Sunday, August 2, 2009

Growing A Pair

Growing A Pair

With yesterdays blog about (500) Days Of Summer, there has been some questions on if I'm on anti-depressants or in love. As if there would be a problem with any of those two.. and I'm sure not on anti-depressants. Thems for sure. So what's the deal? I guess that I need to stick out my chest and show how I'm so totally an alpha male (Hey, stop laughing!)

It's not easy to show how you're the alpha male in this feminist friendly modern day. You've seen Mad Men, it's a catch 22. There's the whole stigma of being a man and hiding your feelings and acting tough but at the same time you're suppose to show some of those emotions? Make up your mind, people!

I was confused. I mean, what make s a man? How do I become one of these Alpha males? I hear they get all the ladies, right? Sure enough as soon as I asked that question, all my problems where answered by the magic box that has solved every answer I have ever had. My Television. This time it came in the form of an Axe product ad.

Did you see that? Dude has a date and he gets cock blocked by the waiter. Who more than likely just took his order for a snobby bottle water from the alps or some shit like that. The tables turned, my friend. Alpha male status was just snatched by the Beta... or even Omega male. Now he's the Alpha male with ex-alpha's date.

I needed to see more. Learn this sacred art of wearing some smelly body spray. Everything was made clear when I ran into this German ad campaign for the new AXE body spray called Muchas Maracas.

Holy shit! Small nuts Omega male takes a public shower and then grows a pair... literally! Though I have to question if big maracas counter act the awful smell you would get wearing an Axe smelling product. Clearly it has to because you look pretty fucking stupid playing with huge maracas.

At this point I realized that this Axe shit had spread outside the US. I would apologize for getting our sexist bullshit all over you other countries, but in this case, I think the U.S. is owed an apology for once.

Axe was launched in Peru in 1983 by Unilever. It was inspired by another of Unilever's brands, Impulse. Impulse was a fragranced deodorant body spray for women that promised wearers male attention. Which makes you wonder who was actually buying this shit since women have an easy enough time getting male attention... show a little cleavage.

From there Unilever were keen to capitalize on Axe's French success and rolled it out in the rest of Europe in 1985, later introducing the other products in the range. Unilever were unable to use the name Axe in the United Kingdom and Ireland due to trademark problems so it was launched as Lynx.Don't worry, a smell pile of shit by any other name is still a smelly pile of shit.

With the success in Europe, they moved on to Latin America and had a moderate impact in Asia and Africa. Though on January 12, 2008 a 12 year old boy in Derbyshire, England died in a hospital five days after collapsing at his home. The medical coroner ruled that he had suffered from cardiac arrhythmia and died from heart failure as a result of excessive inhalation of Lynx.

So if you have a wave of women chasing you because you put this terrible product on your persons, you may have to go to the hospital because you're more than likely delusional from smelling this shit. In all truth, I don't give a shit if I grow a pair of balls. I don't mind chick flicks. I caught a screening of Julie & Julia and I enjoyed it. Then again, I grew up on Julia Child's cooking shows and I fancy myself a semi-decent chief.

I'd rather have my heart on my sleeve and show my emotions. That's the way I roll. Then again, I can often be very isolated. So that's a bit of a contradiction. I guess it's a matter of the levels I allow others to get inside my head with. Not everyone knows my issues and really, I'm thankful I don't have an issue with huffing Axe body spray.

I guess what I'm trying to say with this blog entry is... Harry Belafonte fuckin' Rocks!

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