella pissed. I know I would be too. Curses for every one of you!  So maybe we should just leave it buried and respect their customs, you know. Like a polite human would do.

Let's face it. The sucker, besides having a very beef jerky looking old dude, is just going to contain a curse, and that's the best we can hope for. And by curse I mean some horrific dormant fungus inside that will kill us all. So, yeah, basically a curse.  And if you don't believe in curses, then well, that's typically a good amount of famous last words.

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