Sunday, December 4, 2011

What You Don't Want Under The Tree - Gift Guide For Shitty Children

What You Don't Want Under The Tree - Gift Guide For Shitty Children

I shouldn't have to tell you that there's no other season for such a blatant display of consumerism than in the Holiday season of Christmas. Everyone fighting for the latest and greatest toy in order to make sure that the snot nose brat doesn't cry like a little bitch on Christmas morning.

But what about those kids you want to make sad. Those naughty children who deserve nothing more than a lump of coal in their stocking and an ass beating for being such assholes. What do you get them that won't land you in county on counts of child abuse? Well.. here's some holiday ideas for you....

With a quick search over on, where they're putting small bookstores out of business left and right, I ran into some rather amazingly shitty toys that would make a child squeal with glee as they ripped open the package and then moan in disgust when they saw what was inside. Like this accurate solider doll for boys.

This one was actually linked thru via amazon, but seriously. Who wouldn't enjoy sitting above an empty bunk and strumming a tiny guitar like that after a hard day of basic training? And look! After you're done, you can shave with the included shaving brush and razor. Or you could just grab your towel and sandals and head for the showers!

The sad thing about this one is that it's actually pretty accurate in depicting the average day of military life. The only thing missing are the dude's porno mags. What, did you actually think that Call of Duty Modern Warfare was a completely realistic view of that armed forces lifestyle? More than anything you spend most of your time on base.

So now that you've seen what there is for boys, what about for the girls out there? How about this little peak into their future career with the McDonalds fun time set:

Why yes, by all means teach your daughter and siblings to pull themselves up by their bootstraps and doing menial labor as a Drive-Thru technician at McDonalds. It's fun and a learning experience. I'm pretty sure that a child aged 4-6 would no doubt enjoy playing with plastic food that must come with it. You should buy it if you hate their parents even more. The look on the kids faces should be worth it alone.

And while you're at it, you shouldn't forget to expand the experience by getting them the Talking McDonalds Cash Register!

Though both of those ideas are bad, the all time king of suck in terms of kids toys has got to be the Rock Tumbler.

Because what kids wouldn't want to turn rocks into slightly smoother rocks with only a couple of hours work and a shit ton of loud noise. Perhaps if you wanted to be or had any interest in geology, it would be interesting, but otherwise you're wasting your time and the kids false hope of a new game system by wrapping something like this up.

Perhaps it is a better gift than those licensed bath sets you find at every drug store anywhere.

You know the ones I'm talking about. They can be found in every CVS, Walgreens, RiteAid and super market willing to shell out the pennies it probably cost to buy it wholesale. It has a popular character on it so that your stupid uncle will just connect it to you liking it and bam, the rest is history. It's the only gift worse is when you got older and you'd receive the same set, but with a brand you never heard of.

But hey, at least that's actually licensed. Remember those unlicensed or knock off popular products that you really don't appreciate until you're older when you can laugh at how bad they are and not get mad because all your friends will laugh at you for owning that iFad or Sorny Gamestation 3. Perhaps you were like me and instead of having a Gameboy, you had a pile of Tiger Electronic games:

Boy, did those just make you say that they sucked so bad they could suck dick... speaking of which. Please don't get your children or anyone elses children's these:

I mean, on Buzz alone it's bad.. but then you look at who else they made like that and you just have to wonder what the hell happened to our standards as a society.

Tale as old as time... suck her phallic member! Then there's the gifts for the truly lazy. You know the type.. the person who can't even pet their own god damn animal.

I'm really left confused trying to imagine a cat or dog that would put up with any of those things at all without clawing your face off while you slept. But hey, at least it's not the single worse gift that ever existed. Which has to go hands down to the worse toy ever made to tie into a television show.. This Doctor Who figure of destroyed Cassandra

That is correct. There isn't even a Cassandra in there as she has been, as the toy describes it, destroyed. They literally made two versions of this toy of a stretched out face. One with her face on there and then they thought to themselves that they can double the profits by making a version that doesn't have her in it... and call it destroyed.

Fucking hell.

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