Monday, May 4, 2009

Best At What He Does. He Shouldn't Do Movies.

Best At What He Does. He Shouldn't Do Movies.

This weekend saw Wolverine snkt out an opening weekend worthy of the comic movie label with it making $87 million this weekend in the U.S Sadly the quality of the film is piss poor. A lot of people I know are trying to cover the stink of this film by saying that "IT'S JUST A FUN POPCORN FLICK!" To them I say NO. No it's not. It's retarded. Crank is a good dumb popcorn movie. It never tries to be more than an ADD induced thrill ride. Wolverine was just a terrible piece of shit.

But then again, a lot of people already knew this weeks ago when a work print was released. Fox, back then, claimed that a lot was being added and that it was an early work print. Once the effects were put in, it would save the film. No. No it wouldn't.

I never really cared for the X-men films. Even as a crazy comic guy, I thought they were at best, a viewing to themselves. I know I would never own them. They didn't capture the X-men that I grew up reading so I had low expectations before seeing a final print of it at work. Even with these lowered expectations the movie let me down.

At least they got rid of the stupid hair he's had. Like the yellow costume, It doesn't translate well to film

The movie's major problem was jumping around too much. Ok, now we're in the 1800s, now we're going through every major war, now we're with a black ops team for a week, now we're with some chick in the woods, now we're getting the adamantium, now we're with some kindly old couple reminiscent of the Hudsons overnight. Oops, they're dead, what a waste of 10 minutes thinking we were supposed to care about them. Now we're in Vegas teaming up with Wraith. Now we're in New Orleans, Wraith is dead, and we're teaming up with Gambit. Now we're in Pennsylvania, but Gambit's gone for some reason. Jesus, stand still for 10 minutes!

A month of reshoots and a solid editor could probably salvage this thing into a decent character-driven story of how James and Victor started off the same but took increasingly divergent paths as they tried finding their way in a world without mutant exemplars like Xavier and Magneto to guide them.

Well, that's one costume that doesnt' translate good anyway you try it...

Ah, I see we're in the "all criticism must be nerd rage because it's a comic book movie" phase. The "nerd rage" is icing on the shit cake of mistakes this movie made that have nothing to do with comic books.

There's two minor plot points that are really bothering me. 1) Why weren't the adimantium bullets given to Zero from the onset when they sent him to capture wolvie? 2) Wolverine telling gambit that he's "Going to kill everyone," then killing only Deadpool, then Gambit saying "You weren't lying when you said you were gonna kill everyone." Hard to do in a PG-13 rated film.

I Started playing the game and within the fist minute I chopped a dudes legs off and watched him crawl away. This game is brutal violent. Makes you dream of a R wolverine movie. Even with the comics this whole "Let's not kill anyone with the character who has knives for hands" gets old fast. X-force is the only comic that seems to let Wolverine stab shit left and right as you would expect someone with these claws for hands would.

Back to his memory erasing shit, what makes the whole, "I'll shoot him in his memories with magic bullets!" thing even more ridiculous? That, as per the, "ok now erase his memories" dialogue right after the adamantium bonding process, they must have already possessed a non-bullet related way of erasing memories in that facility. So, why the fuck not use that, if they've already bothered to set up the possibility. It removes the obvious ridiculousness of the magic bullets, the gaping plot hole of sending the mutant whose power it is to shoot guns real good after Wolverine without the bullets that could damage him, and the smaller but still annoying plot hole of Wolverine not having those bullet holes in his skull later in life.

Well, At least I liked Gambit in what little he was actually in the film..

This movie was really just incredibly awful. And so much of the dialogue just didn't even make sense. Why does Zero try and pin his killing of those two kindly old cliches on Wolverine? He has already been specifically ordered to kill him, so it's not like he needed to do that to justify it. And it's never brought up again. And why does fake-but-really-not-fake-girlfriend-mutant's power not work on Sabertooth? Fuck, I don't know, I guess because if it did the plot wouldn't be able to advance or something.

The whole mess was just incredibly lazy and incoherent. Does anyone know why pre-Deadpool Wade has the mutant power to spin his swords really fast and enter bullet time to deflect bullets? Also, this movie's take on the origin of Deadpool's name was hilariously stupid and forced. I've said it before and I'll say it again, you take the character who's whole handle is "Merc with a mouth" and you sew his mouth shut? How the fuck does that make any fuckin' sense?

What happened to the deadpool that I loved from the comics. You see, this is a perfect circle. Originally Deadpool was created by Rob Liefeld as a complete rip off character of a DC villian named Death Stroke. His real name is Slade Wilson. Take that and you'll notice that Deadpool's name is Wade Wilson. They both wear the whole mask and play with swords. Yes. He was a completely stolen character.

Only, he was made great when they stopped making him a serious character and just had him throwing out wise crack remarks. That's the Wade I thought Ryan Rynolds would be perfect at. I really hope this dvd comes out with a Deadpool thought bubble commentary.

Don't even get me started on the time frame of this film. X-men came out in 2000. This film is suppose to take place 15 years prior to the first X-men film as Xavier says

"Its been 15 years, hasn't it? You've been wandering around, not knowing who the hell you are?"

Of course, that still doesn't make any goddamn sense; the film supposedly takes place about 6-10 years after the Vietnam War, which would place it in the late 70's... Three Mile Island disaster happened in 1979. Ergo, the bulk of the movie takes place in 1979. The opening of the movie takes place in Canada's Northwest Territories, which, along with Canada, didn't exist until at least ten years after the opening of the movie.

You know what, I'm gonna stop right here. There's no point trying to think about how this fits in properly with the other films, the filmmakers obviously didn't.

Suffice to say, Fuck this film. Company loyalty be damned.

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