Saturday, March 5, 2011

Guy Must Be Stopped

Guy Must Be Stopped

Food Network has gone too far. Yes, you see they unleashed Guy upon the world and we will never be the same again.

If you're not aware of Tex*Wasabi, which is a god awful Americanized sushi place for fat dumb Americans who just finished getting drunk watching Nascar and feel like they need a bit of culture in them, so they get some sushi.

But would you look at this menu.. Just click it.. I DARE YOU!

Words.. they can't express the madness. I mean, look at that. Chicken Cordon Cool... Chicken Cordon Cool. We truly do not deserve such a talented culinary mind such as Guy. Thirteen dollars... $13 for Shake'n'Bake chicken.

I can only hope it will do for French food in America what Chili's did for contemporary Mexican cuisine. No, I don't know who Rick Bayless is, why would I care?

You have to love the patronizing menu headings, as well. I just didn't realize he was the type of douche that used "Freedom Fries". That usage doesn't even make sense. It's a French fucking restaurant... well, sort of. If people are so averse to the term "French Fries", why would they go to a fucking place like this?!!?

Did I really read Fig Mozzarella Sticks? Yeah, I think I just did. Fuck. Also, a salad with ranch dressing. That's actually on the menu. Those nachos sound horrific as well. I somehow imagine a handful of dry herbs de provence chucked on top of that shit. Mmmmmm mmm good! Lots of lavender so it tastes like perfume! Steak and tater tots is perfect as well.

Someone should send it to Anthony Bourdain, though such action could put him on suicide watch. I mean, The Beef Bro-guignon is just fucking funny.. if not sad. It really has to be the douchiest name of them all. It's beef stewed with Jack Daniels and bacon.

I really choose to believe that there are no other ingredients.

Thanks to Guy, those darn crazy French cooking items are more accessible for us poor, fat, stupid Americans. Dare I say that Pepe Le Pow's is pure "money"?

Though maybe I'd like it better if it was just called Pepe le Pew and was themed after a lecherous, horny skunk. It would probably be way better in that fashion. And I can't say enough about how fucking strange The Faux Gras sounds. I mean, it sure doesn't sound appetizing.

That simply can't be real. I refuse to believe that someone would let Guy Fieri make dishes named "Beef Bro-Guigonon" or "Steak au'some' poivre," Butchering simple, delicious meals at the same time. There are things, like the vastness of space or the mind of Glenn Beck, that the mind is just incapable of grasping. This menu.. it is one of those things.

I'm really curious as to what you get when you use Jack Daniels in steak au poivre instead of cognac. Well, Almost. I don't want to waste any kind of meat attempting to do that. I'm also assuming they'd just mix some Jack and cream or some horrid shit rather than deglaze the pan and use veal stock or demi-glace. God, why am I thinking about this?

I mean, yeah.. there's a lot of morons who turn their noses at French food, thinking it's too complicated for someone else to cook or that it all costs $200 and is made with the blood of American babies. So what better to mix it up with than something that's completely incongruous, like butchered Tex-Mex. Pepe le Pow takes everything that is great about two world cuisines and rapes it with a freshly deep fried tortilla.

Besides, how else would you finish your meal than with "Chocolate pudding fancied-up with an orange twist"

Credit to Goons with Spoons