Hey California, Print This Out and Take it With You Next Tuesday
2008's ballot measures are a doozy. There are the usual suspects, initiatives that sound really good but really only benefit the ghost of Hitler, extravagant bonds that pay for kind of useful crap, "think of the children" nonsense, and the "parental notification" one that's going for a three-peat defeat. Then there's the anti-gay marriage one which appears to have taken home Best of Show this year. Come on guys, can we argue over a different ballot measure for five damn minutes? Jesus.
With so much crap being peddled by the people of this silly state it's hard to sort out the awful propositions from the really awful propositions. What is a voter who just wants to get back to playing Fallout 3 to do?
Why, the only thing you can do. Turn that brain off, print out this page, and bring it with you when you go to the polls on Tuesday. Don't just vote the wrong way, vote the goon way. Here's a rundown of California's ballot measures and how you should vote on them.
Proposition 1A - "Safe, Reliable High-Speed Passenger Train Bond Act for the 21st Century. Haha, No Really, Trains"
How you should vote: Yes.California High Speed Rail will eclipse the current rail speed record in California held by the locomotive seen here.
If you've ever thought about becoming a homosexual, there's no better way to start than to vote yes on Proposition 1A. Trains are gay, and gays love trains. The No On 8 campaign and the Yes On 1A campaign should join forces and redefine what a train going through a tunnel really means (anal sex involving two men by the way). What better way to celebrate your legal homosexual marriage than with a romantic trip on the high speed rail to San Francisco and a quickie in the bathroom at 220 MPH?
Now I know what you're thinking. "Ten billion for trains? Those things still exist?" When most people in America think of trains they think of crummy old Amtrak. Well, the high speed rail network in California will do several things that our current railroad network doesn't.
- It will actually go somewhere.
- It might actually get there on time.
- It won't tip over and burst into flames.
"But public transportation..." you say, "Isn't that for illegal aliens from... Mexico???" No, see, that's the beauty of high speed rail. Manny from East L.A. is priced right the hell off the train! Unlike mass transit, high speed rail makes an operating profit in countries like Japan and France. There's no reason it won't in California, especially considering brown people like me won't be able to ride it. That's a win-win for everyone.
No illegals and plenty of man ass. What's not to love? Unfortunately someone had to show up to rain on our 10 billion dollar parade. The bulk of the opposition comes from The Reason Foundation, a libertarian think tank that writes in complete sentences and uses proper grammar, so instead of refuting their claims I'm going to cherry pick some retarded comments from the Internet. Click on them to bare witness to their logic.
There is nothing faster in life than a high speed train.
Come on, FreeRepublic! This train will be 100% white! You're going to love it!
Unfounded fear mongering. The staple of any good election.
Prop 1A will create jobs, NIMBY drama, and cure cancer, the cancer that infests our transportation infrastructure in this state, that is! Go ahead and vote yes on 1A, because lawsuit after lawsuit is just going to kill it anyway.
How you should vote: Yes.
Continuing the gay theme of this update, I'm recommending a yes vote on Proposition 2. My support for this measure isn't so much about animal rights than it is about revenge.
I used to be one of those guys who bought cage free eggs. I figured it was a good compromise. People who want chickens treated better will pay a higher price to do so. Those who don't can continue to pay lower prices for eggs. You know, free market and all that nonsense.Hens that are allowed to extend their wings and go out for a smoke every once in a while live longer, healthier lives and produce eggs that glow in the dark.
Then I realized that just because it says "cage free" on the carton doesn't necessarily mean more humane treatment. In fact, some of these cage free hens are better off in cages.
The "free range" movement was marketed as if chickens would be chilling on Old MacDonald's farm and shitting out an egg every once in a while like Yoshi. Instead, it's cramped conditions in dark, filthy warehouses where chickens just piss and shit everywhere. And I was paying, what, 4 dollars a dozen to support this? Fuck eggs.
Since these so called free range farmers didn't hold up their end of the bargain, they all get to suffer through eggs that cost pennies more to produce, costs that will only be passed on to consumers who will hardly notice, if this measure passes. This will surely make or break many farmers struggling to survive. California may lose millions of dollars because of egg producers that left to other states or even the country just so they could stomp on chickens' heads while jerking themselves off.
We might even have to import our eggs from, God help us, Mexico. Whoops, I mean huevos. They don't screw around with giving chickens rights down there. If anything, they make them fight a couple rounds between laying eggs.
How you should vote: No.
The joke should be obvious here.
How you should vote: No.
It wouldn't be a California election without parental notification.
I'm pro-abortion. No, not pro-choice, but pro-abortion. Abortion is simply a tool used to prevent unwanted births, nothing more or nothing less. This means abortions should be readily available at low, low prices. The stigma associated with getting an abortion should be removed through hip advertising campaigns that paint abortion as the hot new trend all the cool girls are participating in.
Maybe it could be like a Sex in the City thing where these teens strut around with their designer handbags and walk into an abortion clinic and spread their legs. I could see that commercial running on TV.
In any case, anything that gets these women to terminate their pregnancies is a good thing and anything that stands in the way of that is a bad thing. I'll tell you what the real danger is. A girl not getting an abortion because she doesn't want her parents to know, waiting until it's too late to terminate the pregnancy, only to get beaten by the abusive father figure once she ask for permission or advice on getting the abortion. Or choosing to then giving birth to a kid that's only going to grow up and carjack you.
I can fear monger too, you know.
How you should vote: Yes.
People don't always vote so much on the actual text of the law a proposition is based on but on the ideology that led to its creation. Regardless of what Proposition 5 specifically does, it breaks away from our failed drug control policies to offer something that may just be more effective, treatment as opposed to jail for nonviolent offenders. As long as a line making the act of shot putting newborn puppies off a cliff legal isn't buried somewhere deep in the text of the law, I'm okay with it.
The idea is that the guy who stole my stereo, if he did it to feed a drug addiction, would be offered rehabilitation instead of jail so that when all is said and done, he hopefully loses his insatiable lust for drugs and thievery and becomes a productive member of society.
Of course, it doesn't always work. But then again neither does our ridiculous "war on drugs".
How you should vote: No.Tupac opposes Prop 6 because it will spend one billion dollars on unproven programs with ZERO ACCOUNTABILITY.
If Prop 5 is designed to relieve stress on our overcrowded prisons, then Prop 6 is its mortal enemy. It seeks to pack more prisoners into jails with tougher penalties on trivial things like being a gang member while committing extortion, robbery, and intimidating witnesses. A life sentence for carjacking sounds nice, but don't these guys usually find Allah in prison (well, the version that doesn't want to kill us all)? A parole hearing isn't out of the question after a couple of decades if the dude starts seeing Muhammad in the walls of his prison cell.
The measure also makes meth possession a felony and increases prison terms for possession of meth with an intent to sell. I wonder how someone could reconcile voting yes on both 5 and 6.
There's also some wacky stuff about expanding the situations in which hearsay evidence is permissible in court. Lionel Hutz is spinning in his grave.
Of course, this thing is going to pass because hey, police funding and gangs. What the hell am I going to say? "Fuck the police"? Sometimes you just have to pick your battles.
How you should vote: No on both.
Both the California Democratic Party and the California Republican Party are opposing Prop 7. You don't even have to read the goddamn thing to know that you're going to vote no on this. I'm not going to waste your time even telling you what it's about.
Prop 10 is the infamous payday for natural gas baron T. Boone Pickens. Renewable energy and alternative fuel vehicles sound good and a few morons will vote yes on this, but this proposition will provide a billion dollars in rebates to purchasers of "heavy-duty vehicles weighing 25,000 pounds or more" as opposed to $340 million for high and very high fuel economy light vehicles.
The idea is to sell more heavy-duty vehicles that run on natural gas, a product sold by the backers of this ballot measure.
Both measures sound good in theory, like the time my girlfriend said her flow was light and that it was okay to go down there, but all these two propositions will result in is a bloody fiscal mess.
How you should vote: No.
In the glory days of 16-bit consoles Sonic the Hedgehog was the edgy alternative to Mario. He was faster, more hip, and was blue, basically the opposite of poor old Mario. Unfortunately Mario has aged far more gracefully than Sonic has, turning Sonic into the video game equivalent of an old queen.
Sonic the Hedgehog has always been a progressive figure. The Sonic saga was one of the first to feature the first openly gay video game character, Miles "Tails" Prower ("Miles Per Hour"). Sonic did not care that Tails was gay and neither did we. Unfortunately homosexual liberals have perverted the legacy of Sonic to turn his games into festering piles of queer bait that are played in our schools.
Prop 8 seeks to redefine Sonic from the icon of furry perversion back into a figurehead for alternative console mascots everywhere. It was Sonic who led the fight against Mario, alongside Crash Bandicoot, Gex, and other failed mascots, similar to how Rachael Ray and Ellen battle Oprah in the eternal struggle for the attention of stupid women.
This law mandates that Sega make a good Sonic game within three years of its passing. Failure to do so would turn Sega into a furniture company.
VOTE YES TO PROTECT THE SANCTITY OF THE GREEN HILL ZONE. Vote no on the real one by the way.
How you should vote: Don't bother. It's money for veterans.
It's going to pass anyway, like it did the last 26 times. In fact if you try to vote you might even screw up and become the only one to vote no on it. Then you go to hell.
Budget crisis be damned. This is your chance, California. Let's put newly rehabilitated big gay construction dudes to work on our big gay trains so we can get gay married while we eat gay eggs from Mexican chickens. California, redefining gay while hiding from creditors.
Damn, by the way, I left my wallet in my other pants. Can you get this one? Thanks a ton.