Sunday, March 20, 2011

One More St. Paddy's Day Rant

One More St. Paddy's Day Rant

Since I had to deal with two check points this weekend because of how close St Patrick's day/weekend celebration, I'm going to be like a potato famine and hit the Irish with everything I have...

Okay, that's a little unfair. It's not the Irish's fault really. Yeah, they're genetically disposed to be drunks, but it's not their fault that every fucking frat boy has co-oped their holiday as an excuse to get shit faced.

No, you see, I don't go in for that "Excuse to drink" bullshit. I didn't nor would I be drinking any more on any St. Patty's day or the weekend that follows it than I normally do.

On the flip side, I also won't be drinking any less.

Now that I think about it, the saying "Luck o the Irish" seems like a passive-aggressive jab when viewed historically. Fuck, that's pretty messed up, man.

St. Patricks Day would be a much better day if the British Army showed up at some point and gunned down every dumbshit wearing an over-sized, novelty Guinness hat. Then you would cue in another 800 years of Irish crying, whining, and self-pity. Oh yeah, not to mention awful U2 music. God, why is it that you white people love that band so much?

Perhaps I should take another shot at educating you on St. Patty's day history. I mean, it could very well be that St Patrick's Day was indeed a coded story about how Christians exterminated all the practitioners of local religions because they were metaphorically "snakes" that were driven out of Ireland. Or it could very well be a reference to druids with their snake tattoos and what not.

And how about that potato? Let's let a clearly stereotypical Irish lass explain it.

How about knowing your Irish? Here's a list of Irish folk in history, famous and infamous. Feel free to add to it if you recall any micks.

Barack O'Bama
Panch O'Villa
Jackie O'Nassis
Patrick Fitzhenry
Henry Fitzpatrick
Jell O'Biafra
Yoko O'No

Yup. Shaquille is probably the best Irish-American name. Now see, isn't history fun? It's a whole lot better than just making an excuse for Bro's to get together and get drunk and act belligerent. The whole Holiday should be openly mocked.

And yeah, Guinness, I love you, but why the fuck are you selling a stout called "extra foreign"? If people are more than happy enough to drink Green Miller Lite for a quarter at 7am, why make something "extra foreign"?

Most people drink Keystone or PBR that they bought in a 30 pack for $7.99. They aren't doing this ironically, you know. More so because they're probably unemployed in this economy and running out of money.

Well, there we go. I did a final few jabs at the whole St. Patty's Weekend. So how about we kick this away by playing something that isn't Dropkick Murphy's

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