Saturday, November 24, 2018

McRibed For Your Pleasure

McRibed For Your Pleasure

Well, the fucking McRibb is back. For those of you who do not know what this thing is, it's a sandwich you get from McDonalds that is really only around for a limited time yearly or something. I don't know. It's made up of pork slurry that is somehow shaped into an oblong patty, slathered in a barbecue related sauce and than shoved with some onions and pickles onto a terrible roll and tossed into a box.

Shit is pretty gross when you look at it. It wants to look like some ribs you get at a classic bbq spot, and it has a painted on char line which makes you question reality and existence all at the same time. In fact, one of the highest moments of pride should be when you get a big bite of it and suddenly are faced with one of those huge unchewable nubs of gristle that not even the meat grinder could process out. That's like winning the lotto.

Mcrib and the meatball sub from Subway are the 2 garbage tier menu items that for some reason people clamor their praise for. I don't know why, but McRibs constantly come with three times the amount of sauce it needs and looks like they rolled it down a hill on its way to the bag. The onions are all over the fucking place and, well, I mean, guess what, why am I even trying to think this would be presented in any fashion other than "a mess" 

It's not even that rare. You can get frozen rib patties at the store that aren't much better in flavor, I mean, but at least you'll be able to save a few bucks. Then again, having food be cheaper when you buy it from the market has never stopped anyone wanting to go to McDonalds.

Let's also get it out of the way, even though the way they sell this hunk of meat covered in sauce suggest that there was a limited number of McRibs made in 1983 and that's all they have, so they need to keep it off the menu other than the three months out of the year so that it can slowly reproduce and bring up the numbers, I doubt that is actually true. While I'm sure the fall out storage vault that holds these McRibs is not going to run out any time soon as long as pigs have assholes and noses to get their meat from.

Nostalgia is probably the biggest motivating force on why the sandwich still exist. When you eat a McRib, you are eating a part of history. And although your body may not be getting nourished, your soul will be. A mouthful of wholesome goodness that nostalgia can provide.

Let's face the fact, fast food will never capture the essence of BBQ. That slow cooking magic needs to be just that. Slow. You can't just slap it through a fast food window and get the same effect. But we shouldn't expect that anyway. It's like they spent billions of dollars on research on how to make the perfect McDonalds burger patty and then for the McRib, they figured out that in 83, they could just pack up some pig assholes and cover it in sauce and call it a day. There's no seasoning to the pork at all and that I could detect, probably because the sauce is shouting at your taste buds so you can't really tell how putrid the meat is.

Simply put, the McRib is probably the worst item on the McDonalds menu and that's really an achievement I'm amazed can be achieved. Then again, the McRib is around all year in German, so depending on your view on this meat sandwich of sauce, it does make you wonder who really won the war.. or at least what the definition of a war crime really is.

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