Helpful Hints For Life

Helpful Hints For Life

It seems to me that there are a million things people don't know that would make their life safer, better and a whole lot easier. In my 29 years on this green planet I have learned a thing or two about all these things. I suppose I ought to lay down a couple of those helpful nuggets so that you can be better equip to deal with the task tossed at you in this great world of ours.

-When brushing your teeth, brush your tongue too. This will help eliminate bad breath.

-When coming to a stop in a car ease the pressure on the brake pedal. By doing this you can stop from any speed without jerking the passengers about.

-Dropping a square of toilet paper into the water makes for a soft landing pad for any turd bomblets.

-If you haven't had a threesome by the time you are 25, the odds of it happening diminish exponentially for every year that passes beyond that. If you have had a threesome before you are 25, the odds of staying with saidperson(s) for more than a year diminish exponentially for every encounter. If you value your relationship and don't want it to be flushed away, avoid the threesome altogether.

-Never rub another man's rhubarb.

-Never call someone more than twice in a row without receiving a call back. If they don't return your call then they don't want to talk to you. Accept it and move on.

-Be careful of the toes you step on today, they may be connected to the ass you have to kiss tomorrow.

-Despite popular belief, it is permitted to mess with Texas, in moderation.

-Get a set of tools and a few books on how to do simple home repairs. You'll save boat loads of money if you don't always have to call an electrician to fix a light switch or a plumber to replace your faucet.

-Always carry a towel.

-No matter how good it looks never trust a Nick Cage movie they all suck

-There's never such a thing as too much bacon!

-As relaxed as you may feel during a blow job, never pass wind.

-Drink you sleep, get 8 hours of drugs, dont do milk, take your vitamins and say your prayers, and you will NEVER go wrong.

-You probably look a lot better than you think you do, unless you are really vain, in which case you are a dick and people will see through your shallow facile exterior to the piece of shit you really are.

-Drink more water

-Remember that second hand books are a lot cheaper than first hand and just as readable. On a similar note try visiting a library once in a while.

-Do not assume that living in an inland location will remove all threat of a shark attack. Sharks know your guard will be down and this is when they are most likely to attack.

-Don't trust the white man

-"It's" is the contraction of "it is." "Its" is the possessive form of "it." Punctuation goes inside the quotation marks.

-Keep an extra set of clothes folded nicely in a sealed plastic bag in your trunk.

-When passing through a revolving door, exit once you get to the other side. Man, let me tell you, that was a long walk.

-Always keep a fresh stock of canned food. You never know when a nuclear conflict will erupt. Also drink from the tank of your toilet, never the bowl, if you are trapped with no running water.

-Proper Preparation Prevents Piss-Poor Performance

-To add to the water storage ideas, don't forget that your water heater tank contains about 30 gallons of water. If a storm is coming or such fun, you can also fill your bathtubs with water. If you need it, you've got 30-50 gallons per tub available. If not, you just open the drain and away it goes.

-Don't startle the witch. It's just not funny.

-Do not taunt Happy Fun Ball.

-Don't buy girls you don't know drinks, you're wasting your time and money.

-On a clear, cloudless night take time to just lay back in look at the stars, it is such a calm, surreal and enlightening experience.

-If you must fart in public, try to do it outside when it's cold. The cold suppresses the stink molecules.

-Document any and all time spent with friends. No one ever complains about having too many photos. Cameras are dirt cheap and always handy.

-Drink a lot of water. It'll help you eat more and if you drink cold water 30 minutes before a work out you'll have better stamina

There you have it, some helpful hints at life and it didn't come from some silly song

Aw shit, I went ahead and put that in here.. All bets are off.