Friday, October 29, 2010

Halloween 2: Revenge of the Costumes

Halloween 2: Revenge of the Costumes

So it's Friday and I'm still a little on the fence on what my halloween costume should be. Given that there's always parties and what not this weekend, it's just a matter of time that has run out on me.

I mean, every year it's pretty last minute what I choose to actually go as. There's always the classic fall back options that require little to no actual work in preparing. Clark Kent is an easy one since I just toss on a Superman shirt under a button up and with my glasses it's pretty much sold itself. Then there's always Super boy.. which is just my other nerd shirt with jeans. Yeah.. that's tough.

More proof that Bill Maher has never done anything funny

But what if I want to be edgy? There's always the crossdressing option. It's really the only socially acceptable outlet for it. Hey, if women can dress up like slutty whores on this holiday, why can't men gay it up a little, I say! One weekend a year, no one gives you shit for putting on woman's clothing. All you have to do is go as something shockingly offensive, but have it be "ironic" so it's A-okay!

I think that a good Halloween costume should be easily recognizable by your standard party goer drunk at least 10 feet away from you, otherwise you're going to spend the entire night explaining what exactly you are. I think this may be the reason why women just don't wear a lot for the holiday. Why bother? People don't typically ask you what you are when your tits are hanging out. They just drool over your tits. Saves you a lot of time explaining away some poor choice at the costume shop.

Like, I originally wanted to go as a "whore", but, to no surprise they only had "slutty whore" at the costume shop. I mean.. what the fuck? Who said I wanted to look slutty when I'm dressed like a cross dressing whore?

I love, its also home to: Sexy Grim Reaper, Sexy Polar Bear, Sexy Big Bird, Sexy Hugh Hefner (as well as dozens of more traditional Playboy costumes), Sexy Pacman, Sexy Snowman, Sexy Jason Voorhees, Sexy Beer Mug, Sexy Lady Pimp, Sexy Viking, Sexy Willy Wonka, Sexy Ninja Turtle. i dont even know which one of these to bold for emphasis they're all ridiculous

Why is female Freddy such a moron that she'd cut her own shirt? Fuck'n women can't do anything right. This is just terrible. Ooooh wait. It's to show off some skin. Man, I completely forgot that you had to "Sexy" up any costume. Even if it's a costume of a board game...

Yup, you guessed it.. Sexy Scrabble. Nothing turns me on like a triple word score.. with her! Boooyah! I'm just glad I can't read the words they're making out on her stomach. I'd probably get some sort of aspergers rage at the fact that they don't have proper letter allotment. I mean, you'd have to have more than one X to make up words like XOXO and I'm sure the other words on there are shit like LUST and BITE or TICKLE. No one would play those words as they aren't worth that much points.

The problem here is that the kind of women they get to model the outfits and actually look good in them don't need those outfits to show off how good they look. I'm pretty sure you could do a sexy quadriplegic and the model will be way hotter than she should be.

Recall that one picture of a "Sexy Ghost Buster" from the previous Halloween costume blog a day or two ago? Let's look at the picture of how it looks on an actual model..

How embarrassing it must be for her to walk around like that... What with her proton pack being upside down and all. Just more proof that these costumes only really look good on those who otherwise would look good anyway.

Besides that, everyone's doing sexy outfits. Though I once spent Halloween in a brothel and that was the one night no one was dressed up sexy. You know what's even more comical about all those "Sexy" costumes? The costumes based on historical sex workers like Moulin Rouge dancer, Geisha, and Saloon girl tend to be the ones that show the least amount of skin.

But hey, this next costume is a great one if you're a fan of David Lynch...

Even though I have to say that a skimpy ski uniform seems a little nonsensical even for sexy Halloween costume standards.

I also don't want to go as a couples costumes. I find those to be some of the worse war crimes possible to humanity. They're so awful in every possible way. There's nothing more awkward than having to deal with a couple in a matching costume short of having to actually stand there while they make out.

They're so obnoxious in both their choice of clothing as well as their manner they carry themselves as a costumed couple. Why don't they just go home and make out in the closet or something. What purpose does it have to show off how much in love you are that you're willing to dress in matching attire? All it really does is make it so that when you break up, that year's Halloween costume is forever gone in both pictures and mention.

Then there's the idea of just cranking out the anime to a full 11 on the dial and going in a full on Neon Genesis pilot suit...

But back to my situation. I think it's a matter of making it so that people actually get what or who I am. I once told my friends I was shooting to go as Trotsky and they had no fucking idea who that was. It was a clear indication that I possibly needed new friends.

So lets take a look at the popular choices for costumes most years...

Yeah, that sounds about right. I'm just going to be a drunk for Halloween. Potentially a groper. Depends on how much of a drunk I end up being. Yup sir, that sounds about right. Or maybe I will just dress up as a secular, rational human being who doesn't buy into a commercialized Pagan holiday turned into an excuse to slut it up and chug till I'm piss drunk.

Or I'll just be Donnie Darko.

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