Saturday, December 24, 2011

Bad Christmas Music

Bad Christmas Music

It seems like a redundant statement to make since let's face it, all Christmas music is essentially bad. But there's some songs worse than others. That even though they may stick to your mind like some awful tar filled glue, they are many that are far worse than others. Some that insult the intelligence of anyone with anymore than a single cell to think with.

First off I have to say that animals shouldn't ever fucking sing. There's many things animals can do. Die for my meal. Squander food for the winter. That sort of shit. But singing is just not one of those things. From Barking Dogs to silent night cats and even those fuckin' Chipmunks. Animals and singing do not go well together. It's just not right and should be a crime against humanity.

I just pray that helium runs out on earth sooner rather than later in order to make sure that no animal ever sings again. But even worse than that is another song that.. well, let's just say that there's Christmas Shoes

If you don't know why this song is disturbing, then let's have Patton Oswalt explain it:

But at the very least that one doesn't get into sexual situations. Not like the clear cut elephant in the room. I speak of course of the date rape song long before Sublime had their own date rape song. The ultimate white washed date rape song - Baby It's Cold Outside

Let's look at those lyrics again:
I really can't stay - Baby it's cold outside
I've got to go away - Baby it's cold outside
This evening has been - Been hoping that you'd drop in
So very nice - I'll hold your hands, they're just like ice
My mother will start to worry - Beautiful, what's your hurry
My father will be pacing the floor - Listen to the fireplace roar
So really I'd better scurry - Beautiful, please don't hurry
Well Maybe just a half a drink more - Put some music on while I pour

The neighbors might think - Baby, it's bad out there
Say, what's in this drink - No cabs to be had out there
I wish I knew how - Your eyes are like starlight now
To break this spell - I'll take your hat, your hair looks swell
I ought to say no, no, no, sir - Mind if I move a little closer
At least I'm gonna say that I tried - What's the sense in hurting my pride
I really can't stay - Baby don't hold out
Ahh, but it's cold outside

C'mon baby

I simply must go - Baby, it's cold outside
The answer is no - Ooh baby, it's cold outside
This welcome has been - I'm lucky that you dropped in
So nice and warm -- Look out the window at that storm
My sister will be suspicious - Man, your lips look so delicious
My brother will be there at the door - Waves upon a tropical shore
My maiden aunt's mind is vicious - Gosh your lips look delicious
Well maybe just a half a drink more - Never such a blizzard before

I've got to go home - Oh, baby, you'll freeze out there
Say, lend me your comb - It's up to your knees out there
You've really been grand - Your eyes are like starlight now
But don't you see - How can you do this thing to me
There's bound to be talk tomorrow - Making my life long sorrow
At least there will be plenty implied - If you caught pneumonia and died
I really can't stay - Get over that old out
Ahh, but it's cold outside

Baby it's cold outside

In the event that you don't see the pretty blatant narrative of this song, it's about a girl who is finding every excuse to say no and get the hell out of the rape den she's in and gets convinced to stay.

So what makes a good Christmas song? Rap, of course.

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