Tuesday, July 3, 2018



Oh, this should be fun. I know whenever I bring up the subject of tipping, even the most subjectively kind person may start questioning the worth of their food server's value.But I've started to hear about more of these TIP OPTIONAL restaurants. It makes me wonder if the restaurant is actually paying them a fair wage that they don't have to factor in tips as a means to make the bare minimum. Or is this just another situation where you're questioning if the wait staff is now just sticking their dicks in to your chicken Alfredo. Tips inverted is Spit, after all.

I guess you can just go to a buffet. No tipping needed there. Though you will get all the germ filled snot covered food you can eat since those kids are merciless. Anyhow, now that I think about it, unless tip is automatically factored in, like it is when you have a party of 8 or more, I guess tip if, by default, always optional. You can always do my style of going 20% unless it's bad service or something or a super hot lady. I mean, who the hell doesn't tip good on beautiful people. We are, after all, still a society that places such high values on such things for society worth.

I generally tip 20%, but often wonder what would happen if I just tipped... like, 0% Would I die? I'm not prepared for that scientific study. On top of that, I also wonder if by tipping 20%, I'm being seen as a super nice person, but does the server also look at me like a complete doormat? Yeah, sure they'd be super grateful that I left more than average, but they also may think that I'm a giant bitch for being dumb enough to fork out more money than I actually needed to.

I often fantasies about being one of those people who leave those cards that look like a 20 dollar bill, but when pulled out is actually an evangelical quote. Oh man, that'll be hilarious. Then when I'm walking out of the restaurant and onto the street I'd get hit by a bus so that all the wait staff have an awesome time laughing at my flying corpse.

It's all about the circle of life, ya know.

I do tend to wonder where the limit is, though. I went into a Jersey Mikes once and they gave me the option to tip. Like what the hell are you thinking? I don't even tip at subway and they're sandwich artist over there. If anyone is worthy of panhandling, it's a struggling artist type. Not you, Mr. Jersey sandwich fella.

Then there's tipping on delivery. I have seen this actually advertised  "$8 Delivery fee!*        *None of this goes to the driver, so remember to tip!". What the actual fuck. I mean, you're going to charge a service fee for delivery and then expect the buyer to foot the bill for whatever money you don't want to give your employees. Dick move, bro. by the way, can I get more garlic butter sauce?

That inner libertarian in me that is always constantly stupid and wrong wants to say that by tipping, you're directly supporting Capitalist corruption and that you should never tip. But if you do, don't do it by credit card. That is morally wrong in every way. Do it by cash only so that the dirty IRS won't snatch away any of it.  And then I have to realize that the dumb dumb libertarian part of me is right on that aspect. It's sort of like a stopped clock situation.

Still a lot better than those assholes who just write in the line "God loves you" or "Get a real job, you bum!". Maybe we should extend this whole tipping thing out more. We are, after all, in 2018. Why not toss a few bucks as a tip to the grocery store check out person? Though, you got to do it like me by sliding a dollar bill down their front of their blouse. Or, if in the case of a male, stuff it down his pants. I am, after all, a feminist first.

I talked to a foreigner once who explained that in their country they don't tip. He continued to tell me that their democratic socialism is a far better option than the out of control capitalist model that chains me to the grovel for alms like a fucking beggar. I mean, it's basically true. I couldn't argue with that.

I ask these important questions because I enjoy going to places that pay their cook staff minimum wage, their wait staff below minimum, and then charge me 5x cost. It's all apart of this crazy wheel we're on called Capitalism. I'm wondering when Americans are going to rent out spots on the street to panhandlers. Any thing to make a buck off each other. Or perhaps that is too much capitalism.

It has always impressed me that Tips are that psychological annihilation in the service industry. It allows business owners to pay their employees fuck all and pass the difference off to the customers and create a cultural dynamic where staff and customers are frustrated at each other rather than the owner, who is dicking them both over. It's like the tactics used by cult leaders.... or, like I just said, capitalist. It's completely evil and scummy, yet you can't help but admire it. Very fitting to talk about on this, a day before we blow shit up for the 4th, mainly because I don't think there's anything more American than what I just described.

I mean, if they're actually going to charge a little more and just pay the staff an actual living wage, I'm all for it. If they're just screwing the staff over, I mean, good luck staying in business. and not having a massive turn over every month.

Then again, restaurants exist primarily by exploiting the labor of their staff because they know they can hire some random guy off the street for pennies on the dollar. They maintain this dynamic by promoting bootlicker authoritarians who think working 14 hours a day for minimum wage is the height of human achievement to head Chef and celebrity culinary power. 

To sum it all up, I'm sure that this whole conversation makes living in the U.S. sound so fucking exhausting. It is. It truly is.

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