Tuesday, July 24, 2018



IT'S MOTHER FUCKIN' SHARK WEEEEEEEEEEEK!!! The real question now is who the hell actually cares that it's shark week? I mean, you know, aside from the President of the U.S. when he's trying to rawdog a porn star in a hotel room. I mean, let's be real, the whole shark week is just a gimmick, right?

And I'm sure you're thinking that the 10 year old is like all about it and mocking your denial of shark week with suggestions that maybe you should fight 10 year old you. I don't think so, buddy. You don't even have the smallest understanding of how to time travel works and that situation of kicking your own ass just isn't possible.

If you were to tell me that you wait all year long for this and you're a real fan of sharks and shark related information, I'd probably think that you're lying to me. It seems sort of like IFL Science. It's really only cool to say you like it but I'm also guessing most people never actually watch any of it and that's why it's still actually a thing that is referenced? I'm not entirely sure, to be honest. I'd much prefer to celebrate Cephalopod Week.

Now that I think about it, why is there a shark week but no human week? This shit is straight up reverse racism all up in this bitch. Besides, the majority of shark week shows have more recap and recap bullshit than the worst offenders in Reality TV shows and so much sensationalist nonsense, that you're better off watching 15 minutes of shark videos on youtube than you would of several hours of the shows in terms of actual content. 

In reality, what's the content you are getting? How you're more likely to die in a fall that get killed by a shark? Oh man, I can't wait to watch this new special because the shark is going to bite some stuff and I'll go Holy shit! because that is what sharks do best. Mostly because they are tubes with mouths on the front so that makes them good at biting. Clearly I have paid attention to shark week in the past and learned something. Every now and then they'll show a really big shark and I'll start to question my own mortality.

Speaking of which, Does Meg come out during Shark Week? Because it would be pretty stupid if that wasn't the case. Completely missed opportunity there at product tie in. I mean, if they're tying in together with Shaq, then why the hell not with a giant shark? While we're on the subject, why isn't Universal putting ads during these week for Shrek? I see all these really good tie ins and money signs. Get on it, Capitalistic television!

It used to be a big deal. And yeah, like the first few years it was a fun thing, but I don't know, over time we all just got lazy and let ourselves go so shark week just hasn't had the same appeal. I mean, there's only so much information out there about sharks. They gotta punch it up and show us some new info about sharks or spice it up somehow. Move on to another animal, perhaps? Though it has to be an apex predator like a lion, a tiger or bear... oh my.  Because really, sharks are cool and all, but fuck that shit if you think I'm going to watch shark shows for an entire week. Now with the internet, my friend. No ma'am.

Over all, the last few shark weeks have been a real let down. It's always been years and years of waiting for even a single marine biologist to get eaten. I'll even accept a photographer getting chomped on. But nothing. Maybe this year, my friends. Maybe this year.

Or maybe it'll just be more stupid shit like seeing if Michael Phelps can swim as fast as a great white shark. I mean, that just makes me want to destroy all known TVs and just go back to the stone age of actually communicating with one another.  Anyhow, Let's just call it a day with the sharks and move on to better animals.

No comments: