Thursday, June 19, 2008

A Million Little Bootlegs

A MILLION LITTLE BOOTLEGS,2933,364475,00.html

FoxNews Reported:

Associated Press
June 09, 2008
MALAYSIA — Malaysia's plan to use dogs to sniff out pirated DVDs suffered a setback after one of two Labradors trained for the task died of an unknown cause, officials said Monday.

Authorities were investigating the cause of death but did not suspect foul play, said Mohamad Roslan Mahayuddin, an official in the Ministry of Domestic Trade and Consumer Affairs.

"We are quite shocked," he said.

Manny, a year-old male, died May 31. It was trained in Ireland with another Labrador, Paddy, to sniff out a chemical used in manufacturing DVDs. They arrived in Malaysia in February and had been training with police officers and getting used to Malaysia's climate.

Malaysia sought to form the world's first permanent canine anti-piracy unit after borrowing two dogs — Lucky and Flo — from the U.S. Motion Picture Association. They helped Malaysian authorities discover 1.6 million pirated DVDs during a six-month stint last year.

Lucky and Flo's success reportedly caused movie pirates to place a bounty on their heads. The dogs cannot distinguish between real and pirated DVDs, but they point officers to hidden caches of discs.

Mohamad Roslan said Malaysia has not yet decided whether to get a new dog to replace Manny.

Manny and Paddy were donated to Malaysia by the Motion Picture Association.
While we mourn the tragic death of Manny, the NARC crime dog of Bootleg world, we must wonder what sort world we live in that would need the use of dogs trained to sniff out bootlegs dvds? I have to admit that I was not always the upstanding citizen you've come to know and love. I was once a slinger on the street. I brought men together with their entertainment addiction. I was a provider of entertainment. People had needs and someone had to be there to fulfill them.

I'm sure if I was around during prohibition I would have been the cause of at least a half dozen cases of blindness. Thankfully I didn't cause that, not unless it was a Telesync or CAM release of a film. Now I share with you a piece from my upcoming book A Million Little Bootlegs. But please, I've paid my dues, I've done the time. No need to judge me

"I needed some money fast and a guy in a bar handed me a small plastic box. Said all I needed to know was they were 'pleasure disks'. I looked at the door and started to get up but he grabbed my arm. He said I looked hungry. I was, I hadn't eaten in days but he also said he could see in my eyes I was hugnry for change. I salivated somewhere deep inside and told myself sometimes less than real men are still men. I picked up a disk and spun it on my finger watching the light bounce off like a cheap disco ball. The thought of contributing to international terrorism was not enough to dissuade me. I piled them up in a black plastic bag and made my way out to the market; only these streets weren't paved with gold. It didn't take long to pick up a crowd of eager buyers trying to score the latest big release. Less than a tenth of the price of a store with a roof over its head I battled on in the wind and cold until my bones ached more than my heart. I had made some money though; I could eat. As the sun went down I started to pack up my wares. There were hardly any disks left. They had been so popular, but the bag still weighed heavily on my soul and my malnurished skeletal body couldn't handle the weight. Out of the corner of my eye I saw someone come up to me and I paused my work. Looked to be about 5 or 6, good head of hair, healthy gums. The dude asked if I had any Homeward Bound. Told him I only had the sequel but he said it was enough to 'do the job'. His eyes tightened to slits and he let out a wolfish laugh. I get perverts you know, man. But this guy was something else. He literally picks up the disk and holds it to his nose and sniffs it like some japanese panties. I don't care though, I just want the cash. Dirty money is dirty whoever gives you it, be it the mayor, a thief or some dirty dog. Next thing I know everything turns red and blue and I hear sirens. I'm still hungry."

I'm hoping I make it to some sort of book of the month club with it. But only time will tell..

Sunday, June 8, 2008

Man's Tribue To Wile E. Coyote

Man's Tribute To Wile E. Coyote

MSNBC posted:

Man jumps from plane with no parachute, dies

DUANESBURG, N.Y. - A 29-year-old man leaped out of a plane at 10,000 feet with a camera but no parachute Saturday. His body was found next to a house with a damaged roof, police said.

Sloan Carafello of Schenectady, who was observing on the flight, followed an instructor, student and videographer out the door, wearing no skydiving gear, officials said.

Police said they did not suspect foul play but would not elaborate.

Robert Rawlins, pilot and owner of the Duanesburg Skydiving Club, said he was flying the single-engine plane and had begun to close the door when Carafello jumped.

His body was found next to a house west of Albany.

At this point in the article I would put my witty remarks in but after reading that very brief news piece I could not help but laugh my ass off. Especially in the description on where they found him. Are the roofing conditionsof a house is a marking indicator? I'm sure this wasn't the main point of the article but I have to ask. It says he landed next to a house with a damaged roof. Twice is that reference as if he landed 'besides' the house.

I'm going to go out here on a limb and say he not so much landed 'besides' the house as much as he bounced off the roof when he was reintroduced to planet Earth. I wonder at what point this guy realized he was going to become a permanent fixture in someones yard? Perhaps the last thing that went through his mind was "Oh no, not again." Many people have speculated that if we knew exactly why this moron had thought that we would know a lot more about the nature of the universe than we do now.

Till then I'll be simply laughing. And really, I'm not sure why I cracked up when I read this article. Especially that piece about where they found him. Oh damaged roof... Perhaps I'm just a terrible person. I mean, was it that difficult to realize that maybe the roof was damaged because someone bounced off it?

Friday, June 6, 2008

Putting The Love Into Loveseat

Putting the Love into Loveseat

I must admit to you, the reading aduience, I have never had sex with furniture. I'm sure after a couple of drinks..ok, kegs I've considered it. In my moments of weakness a particularly racy standing lamp catches my eye, or I've been drinking harder substances such as paint thinner and I lower my standards to an overstuffed couch, or maybe I'm at that weird furniture shop that sells a chaise lounge that looks exactly like Keeley Hazell.

Come to think of it, the Keeley Lounge might have been part of one of my nightmares. The part right before I realize the thing with no mouth is watching and then... well, let's just say that the alcohol has already calmed me down from the shaking of what those images bring me..

I think it is fair for me to assume that since you are reading this, and by logical conclusion not restrained in a mental hospital, you are also a member of the club that realizes no answer isn't the same thing as "yes" when it comes to our furniture. For the record, no, I'm not counting the time you rubbed up against that chest of drawers and felt funny afterwards. A little credenza frottage never hurt anyone.

Boundaries like "don't have sex with a chair" wouldn't exist if there weren't a handful of pioneers out there willing to take their relationship with Ikea to the next level. Today we salute one such adventurous soul from Bellevue, Ohio, who dared to dream. Who ventured, like icarus, flew up to the sky only to be burned by the sun. Arthur Price then dared to act on that dream and made love to his backyard picnic table.

He likes them round, thin, and rustproofed.
Between January and March of 2008, Arthur was seen by a neighbor having sexual intercourse with the round metal picnic table on his deck. The police found out about this torrid love affair from an anonymous tipster who handed in three DVDs full of the unusual amateur porn. According to the police the DVDs show Price "involved in a sex act in his bedroom" after which he "walks out to his deck, tilts the table on its side and has sex with it."

It sounds like an awkward position, but you go out on your deck with your overweight picnic table and try cow table or ottoman style positions. The physics just aren't there for anything other than classic kneeling umbrella hole position.

When confronted with this overwhelming evidence, Arthur admitted to the acts on the DVDs and also confirmed that he "had sex with the table inside the home."

You have to respect that sort of commitment to the relationship with the picnic table. Things get a little boring, always out on the deck, always in the same position.

A guy like Arthur wants to spice things up, maybe flip the table upside down on the living room floor, roll it down into the basement and get kinky by unscrewing some legs, or just go up to the bedroom and try on different tablecloths. It's that sort of adventurousness that can really keep a relationship exciting. Variety, they say, is the spice of life.

I'm not going to sit here in judgment of Arthur. Quite the opposite, I applaud the amount of effort Arthur went to with his beloved picnic table.

A gentle soul like Arthur probably romanced the table before he took the relationship to the next level. He said the right things, overlooked its rust spots, and complimented its umbrella. He cooked a romantic dinner and then ate it on top of the table. He invited his parents over to have a barbecue with his picnic table. You show me a family that sits at the table these days for at least one meal. Arthur had just about every meal with his table.

Nor is a table the easiest inanimate lover you could choose. Arthur could have picked up any old thermos and made love to that instead. Arthur could have seduced the eyehole of a hockey mask. He could have set his sights low and settled for a microwaved cantaloupe.

Arthur Price, might as well face it you're addicted to lawn ware!.
Arthur did none of these things, he refused to settle. He took his love from the bedrooms to the backyard and he wasn't afraid to do it all in plain sight of his neighbors and their DV cameras. He recreated the picnic experience with a sensual twist.

I know, I know, the "Parents" were worried their "kids" might "see" Arthur consummate his love with the table. I argue that kids need to learn about the birds and the patio-ware sooner or later, but okay, I'll concede the point that kids shouldn't watch a man explore the eroticism of his backyard furniture. So why did the snooping neighbors record three DVDs before they handed them over to the cops? Were they just fans of his work? Were they going to start their own website? Three DVDs is a lot of material.

Maybe it isn't Arthur Price that is the problem. Maybe we're the problem. We aren't on the inside looking out, we're on the outside looking in, watching a man share his passion with a table. We're recording three DVDs and then turning them over to the cops. While Arthur is out there risking the elements and a case of the ants, we're in our homes peering at him with scorn.

Arthur faces four counts of public indecency. When he enters the courtroom he is supposed to be judged by a "jury of his peers". I humbly suggest that Arthur Price is peerless.

May his days in prison be filled with Home Depot catalogs. May the guards forget to bolt his bunk bed to the floor.