Sunday, February 28, 2010

I'm Defecting To Canada, eh

Talking Aboot Me Defecting To Canada, eh

What am I talking Aboot? You heard me. This is all true. I'm defecting to Canada. I didn't do it to avoid any sort of draft. No, that time hasn't come yet. And I certainly aren't doing it because George Bush won the election. I mean, that was a while ago... No, I'm going for other reasons. Mainly because I don't really see myself being proud to be an American. In a land where more and more our freedom is being taken away... all in the name of keeping us safe from terrorist, I can't really find all that much to be proud of.

Then of course there's the bigger reason. You see, today is the big day. As much as I don't give a fuck about the Olympics, well beside making fun of the whole Curling shit I blogged about a couple of post ago, I do care about one event. Hockey. I'm sort of a Hockey fan.. I mean, what red blooded human wouldn't be? I once saw a fight that broke out into a Hockey game. It's violent and they're doing in three quarters what basketball takes four quarters to do.

Today is the finals. The gold medal game of Hockey and who is playing who? Well, no other than America vs Canada. The rematch that we were all hoping for. America won against Canada earlier in the Olympics and now the lines have clearly been drawn. Whose side will you be on? America, home of a ton of Hockey teams in markets that typically don't have snow conditions to warrant ice skating? Or Canada, the proud nation who celebrates Hockey as if it is their version of Football.

I think the choice is rather easy. GO CANADA! Don't get me wrong, I love the Los Angeles Kings and I catch the games whenever I can. Even though Baseball is my first love in terms of sports, I still have plenty of room for The Kings. But let's face it, Canada made the sport what it is. It's their players that make our teams look great.

But you see, this sort of comes into conflict with me as I am an American citizen and should, by all accounts, be caring about the medal count that America has going. If I were a good patriotic warm blooded American, I should be cheering for America to get another gold medal to brag about. I'm not. I'm bucking the rules. I'm going for Canada and perhaps that means I should turn in my citizenship.

Yes, that's right. I'm going to give up Dunkin' Donuts, even though I've never even tried them, and instead I'll get Tim Horton's, eh. No, I'm not being nuttier than a Tim Horton's Maple log, I think that being Canadian will be really cool. I get to use a Loonie and Toonie, so you Americans using silly dollar bills, you hoosers should just take off, eh!

What exactly is a Hooser? Well, I'm glad you asked. Now that I'm defecting to Canada I should know these things. It's the losers of a Hockey game that wash the rink so that it freezes again and is as smooth as a whistler's behind, eh.

Speaking of which, Hockey.. yeah, that was the point of this whole blog post. I plan on cheering for the Canadian Hockey team. I wish them the best of luck. They should win. It would be like the American teams losing to Korea or the Dominican Republic in baseball. Oh wait, that happens all the time.

But still, GO CANADA! My new Home and native land! I want to be a Canadian so bad that I'll even go to their malls!

So why not join me in my Super Canadian pose as we all go to the mall. Yes, I'll be sporting a Robin Sparkles shirt some time soon. Booyah!

Canadians are generally good matured. That's what I like about them. Maybe it is because they are slow. I have no idea. All I do know is that they're A-Okay in my book. Maybe it is that slowness after all, the one-eyed man in the land of the blind is king.

I like to believe that I'm part Canadian already. Only a real cannuck would be buying a six'er of Molson at CVS at midnight along with a pack of diapers. Yes, that's right. I did that. Why? That's a story for another day, god damn it. The point is that only a true Canadian would be in that situation, eh!

Besides, how could you turn down their maple syrup? It's so much better than the cheap Ms. Buttersworth crap we get here in America. It's not even Syrup, it's just fucking sugar. Fake sugar at that. I don't want no HFCS on my pancakes, eh! You can get those pancakes and take off!

But wait.. I didn't think this all the way through. I hate Canadian Bacon. That shit is NOT bacon. it's lean pig meat cut to look like bacon. But you know what, I have to take one for the team, eh. This also means that I have to really look into getting a Hockey team that is from Canada. The Vancouver Canucks or the Edmonton Oilers sounds about right

But yeah, eh. So here I go, becoming a Canadian citizen. I better learn the theme song;

O Canada! our home and native land!
True patriot-love in all thy sons command.
With glowing hearts we see thee rise,
The True North strong and free!
And stand on guard, O Canada,
We stand on guard for thee.

O Canada, glorious and free!
O Canada, we stand on guard, we stand on guard for thee.
O Canada, we stand on guard for thee.

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