One Last Shot
The tale you're about to read is entirely true and tragic that starving children in third world nations will feel my pain. Of course they wont be able to tell the difference between my pain and the pain of not eating for a week. But that's Sally Struthers problem and well, once you finish this blog you'll realize I have my own problems to deal with. Namely because of a shot glass.
And before I get started on this, let me say I'm sorry. I know you don't read this blog to get inundated with my personal shit, that's a pet peeve of mine when it comes to blogs and people thinking that they're so god damn important that any one gives two shits about their own person struggles. I don't fool myself. I know you don't care. You read my blog because I'm funny, off the wall and often witty. I apologize in advance but stick around through the personal strife and maybe you'll laugh at my suffering.
I knew that the drive wasn't going to be all that interesting. It's 773 miles of god damn nothing! My hope was going and almost gone when I passed mile marker 769 and then I saw it.. such a sign of beauty. Ok, it was more along the lines of confusing and... a little upsetting.
Though I have to say that I found it a little humoring. There was this stupid beaver as the mascot of the company. What's there not to like? Well, I didn't have to take a piss and so I carried on. The more I drove, the more I found funny signs for this place. One of them even just had this slogan "BUC-EE'S: IT'S A BEAVER" and maybe it was because by mile marker 650, I was starting to lose my marbles. Oh yeah, if you can't tell by now, I was counting down the miles before I was out of Texas.
"Fabulous Restrooms". Oh my, I can't say that in my travels from Florida to the current middle of Texas that I had used a half way decent restroom. Yes, there's Southern hospitality, but they don't advertise Southern Restrooms because all those biscuit and gravey sure as hell does not go down easy in their plumbing.
After pushing on through vast fields of Texas nothingness I finally got closer and closer to my new goal - To see this Buc-ee's in person. I figured it was some sort of attraction park. It ended up being a whole lot better, It was a gas station! And what a gas station it was. They had all sorts of trinkets and other junk. The neon sign kept highlighting their fabulous restrooms and you know what, they were beyond clean. I built up the hype about those johns and I can't say that I was let down in the slightest in terms of how clean they were.
Maybe it was the fumes from the gas pumps outside. Maybe it was the fact that I just drive a good 500 miles hyping this place up with billboards. But I cracked up so much at this shot glass. I had to buy it. I plopped down my green backs on the counter, bought some beef jerky and hit the road again with my new prize. The buc-ee's shot glass.
To say that I was a little bit sad is an understatement. I was pretty frustrated. Here I am far away from Texas and even though I stopped by the Alamo, I was in a state of not being able to forget the Buc-ee's shot glass. I called around. I still had one connection in Texas that I could call up and see if they could do me a solid and get me a shot glass, ship it to me. Sure, I bribed them with Arrested Development show material like scripts and other handy crafts that I stole from the set.
It was more along the lines of a memory of the road trip. Even though it wasn't MY shot glass, it looked exactly like it that I could pass it off as my own. Maybe one day I would tell it the terrible secret that I had to get it through the mail. But I wasn't going to ruin its ability to get me wasted.
Now you may be thinking "It's just a shot glass, what's the big deal?" And I'll tell you to go fuck yourself, thank you kindly. It may very well be a shot glass with some itched on scribbles. But it was the last memory that I stopped by a Buc-ee's on the first road trip that I traveled so far. From Florida to Los Angeles. Let's see you do that!
I'm not left with a tricky lack of options. I don't know when's the next time I'll be unlucky enough to be in Texas. Nor do I want to continue not having a shot glass that, even though I'm a raging alcoholic that seldom drinks, I don't think I can go on with this idea that my Buc-ee's road trip memory is shattered. So I'm looking to you, anyone who lives in Texas.. or even you Buc-ee's corporate headquarters. I've tried looking for an online way to purchase this. I have money that I want to give you in exchange for goods and services!
Maybe I should just face the facts. The shot glass is dead and I'm more than likely not going to get another any time soon. It's tragic, I know. but maybe it's for the best. Who needed to be reminded that Buc-ee's was indeed, a Beaver. And isn't it odd that they would say "It's a beaver" He has a name, you know. Buc-ee! I'll pour myself a stiff shot to ease the pain, but it's not going to be the same without drinking it out of the Buc-ee's shot glass.
So.. anyone in Texas. I have cash that is burning a hole in my wallet like this vodka is burning my open glass wounds in my lips. All I know is I need another shot glass that will eventually get shattered in some ironic fashion!
Preview of "Penn and Teller: Fool Us".
5 hours ago