Thursday, November 1, 2018



Look, I know I talk about Costco a lot. I get it. You don't have to read this. I just like typing stories of my, what seems, weekly trips for a solo household - I know, it defies logic, but I go there a lot. And when I do, that $1.50 hot dog hits the spot. Now, I mentioned that some locations were getting rid of their Onion dispensers, but I just want to touch on how fucking awesome they are.

You see, the onion dispenser uses the Archimedes Screw. And right now the nerd inside me is just a little too thrilled by that, but what it means is that it's a screw up machine that was used for transferring water from bodies of water that were low lying and put it into irrigation ditches. It uses a turning screw - I mean, that sounds way too simple to get excited for, but you know, it's the small things.

Anyhow, it's a tragedy if those get yanked, I heard a couple of the no-dispenser Costco, you can ask for onions at the Kiosk and they give you a little cup of onions. As well as putting out a bin of onions and a little scoop of it on your hot dogs. I think this is foolish and anyone afraid of the dispenser is a freaking pansy.  I say, if you're not grinding a concerning amount of raw onions on to your suspiciously cheap hotdog, then I don't know what the fuck you're doing with your life.

The pencil sharpener dispenser is really the only way to acquire onions, or for that matter any condiments. It's your right as a Costco citizen. It says so in the member agreement, and if I sure as shit signed off on the right for them to check my receipt whenever I walk out, you damn well know that I'm all about the onion dispenser.

The onionizer may seem like a brute machine only capable of drowning your hotdog, but if you're really delicate and you have some skills, you can get the perfect line of onions right down the middle. It's really the trails you have to walk through to achieve Executive Membership status.

It may surprise you, but there was once a time when they even had a Kruat machine to dispense kruat goodness. Yes, I know what you're thinking, and the answer is yes. it does feel to be such an OG Costco patron. Hell, there was a time when we went by Price Clubbers.

But you see, "the perfect line" of onion is basically drowning the dog in them. With just a little deli mustard - when I want something a little sweeter, I do add ketchup and relish, but then again, ketchup on a dog... I know what you're thinking, but just allow me some luxury.

Anyhow, I think ultimately the goal is to get your bun filled and let it flow over onto the foil wrapper, then you basically just double the weight of the whole thing with onion cubes. I'm sure that one of these days the receipt checker is just going to try to stop me thinking that I'm stealing a melon in my foil packed with how much onion there is going on up in there.

Basically what I'm saying is don't talk to me for at least 4 hours after eating a costco hotdog or the onion blast on my breath will basically kill you.

No comments: