Monday, February 8, 2010

If You're Not A Jock, You're Worthless To Society

If You're Not A Jock, You're Worthless To Society

It's two days after "the big game" and by now you've come out of your beer coma or finally came back from rioting in the streets and loading up on all the goodies. Now it's time to come to a realization. Football season is completely over. For many of you, especially raider fans, the season was over a long time ago. For you select few who still grasped on to your league bias you finally don't have anything left but the sad realization that your weekends are no longer sacred.

It's nothing to be too worried about, in only another month or two you have Baseball coming around. So you can drown your problems away with beer as you watch another mind numbing sport. At least you enjoy something that is a sport. It seems that society has this belief that if you're not a jock or into sports, you're worthless to society. How else will you learn any of the life skills needed to make it. As you can see in these ads that have been bombarding my local radio stations lately

Due to a lack of sports I'm basically an uncoordinated nerd. So obviously I think sports are for stupid people.

As someone who grew up never playing sports... *Deep breath* ..... fuck those commercials!

I'll admit that most sports have some benefits. Team sports are good because they teach kids that they can only achieve through collective effort but also that the weak, unfit or different will be shunned. Also that black people are better than you.

There's one more ad that's really a slap in the face. Tell me if you think the chick in this first one's the gal from Harold and Kumar...

Now that you watched the video you should have learned that sports make you better at other things. If the adverts are to be believed, so does military service. Be all you can be, after all. Better enroll now. Yeah, sports might not be for stupid people, but it takes up way, way too much of the American discourse. Especially for college age people because that is literally all they can talk about.

Sports are fun to play sometimes and fun to watch on occasion, but people who treat sports as the most important thing in the world are basically children who have allowed themselves to be lulled to sleep by fancy combative distractions like American football - itself nothing more than a barbaric exercise in war games, serving to dull the American public to the horror of perpetual war.

When the revolution finally comes do you want to have to pause halfway up the capital steps to take a breather, leaning on your flagpole like a crutch while some fitter revolutionary gets the textbook photo money shot of being the first to plant a hammer and sickle atop the dome?I didn't think so. Better give me five laps now!

So what's the message of these ads? That if you've never played any single sport in your life you are literally unable to catch or throw anything. This is important, because literally everything in life has to do with catching or throwing. I'm all for having kids be physically active, but it's not like you turn out to be some mental invalid with no friends if you never play sports.

I know plenty of people who played sports as kids and still didn't turn out very good. I'm also pretty good at catching and throwing things, though my hand/eye coordination I developed as a lad has translated well to first person shooters. I'm not entirely sure the track team had anything to do with that.

Playing a sport consistently is a bit of a luxury, but it's definitely healthy to take some interest in social recreation, competitive or cooperative. But this can literally be anything. Just get out there.

You don't have to push yourself to the limits in a sport that hurts hundreds of kids yearly, destroying their potential future. Just be active in something. This whole ad campaign seems silly. Not to mention it does have some strange sponsors.. Let's take a look at the Corporate Supporters of this movement;

Alignment with the 2008 World Hockey Championships linking product promotion with support for KidSport™ specific to hockey. In addition Henkel commissioned research into current attitudes regarding fair play and hockey and hosted an online essay contest with a prize board. The Henkel approach of aligning KidSport™ with product promotion, major event exposure, research and a strategic communication plan to related industry leaders resulted in extensive brand awareness for KidSport™ for future investors.

It controls leading brands like, Persil[2] washing powder, Spee washing powder, Vernel/Silan fabric softener, Somat/Glist dishwasher tablets, Pril washing-up liquid, Schwarzkopf haircare, Schauma shampoo, Fa shower gel and deodorant, Diadermine skin and body care, Dial shower and hand soap, Loctite and UniBond adhesives and sealants, Pritt glue sticks, Polyseamseal caulk, and Persil abaya shampoo. Henkel's most famous brand is Persil, the first commercial laundry detergent. Before that it was only either soap flakes or actual bars of soap.
You see that? The whole thing was contrived to make kids sweat more to sell more deodorant and laundry detergent. Yes folks, we're through the looking glass now. Prepare yourself for more craziness to come...

I think I'll come up with my own way to teach hand/eye coordination skills as well as life long survivor skills. I'll simply lure people onto my large plot of land and under false pretenses, strip them of clothing and deposit them in the wilderness, and then finally hunt them down with a bowie knife.

It'll be the best sport of all. Just think of all the applications that such an actively will teach. It sure will instill that idea that life is worth enjoying and living.

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