Friday, August 31, 2012
Republican National Convention
So here we are at the end of the week of the Republican National Convention and I have to say, I seriously need some sort of heavy drug to deal with even listening to very little of it. Hell, even that makes me violently ill and causes me to spew up my lunch.
In short, the Republicans are completely full of shit. Monday's stuff got cancelled because of rain. Which was good for me because I forgot all about them. Though it did mean that the Daily Show was just another repeat.
Here's a fun game. Take a drink every time a candidate says an actual good thing about another candidate in order to attack them for not being crazy right-wing enough....
You can also smoke a bowl every time someone implies or outright states Obama was not born in America
Tuesday night showed Ann Romeny jerking off her husband in public. Chris Christie and Rick Santorum. You know, that frothy guy. The highlight in that was Christie starting his 2016 campaign now. "Hey folks, lemme tell you the great deeds I've done massacring teachers and public employees in the great state of Fuckbreath.. Oh yeah, I guess this Willard guy's okay too, Vote for him if you must."
Personally, the masochist in me can't wait for another Ronald Reagan tribute.
During the convention Obama went on Reddit and had a Q/A with them. In response, Mitt Romney held a Q/A on 4Chan. Ron Paul, since not being invited to the convention, holds a Q/A on Something Awful since he likes the cost of entrance.
Last night was Mitt's turn to go up and mysterious guest speaker Clint Eastwood. Remember that superbowl ad about Detroit and car companies he announced and they said he was some democrat sort of pandering to the liberal left? Yeeeeeah. What happened to you, Clint. You used to be cool?
Anyhow, my goodness - Mitt - Fuuuck.
Yup, drunk. They were talking about olympic medals the US won and whoever the fuck was talking ( i dont know, it's on downstairs i can't stomach this shit) said "more than even china" and i sort of felt my gorge rise out of nowhere even for something oh goody the actual words "American exceptionalism" used positively I couldn't take that shit anymore
Oh man. yeah, I had to stop watching this as I was going to vomit and I was clearly not high enough to deal with it. Anyone have enough mood stabilizing medication to get me through all this?
Thursday, August 30, 2012
All The President's Reddits
On May 9th, 1970 at 4am, Richard Nixon got up and went on a very rare visit down to the Lincoln Monument and talked to Anit-war Protestors.
While this isn't nearly as impressive, President Obama went on Reddit and decided to ask a bunch of internet morons a few questions. And while everyone of the following questions could have been made by a chatbot with a db of speeches and a once over to insert a few typos like the inconsistent capitalisation to disguise the fact, here are the questions that he answered;
As you can see... nothing was hard hitting or even remotely past the PR basics. You really should have seen some better questions. You know, like Dear Mr. President how do you feel about MRA, sexual harassment, Ron Paul, and MLP.
QUESTION: Are you considering increasing funds to the space program?
OBAMA: Making sure we stay at the forefront of space exploration is a big priority for my administration. The passing of Neil Armstrong this week is a reminder of the inspiration and wonder that our space program has provided in the past; the curiosity probe on mars is a reminder of what remains to be discovered. The key is to make sure that we invest in cutting edge research that can take us to the next level - so even as we continue work with the international space station, we are focused on a potential mission to a asteroid as a prelude to a manned Mars flight.
QUESTION: We know how Republicans feel about protecting Internet Freedom. Is Internet Freedom an issue you'd push to add to the Democratic Party's 2012 platform?
OBAMA: Internet freedom is something I know you all care passionately about; I do too. We will fight hard to make sure that the internet remains the open forum for everybody - from those who are expressing an idea to those to want to start a business. And although there will be occasional disagreements on the details of various legislative proposals, I won't stray from that principle - and it will be reflected in the platform.
QUESTION: Who's your favourite Basketball player?
OBAMA: Jordan - I'm a Bulls guy.
QUESTION: How are you going help small businesses in 2013 and 2014? and what if any bills are you going to implement for small businesses, in 2013, and 2014?
OBAMA: We've really focused on this since I came into office - 18 tax cuts for small business, easier funding from the SBA. Going forward, I want to keep taxes low for the 98 percent of small businesses that have $250,000 or less in income, make it easier for small business to access financing, and expand their opportunities to export. And we will be implementing the Jobs Act bill that I signed that will make it easier for startups to access crowd-funding and reduce their tax burden at the start-up stage.
QUESTION: What is the first thing you'll do on November 7th, win or lose?
OBAMA: Win or lose, I'll be thanking everybody who is working so hard - especially all the volunteers in field offices all across the country, and the amazing young people in our campaign offices.
QUESTION: What was the most difficult decision that you had to make during this term?
OBAMA: The decision to surge our forces in afghanistan. Any time you send our brave men and women into battle, you know that not everyone will come home safely, and that necessarily weighs heavily on you. The decision did help us blunt the taliban's momentum, and is allowing us to transition to afghan lead - so we will have recovered that surge at the end of this month, and will end the war at the end of 2014. But knowing of the heroes that have fallen is something you never forget.
QUESTION: What are you going to do to end the corrupting influence of money in politics during your second term?
OBAMA: Money has always been a factor in politics, but we are seeing something new in the no-holds barred flow of seven and eight figure checks, most undisclosed, into super-PACs; they fundamentally threaten to overwhelm the political process over the long run and drown out the voices of ordinary citizens. We need to start with passing the Disclose Act that is already written and been sponsored in Congress - to at least force disclosure of who is giving to who. We should also pass legislation prohibiting the bundling of campaign contributions from lobbyists. Over the longer term, I think we need to seriously consider mobilizing a constitutional amendment process to overturn Citizens United (assuming the Supreme Court doesn't revisit it). Even if the amendment process falls short, it can shine a spotlight of the super-PAC phenomenon and help apply pressure for change.
QUESTION: What's the recipe for the White House's beer?
OBAMA: It will be out soon! I can tell from first hand experience, it is tasty.
QUESTION: I am recent law school graduate. Despite graduating from a top school, I find myself unemployed with a large student loan debt burden. While I'm sure my immediate prospects will improve in time, it's difficult to be optimistic about the future knowing that my ability to live a productive life -- to have a fulfilling career, to buy a house, to someday raise a family -- is hampered by my debt and the bleak economic outlook for young people. I know that I'm not alone in feeling this way. Many of us are demoralized. Your 2008 campaign was successful in large part due to the efforts of younger demographics. We worked for you, we campaigned for you, and we turned out in record numbers to vote for you. What can I say to encourage those in similar situations as I am to show up again in November? What hope can you offer us for your second term?
OBAMA: I understand how tough it is out there for recent grads. You're right - your long term prospects are great, but that doesn't help in the short term. Obviously some of the steps we have taken already help young people at the start of their careers. Because of the health care bill, you can stay on your parent's plan until you're twenty six. Because of our student loan bill, we are lowering the debt burdens that young people have to carry. But the key for your future, and all our futures, is an economy that is growing and creating solid middle class jobs - and that's why the choice in this election is so important. The other party has two ideas for growth - more taxs cuts for the wealthy (paid for by raising tax burdens on the middle class and gutting investments like education) and getting rid of regulations we've put in place to control the excesses on wall street and help consumers. These ideas have been tried, they didnt work, and will make the economy worse. I want to keep promoting advanced manufacturing that will bring jobs back to America, promote all-American energy sources (including wind and solar), keep investing in education and make college more affordable, rebuild our infrastructure, invest in science, and reduce our deficit in a balanced way with prudent spending cuts and higher taxes on folks making more than $250,000/year. I don't promise that this will solve all our immediate economic challenges, but my plans will lay the foundation for long term growth for your generation, and for generations to follow. So don't be discouraged - we didn't get into this fix overnight, and we won't get out overnight, but we are making progress and with your help will make more.
QUESTION: How do you balance family life and hobbies with, well, being the POTUS?
OBAMA: It's hard - truthfully the main thing other than work is just making sure that I'm spending enough time with michelle and the girls. The big advantage I have is that I live above the store - so I have no commute! So we make sure that when I'm in DC I never miss dinner with them at 6:30 pm - even if I have to go back down to the Oval for work later in the evening. I do work out every morning as well, and try to get a basketball or golf game in on the weekends just to get out of the bubble. Speaking of balance, though, I need to get going so I'm back in DC in time for dinner. But I want to thank everybody at reddit for participating - this is an example of how technology and the internet can empower the sorts of conversations that strengthen our democracy over the long run. AND REMEMBER TO VOTE IN NOVEMBER - if you need to know how to register, go to Gottaregister.com. By the way, if you want to know what I think about this whole reddit experience - NOT BAD!
I would say I wish Obama wouldn't waste his time on Reddit and actually get work done, but I'm not sure if I want that either. I just wonder if someone was smart enough to Goatse him.
I'm surprised that "Mr President, Why won't girls date me?" and "Mr. President, have you considered how dapper you'd look in a fedora?" weren't questions to be asked. It would be far too much for this to be asked;
President Obama, when you were running the Harvard law review, did you figure out a way to legally extra-judiciously robot-murder American citizens or did you count on an unpaid army of sycophants defending your every action?
Instead we got "Mr. President, how could you sleep at night knowing Slenderman is out there? or Yo Obama, got any good PUA moves I could bust out? How exactly is your game?
We saw him basically answer the most basic lowball shit. I'd just assume they were plants if Redditors weren't so stupid anyway. Here's my reactions to his statements.
Q: Space Program????Everyone knows that the hardest decision Obama has ever made was whether to bomb a wedding before or after a game of b-ball out back. Or maybe the hardest decision Obama made was whether to choose from stuffing or potatoes
A: Bullshit and Mourning for Armstrong
Q: I can't get a job!
A: Bullshit / At least you've still got your parents' insurance thanks to obamacare
Q: Internet Freedom???
A: Yes (Lie.)
Q: What about money in politics?
A: Something eventually, maybe (Lie.)
Q: Nonsense about sports and family life
A: Generic nothing answers
Q: Your hardest decision?
A: Sending troops to die (lol)
You do know that the Redditors wanted to buy their own island, right? The idea was to just pool the money together and buy a small island where they can get away from society. So maybe the best question that they could have asked - or at least the first transmission could have been;
Mr. President here is a message that hopefully reaches you we dont know if our satellite internet will hold out please
please save us we are on an island and we have no food or water and we----
At that moment an Air Force officer runs into the oval office
"Mr. President, here are the coordinates of that transmission from the Redditors personal island."
That night, the president closed his laptop, pointed Bo to his kennel, and made a steaming cup of cocoa before going to bed. A single marshmallow floated in it.
Meanwhile, Vice President Biden awoke with a sudden mixture of elation and terror. He pinched his brow and went back to sleep, dreaming of Credit card scanners that chewed a piece of flesh off at a time. He smiled a boyish smile.
Over in the tropical island, the redditor residents begin burning Ayn Rand books to survive the bitter cold front that suddenly appears. They realize that the books are as toxic in their lungs as they are in a literary sense.
Soon after they hear a plane zooming past getting closer and closer and a single missile drops and launches from the wing....
You see, Reddit Island would basically be my real life fantasy island because my fantasy is for all those people to die.
Wednesday, August 29, 2012
Hold Me Closer Tiny Fuppet
I just sort of had to share this amazing little find of Fuppets.. yeah, that's right. Why don't you meet the Fuppets?
But who is behind The Fuppets? Why, let's meet the creator...
Which, if you ask me, is one of the best ones around. Holy shit I was dying from the laughter.
"hello tummi i'd like you to meet my friend.... GARCLIFF"
They also sing, as you can see in "A modest wish"
halt your tearflow
What's that? The Fuppets are just a cheap ripoff?! Wait, how dare you even suggest that
You could tell who really is the rip off artist
Time for Summer fun!
Tuesday, August 28, 2012
Who Still Needs Some Olympic Frenzy?
Cause guess what - There's always the Paralympics! Yes, the true test of human willpower. To not only come from a normal upbringing and be a powerhouse in some field - but to have a handicap and be able to come back from even that.
Since the Olympics were pretty fun to watch, it's sure as hell time for the Paralympics to roll in. Where should I watch it on....
- United Kingdom: Channel 4 will broadcast the Games, with over 150 hours of television coverage. The IPC stated that its coverage would be "the most extensive coverage of the Paralympic Games that has ever been broadcast in the UK."
- Australia: The Australian Broadcasting Corporation will broadcast the 2012 Paralympics across Australia 
- Brazil: Rede Globo and Sportv will be the exclusive all rights holders 
- Canada: The current "Olympic Broadcast Media Consortium" (comprised of Bell Media's CTV Television Network, TSN2, and French-language RDS; as well as Rogers Media'sSportsnet One) will provide coverage. CTV and RDS are both expected to broadcast an one-hour highlights program on television each evening, and the Opening and Closing Ceremonies will be covered on television by TSN2, Sportsnet One, RDS, and RDS2. Four online streams will provide 580 hours of live coverage.
- Europe: European Broadcasting Union.
- France: TV8 Mont-Blanc will broadcast the Games with 77 hours of television coverage.
- Germany: ARD and ZDF will broadcast the Games, with approximately 65 hours of television coverage.
- Italy: Sky Italia, the Italian digital subscription channel.
- Japan: NHK (Japan Broadcasting Corporation).
- South Korea: Korean Broadcasting System (KBS).
- Thailand: Thailand Pool TV, a consortium of well-established broadcasters in Thailand.
- USA: No television channels in the USA will broadcast the 2012 Paralympics. NBC broadcast 5,535 hours of television and online coverage of the 2012 Olympics.
They spend over 2/3rds of a year worth of Olympics and not one fucking second of it will be for the Paralympics. That's some fucking dick move right there. Even in my most cynical moment I assumed that NBC would have some coverage, if only because those little TEAM USA shorts they did on the major contenders seemed perfectly geared for the inspirational porn that would come flowing out of these contenders.
You would really think that the Paralympics would be the greatest 'Bootstraps' marathon for the American media. But I guess the catch there is if you show them, then you're required to consider disabled people as human beings. My bad
It's really disgusting and I have to say that I feel so bad for all the athletes competing for their country, you know, being kicked to the fucking curb and told that they don't matter for shit by it.
Monday, August 27, 2012
I'm getting pretty tired of people always asking me if I watch 30 rock and when I tell them no, I don't really care for it they follow up with "Why not?! It's funny!"
Listen, I don't enjoy the show and I don't find Liz Lemon to be some comedic geneius. I didn't give a shit about her when she was on SNL and her comedy style just doesn't appeal to me in the slightest.
my beef with 30 rock is that generally liz has a problem, and she goes to jack for help, then jack presents some awful patriarchal pig headed thing as a solution and liz is like "ugh jack! you're so pig headed and misogynistic! that's not how things work!" and then she goes and tries it her way and it doesn't work and then she tries it jack's way and then everything works out. so jack is presented as being awful except he's always objectively right within the framework of the show. so clearly he's worthy of respect within that framework.
Sunday, August 26, 2012
Venting Frustration For the Economy
So there's this guy who is doing a thing during this tough economic situation...
On paper it's really a smart idea. I mean, it's pretty clear that the middle class is disappearing and the poverty rate is going sky high. So why not offer the chance to the rich to yell at the poor. They've been doing nothing but fucking them over left and right all over the place. I can see it now...
HEY. HEY YOU PIECE OF SHIT. HEY. YOU SPELLED ECONOMY WRONG. GET A JOB
When you think about it, the really rich really bent over the working class and took them to the bank, literally, and told them that they too can get the American dream of home ownership at this low cost interest rate that eventually ballooned up far past they were even able to pay.
Not saying that no blame should go to them for taking a loan they had no ability to ever pay back, but I am saying that predatory actions were had by these folks. It's as if they realized the economy wasn't cranking out enough money for them to take it away - heaven forbid we raise the taxes on rich folks either because of the illusion that one day you too can be rich, would you want your taxes to be raised?! I think not.
So they went after them the only way they could - through the promise of owning a home. The one aspect that the middle class had much of an investment in anymore. And they fucked them good.
So go ahead, yell at the poor some more. The revolution is coming... I hope. Let's see who's back is against the wall first.
Saturday, August 25, 2012
Going Back To The Homeland
As the new season of Showtime shows approaches closer, we start to see teasers for them. Today I'll focus on one show that really blew me away in a method that 24 hadn't since its early days. HOMELAND
A show that stars Damian Lewis as Nicolas Brody, a sniper solider that was captured and turned into a terrorist and Claire Danes as Carrie Mathison, an CIA agent who has her doubts about Brody and sort of gets really obsessed with him and trying to uncover his true motives. Here's the teaser for the second season.
The song selection is spot on. If you didn't know, it's a cover of The Police song "Every Breath You Take." by Scala and Kolancy Brothers. The song, strangely enough turned into some sort of ballad of undying love even though when it was written, it was a tale of obsessive stalking. At some point even Sting stopped trying to correct that and just rolled with the love aspect of it.
But because of this, the song is perfect for the teaser of the show considering the relationship between Carrie and Brody.
The show does a great job at presenting both the positive and negative aspects of religion. It shows how it can be a great source of comfort for the individual in how Brody adopted it and used it to stay sane throughout his ordeal, and also it can be abused to manipulate people into doing evil with Abu Nazir using Brody the way he did. It just happens to be the Muslim religion in this case because that's what the circumstances of the particular story demanded it to be.
Other than that, it really painted the whole Muslim faith in a more progressive manner and from the look and feel of that trailer things are going to take a really tragic turn. This is definitely a binge-watch type of show for me so I'll have to wait until December, and that is agonising.
When season 1 ended I was worried about how they were going to top it. It had a lot of suspense and it made you question who you thought was on who's side. The ending was absolutely one of the best moments of television, but it seems that the season 2 trailer makes this season look really good. So no worries here.
Friday, August 24, 2012
Even Animals Somber
Every so often I grew a big wet one and become a huge softy. In this case with what happened in losing a close family member recently, this picture just sort of stabbed me in the heart;
Not sure what can be said, really, that hasn't been said already. This is just heart warming and heart wrenching at the same time. I guess I just don't have the words since I'm still just.. dealing with it.
Thursday, August 23, 2012
Doing it Ganghan Style
If by now you haven't seen this music video from Korea, let me just pull the long waited bandage off and show you.
Now how about it live?!
Now how about a female-esque version?
Now how about a different song that is to cheer for South Korea?
Carry on with your day.
Wednesday, August 22, 2012
Marriage - It'll Drive You To Drinking
Love and marriage... and alcohol. Apparently research shows that married women tend to drink more than single women
Researchers at the University of Cincinnati have found that married women tend to drink more than single women, widows, or divorcees.
Meanwhile, married men tend to drink less than their single or divorced friends.
In fact, divorced men tended to drink the most, while divorced women actually drank less than their married counterparts. So naturally, the researchers blamed the men.
"Our qualitative results suggest this occurs because men introduce and prompt women’s drinking, and because divorced women lose the influence of men’s alcohol use upon dissolution," they wrote. Meanwhile, marriage (and perhaps the wife/children influence) tends to lower the husband's drinking rate.
The researchers suggest that marriage can promote good health, especially since past research found that married people tended to eat healtheir as well. Overall, married couples drank less than single or divorced people, although we can imagine how a good glass of wine or two could be necessary with some bratty teens around.
I guess I shouldn't be surprised by the fact that they are blaming the husband for the wife drinking more. Instead of buddies to go drinking with, he sort of has to drag her out to bars, which increase her intake.
This isn't to suggest that being married sucks so badly for women that they have to drink themselves to stupidity, it just means that the chances of drinking are more present and the lack of need in worrying about their figure so much is tossed out the window. So beer gut city, here you come!
But again, I'm surprised that the man's drink consumption goes down some. But hey, this shouldn't be considered a terrible thing. I mean, it's not all for nothing. This could actually be a good thing if you channel that correctly. Did you know that Red Wine increases a woman's sexual desire
Researchers concluded that levels of sexual desire were higher in women who were moderate drinkers of red wine than in their counterparts who preferred other alcoholic drinks, or were teetotal.
One theory put forward by the team of Italian doctors who carried out the study is that chemical compounds found in red wine may improve sexual functioning by increasing blood flow to key areas of the body.
The researchers said: "While this finding needs to be interpreted with some caution, it nevertheless suggests a potential relationship between red wine consumption and better sexuality."
In the project, described as the first to examine red wine intake and women's sexual function, doctors at the University of Florence recruited 800 women aged 18 to 50. The women, none of whom had reported a sexual health problem, were split into three groups – those who regularly consumed one or two glasses of red wine a day, those who consumed less than one glass a day of any sort of wine or other alcohol, and those who were teetotal.
Women who drank more than two glasses a day were excluded from the study to avoid the possible confounding effects of drunkenness.
So there you go. Women will drink more and they will get more aroused. Not completely sloshed - because what good is it for a man to have to babysit his new wife and hold her hair? So yes.. enjoy one or two glasses of wine. What's the worse that could happen?
Tuesday, August 21, 2012
Golden Parachute for Goldman
So... this happened over the weekend. Not to ruin your weekend, but the Department of Justice will NOT prosecute Goldman Sachs in the Financial Crisis Probe
The Justice Department has decided it will not prosecute Goldman Sachs or its employees for their role in the financial crisis, following an investigation by senators Carl Levin (D-MI) and Tom Coburn (R-OK). The congressional investigation found problems with the credit rating agencies and poor oversight from regulators, and highlighted abuses by Goldman Sachs and other large investment banks. Senator Levin sent a formal referral to the Justice Department for a criminal investigation in April 2011.
The investigative report by the Senate's Permanent Subcommittee on Investigations, chaired by Levin, found that Goldman Sachs "used net short positions to benefit from the downturn in the mortgage market, and designed, marketed, and sold CDOs in ways that created conflicts of interest with the firm's clients and at times led to the bank's profiting from the same products that caused substantial losses for its clients."
A statement from the Justice Department issued late on Thursday evening noted, "Based on the law and evidence as they exist at this time, there is not a viable basis to bring a criminal prosecution with respect to Goldman Sachs or its employees in regard to the allegations set forth in the report."
Why isn't there pikes on all corners of America with these fuckers heads on them yet? I just don't get you American public. It's like you don't care about the real issues and would rather harp on about stupid shit.
Why yes, as a nation we all follow capital to the ends of the earth. Sadly, it's not for the reasons of shoving it off, as one would hope it was. Forget every trying to pin a crime on these fellas. It's just not going to happen, sadly.
We are, however, looking for a 24 year old black male sighted near a bank once.
Monday, August 20, 2012
Bobby - 49
When you're 72, you don't kid about death. Death is right there; It's sort of hovering near your shoulder like a salivating fanboy at a Star Trek convention.... It's just out of eye-shot, but you know it's there."While 49 may not be 72, it's a constant reminder that Death is Certain. I would toss in Taxes into that mixture, but Mitt Romney's proving that those aren't all that certain. But to avoid politics for a brief moment, I have some very personal word vomiting to spew.
- Harlan Ellison
At around 11pm on Friday my Uncle, a man who was snarky, comical and a great man was walking down from the Hollywood bowl, where he just finished enjoying the Juana's with friends and suffered from a massive heart attack.
Many attempts to restart his heart were made on location and all the way to the emergency unit. A few of them were successful in getting it to work, but only for a short while before he would red line and they would have to continue to attempt to revive him.
He passed away at 6am on Saturday.
I am sad because of this news. For many years Bobby was not only my uncle but my neighbor. We would shoot the breeze and while I'm sure I could have delved into his personal life more, it wasn't ever really needed. You knew what you were going to know about him by just talking to him. He was pretty blunt and snarky.
The man loved his concerts. He'd always be found at a free show or any concert ranging from Jazz to rock to, well just about anything. He loved music. Every year seemed to find him at the Wrap tour and he'd be wearing converse.
The man also enjoyed movies. Yet he didn't like paying the high price that theaters charge now a days. I don't blame him. But he never missed a chance to catch something at the dollar theater, or as it's common now, the three buck theater. Was always on top of new movie and music news and even in his 40's, still listened to KROQ.
He took me to a lot of my first. First raiders game. Hell, he was a huge Raiders fan. Though he wasn't one of those typical Raider hooligan fans. But that first game he took young me was probably the bloodiest thing I have ever been to at the young age.
He was a realist. I guess, just a couple of weeks ago he mentioned that he heard a quote in Ricardo Montoya play about how no matter how famous you are, you'll eventually end up in Boyle Heights. Being that the coroners office is located there for Los Angeles.
Sure enough now he's there to see how a 49 year old suffers a heart attack, as it's just a tad bit young for that sort of thing.
I guess it doesn't come to a surprise as the man loved his pastrami sandwiches. His stance was enjoy it while you can. He used to joke about how he would eat a chili dog every now and then cause he didn't want to be the person who eventually ate greasy food once and died from it after living life eating healthy.
That's the one thing I take away from all this. He died on his terms and he died in the way that most people only hope to. Around friends, having been entertained and once the heart attack hit, he was out. So he didn't suffer.
Life is brief. Kinda makes you stop and think about if you're enjoying it.
Rest in peace, Robert.
Sunday, August 19, 2012
Cooking During Economic Hardship
Times are tough. Real tough. Money is tight and work isn't as steady for many. That's why when you're cooking during economic hardships it's very important that you maintain some sort of respect with what you're making.
It's pretty clear that in our economy, everyone is making every table scrap count and making every value meal from Jack in the Box count. So hey, why not look to the most fruggle of people to find exactly how to survive during the worse of times.. The Holocaust Survivor Coookbook And by purchasing the most important cookbook you'll ever own will:
Raise money to feed the poor in Israel
Raise money for Jewish Organization all over the world
Preserve great Jewish Recipes
Keep the stories of Holocaust Survivors alive for generations to come
Help us reach our goal of selling 6 million cookbooks world wide
Over 250 mouth-watering Jewish recipes
129 amazing and miraculous stories of courage and survival
Recipes your family will enjoy, stories they will never forget
All profits from every cookbook sold will be donated to the Carmei Ha’ir Soup Kitchen in Jerusalem to help feed hungry Israelis.
What it sounds like is that it's just a cookbook with holocaust survival stories interspersed throughout it. Which isn't a bad thing, by any stretch of the imagination. But isn't what it sounds like the title makes it sound like. Besides, that's going to be a shit load of hummus recipes.
While you can help them reach their goals of selling 6 million cookbooks world wide, you would think that Jews would have no shortage of money to spare in cooking nothing but the best pickled fish and corned beef.
It sort of makes you wonder if there's a potato famine survivor cookbook. I mean, I know nothing wets the palate like... holocaust survival stories, but maybe I'll pass on that for now. Not to mention that everyone knows the recipes to the potato famine cookbook. It's you cook children and eat them.
But perhaps we should get on to actual tips for the potential economic downturn. How about cooking on food stamps tips and tricks. You have to wonder exactly how does one cook with just $81 a month, which is the maximum awarded to a single male in Chicago. As far as I know, you can buy pre-made sub sandwiches or little debbie snack cakes. So I guess you can keep from starving with those for a while.
You do have to factor in that you can't buy beer with food stamps. That doesn't mean you can't buy all of the ingredients to make your own beer with it. Eh, see what I'm doing there? You gotta improvise some times.
Or you could just sell the foodstamps for cash and buy weed. You'll get lower than street value, but at the same time if you sell the weed for higher prices and repeat this cycle - then you got yourself some money generating income, boy!
Factor in that your average prisoner is able to get by on 3 meals a day for just $1 in tax payers. Then realize that prison food doesn't look THAT bad. Especially not worse than NO food. Get what I'm sayin, braw.
Okay, I'll get on with actual advice. If you can scrape up a good $15 for a cheap rice cooker, you'll have your starchy carb situation completely taken care of.
Another helpful tidbit would be to watch sales and clip coupons. Especially for shit like fresh fruit, veggies, meat and brand name crap you can't stand to go generic on. Get a shopper's club card at your local store and don't buy anything if it's not discounted by a coupon or the club card. In fact, never pay full retail for anything.
But also remember that just because it's cheap isn't a reason to buy it. If it's so poor quality that it tastes like shit, you've just tossed away the money you spent on it anyway. You should also get a freezer-ready storage bin for soup/chili/crockpot leftovers as that will help you a lot in making big pots of things all at once. You don't want to throw away leftovers on that kind of food budget.
You should also start planning your meals. This helps you keep a budget when you go shopping, even if it's only over the next week. Make a list and stick to it. Not to mention that this will help you a whole lot when it comes to an actual diet.
One major thing to consider and to make sure you have is spices. They don't cost a lot, more than likely around $1 or so and will make even your horrible cooking edible. Salt, pepper, salt substitute, garlic powder, onion bits. All these things are really cheap and will turn a generic meal into something that taste amazing.
Since I'm going to milk this topic for at least another few updates - you know, given that I'm away for the next couple of days enjoying some time up in Northern California, I'll just leave it at this for now.
Saturday, August 18, 2012
The American Dream - The American Nightmare
Let's take a moment to talk about the American dream. You know, that one of having a picket fence and a dog outside that home you just bought... the sad reality is that it's going to be something like this...
My goodness, I can never do these hidden images things. I give up, can anyone tell me where IS Waldo? This image is giving me a nasty case of vertigo. I mean, who wouldn't suffer some sort of illness if you were stuck in a death maze like that American dream? You know, home ownership! Isn't it grand?
The truth of the matter is that a track home layout like this is probably all empty at this moment and 80% of them are owned by the banks.
But even if there was actually people living in this sort of town, you have to wonder if people even walk around suburbs like this? I have a feeling that anyone who would attempt such a feat would get hopelessly lost. I guess that's why you drive everywhere in communities like this. Absolutely no one would be caught walking in a place like this.
In fact, it's so not friendly to pedestrians that walking at all is a suspicious activity. You will literally get stares and weird looks from people driving by if you're walking in a place like that without a dog - Sometimes even if you do have one. In a way I'm surprised they even bothered with footpaths in the construction blueprints. Then again, if they didn't then that would probably have ruined the value, or the perceived value.
I have cousins who, after living in Los Angeles for most of their lives, got moved into a community like this of track homes and now they seem to have had their social skills ripped from them as they don't typically like the outside world. I'm going to just blame it on the fact that you can't go outside of a house like that in the suburbs. It just doesn't happen.
And I saw and behold a pale horse. And his name that sat on him was debt. And Austerity followed with him. Thousand whisper of a low refinance rate.
Friday, August 17, 2012
Whiskey Gone Bad
In this edition of booze talk I'm going to get into something that we all fear - booze gone bad. Yes, it's the one thing that I often hear when people complain about a spirit, wine or beer that is not tasting the way *they* wish it to taste and just assume that it has gone bad.
In the case of Whiskey, the moment you open that bottle is the moment the flavors start to change. It's oxidization. It's not a bad thing, and for the most part your Whiskey will stay good for a long time. You should just mind the bottle you're keeping it in. If it's only a little bit left in that bottle, perhaps you should just kill it - or just change it into a different, more smaller container.
As for wine. The term you often hear is it being corked. That's when opened, is bad. Oh so bad. But what exactly causes it? Well, corked wine is wine that has been spoiled by TCA. It has nothing to do with the flavor of the cork - uncontaminated cork has no TCA taint. Typically the taint is from the cork in the bottle, though to some extent TCA can be transferred through the cork from barrels, in transport, or at some other time.
TCA is a metabolite of TCP, a common fungicide. There are a wide variety of bacteria - including Botrytis Cinerea, typically quite desired in certain sweet wines, and then the fungi which can metabolize chlorinated phenolic compounds into anisole derivatives like TCA. But wine which is overly oxidized before its time would be described as prematurely oxidized, or premoxed. This is a big problem with White Burgundy right now, but people aren't exactly sure of the cause.
Prematurely oxidized wines have an almost sherry like character. Often premoxed wine will be so due to air leakage as Wormil suggested, but it's often more complex than that, and is a long term result of some complex of factors between racking, aging, stirring, time on lees, barrel treatment,bottling style, sulfur levels, &etc.
Skunked beer is beer that has been hit by the power of the sun. Leave a beer in the sun for a while and the chemicals inside will break down and make the beer smell like... well, a skunk. You can combat this by buying beer that comes in a dark bottle. Clear bottles are far more easier to get tainted by the sun. So be warned.
That's a good primer for now.
Thursday, August 16, 2012
Are You A Bad Enough Dude... Fuck That, Presidents Should Be Bad Dudes!
With the election not too far off now, we're starting to see a lot of ad campaigns from Mitt and Obama in telling us why they should be the president. Well, how about if they told us why they're bad ass enough to do the job of leading the number 1 nation in the world! WOOOO
Quiz time: WHATS MORE AMERICAN THAN THIS??? Answer: NOTHING.
Once I become President of the universe I will design something this awesome for my seal, until this happens, I figure America could use that. Maybe some new Presidential candidate will adopt this design. Get this as a poster and impress your friends with your love for 'Merica.
But here are all the presidents men being complete bad asses.
George Washington was known for many things...Being a great general, Having wooden dentures (Okay they weren't really wooden, Cutting down the cherry tree, and being nicknamed the Destroyer of Villages. But what many don't know is he was an avid Zombie Hunter, this is a print of one of his many adventures out into the night to give some Liberty and Justice to all. So show your love for America,and the most awesomest president ever.
You don't fuck with the gipper. You think that he tore down that Berlin wall with anything less than by riding a raptor into it? Fuck you, everyone. The gipper scores one for the badass awards by letting loose the mentally unfit into the streets.
Then again, Reagan with a soviet RPG on his back? I guess my immersion is on vacation right now as well.
I don't know what else to say about this bad ass picture that the picture doesn't say already. We didn't ride on a robotic horse on the moon because it was easy. We rode it on the moon because it was hard! Now take your best shot, mother fuckers!
It's clear that he emancipated that bear's ass and is riding that mofo into the land of a slavery free nation. Fuck you, the south. You ain't riding no bear.
In the year 2055 the world was invaded, humanity sat on the brink of destruction the world governments united and sent agents back in time to get the best general we'd ever known...Andrew Jackson and throughout his life he did a lot of cool shit, dueled people...a lot which is how he ended up with a musket ball in his chest pretty much exactly like Tony Stark.Went to war, gambled, etc etc .
This is a war portrait as he stands victorious in yet another battle. But to be fair, you do need someone to fight a genocidal war against another race and Andrew Jackson is probably a safe bet.
Though I can also think of 43 other presidents who were pretty good at the whole genocide thing as well. But here we are - against all odds and the vast majority of judicial opinions, general Jackson bravely defeated the reptilian menace which stood in the way of the Terran empire's indiscriminate expansion.
In 1752 before Ben Franklin invented Pizza, Gameboy, the iPad2 or Mexican food he was contemplating how to conquer electricity. Being the genius he was he decided go get it at its source, this being Zeus. Strapping himself to a kite, and equipping some homemade lightning claws he ascended through the clouds and into the realm of the Gods to battle it out with Zeus. This is a painting capturing the exact moment the battle started.
Your Patriotism can be measured in the number of of things you have hanging up in your house with the american flag on them, so be sure to display this along with your American Flag.
Credit to this fine bad ass imaginary mind.
Wednesday, August 15, 2012
Captain America XXX- A Porn Parody that Has To Be Seen
While I'm not a connoisseur of pron, I do find it hilarious when a porno parody of a popular movie or tv show comes out. I mean, it's a game in itself to come up with how the porn parody of whatever will be named.
In this case there's a new line of porn, one aimed to the demographic that will probably use it the most - The nerds. With the popularity of the Marvel movies, it seems that a lot of the adult video companies are trying to market themselves to those crowds.
Just look at this trailer for a porno parody of Captain America...
If that isn't some of the most low grade bad grindhouse style filming around, I don't know what is. Even more comical is that it's really something that could be a direct sequel to the film. It starts off with Steve Rogers getting unfrozen from the block of ice and it's... well, it's seriously some of the most comical bullshit I have ever seen.
Like I said, the story takes place right after Cap is unfrozen and awakens in the present day. From there,t he Red Skull teams up with some Republican oil-type guy and try's to get an obvious Sarah Palin-like woman elected president.
Yes, you heard me. Sarah Palin, or a Sarah Palin-like character in the world of Captain America. Brubaker couldn't have written a better story for this. But it's not stopping there, there is also a lot of fucking. You know, cause it's a porno. Nick Fury is in this as well because a porn can't be a porn without a one eyed black man.
As if that wasn't a selling point on how cheesy this is, there's a scene where, upon cumming on a woman's face, Nick Fury utters the line "That was the bomb!". Was this... you know, not something to sell you on seeing porn as the art form it's suppose to be? I mean, it has the Red Skull fucking Sarah Palin.
Do you think this A on my forehead stands for ANAL?!
Because yes.. yes it does.
Tuesday, August 14, 2012
We've talked about Vodka, Whiskey and other such spirits and beers -- but perhaps we should take a look at the darker side of life, the stouts. Those darker drinks that just make everyone think that they're heavy as hell and are like eating a loaf of bread. Perhaps we should just look at the fun alternatives.
First off, Stouts make amazing floats. They also do well as the foundation for a cocktail. You could make this amazing drink with Ballast Point's Victory at Sea, XO patron (coffee flavored), and a vanilla stolichnaya. It taste like candy, and one was enough to ensure that you'd be drinking water for a good while after just to balance yourself out. It was two parts beer, one part each liquor. Call it something like "The sinking ship" and you have yourself a night.
Or you can go the simple route and just pour a Victory at sea stout into a glass that has a scoop or two of vanilla ice cream - bam! you're night was perfect. As you can see, stouts are great for things other than complaining that they're too heavy on you. If you're a coffee drinker, you're more than likely going to love stouts.
In short - Stouts are amazing and you should try them even if you don't like "heavy" beer. I would write more but I'm sure my time could be better spent just drinking the ones in my fridge.
Monday, August 13, 2012
Running South of the Boarder
Right now I'm running in the opposite direction of the boarder but that doesn't mean that I can't talk about Taco Bell. Especially when it's something of great importance. Such as their food menu getting a facelift.
But first, how about a little music;
Now that we got the song playing in the background, let's continue on. This whole make-over makes a bit of sense. I mean, it only makes sense as most people run to the board for a facelift and other plastic surgery operations. But here we are -- Taco Bell introduces a new menu
The ingredients: Eight new upscale recipes including herb and citrus-marinated white meat chicken and fire-roasted corn salsa. A Venezuelan chef with a "Top Chef" pedigree, whose creations each bear her signature. A "like it or your money back" guarantee.Okay, I'm a little confused here. Why does it matter that the managers sign boxes for pizza's at Domino's? I mean, do they really do that? I can't say I know since I don't eat that shit. Even if you call it Artisan, it's still fucking Domino's pizza.
Sounds like something Chipotle might be behind. Instead, it's the doing of Mexican-style fast-food mega-chain Taco Bell -- a brand that's undergone a recent rebirth.
On July 5, the Irvine-based company is scheduled to roll out its new Cantina Bell menu, which features items such as the Cantina Burrito Bowl, nationwide. The offerings, all with suggested prices under $5, were developed since October 2010 by Lorena Garcia, a chef featured on NBC's "America’s Next Great Restaurant" and slated for Bravo’s upcoming "Top Chef Masters."
It's an "industry-changing partnership," according to Taco Bell, which will offer customers their money back if they're less than wowed. The company, a subsidiary of KFC owner Yum! Brands, is set to begin introducing advertisements for the food as it prepares to launch it in its nearly 5,600 North American restaurants.
Among the new menu options:
- Black beans that aren’t refried, flavored with onion, garlic, cumin, chili powder and more
- Cilantro rice seasoned with onion, garlic and parsley
- Guacamole, cilantro dressing and pico de gallo featuring fresh ingredients
Each item is to feature Garcia’s signature, much in the same way that Domino's now asks its store managers to sign boxes for its new Artisan Pizza line.
Okay, maybe I should get back on to the main topic of taco bell food. Does anyone think that turning it to a slightly cheaper version of Chipotle will make it any better or increase sales? People go to Taco Bell for shitty "Mexican" food. No one goes there looking for "GOOD" food. None at all.
I mean, seriously, taco bell is the fuel for college kids. I should know, I was one of them. But by no means do college students care about good food. They like shitty greasy food that you can just munch away and sustain yourself.
Not one single person cares if some artisan craft is being cranked out. No one that orders a "nacho bell grande" would ever think about getting gourmet food. I mean, fucking seriously, man.
In saying that, I'm sure there's always del taco for those looking for that shitty Mexican meal.
Sunday, August 12, 2012
More Paul Ryan Wholesome Fun
So by now you're probably scratching your head and wondering who the fuck is Paul Ryan.
If you don't recall, Paul Ryan co-sponsored a personhood-at-conception bill. Which should be the only thing that you really need to know about this piece of shit. It's utterly amazing that they're just not even bothering reaching out to the middle of the road folks and those on the fence. He also had a sort of privatize everything budge plan.
I'm guessing that the bumper stickers really should read; "PAUL RYAN - DEAL WITH IT, POORS"
What better way to counteract the Obama campaign claims that Romney doesn't care about poor or the middle class than by picking Paul Ryan. Nothing your average folk cares more about than to see some dude from Wisconsin potentially sit in the president's chair.
Oddly enough, in introducing Mr. Ryan, Mr. Romney mistakenly called Mr. Ryan "The next president of the United States"
This really could mean a limited amount of things.
A.) Romney just cloned himself and while the Romney clone was growing up it was given a bunch fo Ayn Rand books to read.
B.) Romney is going to kill himself and let the true ruler of the nation take his place.
C.) Romney's just a giant idiot.
But it goes to show you that no matter how dumb he is, even Mitt knows who people are going to turn out to vote for. I mean, maybe we can be lucky and he'll kill himself in office.
But again, that doesn't tell us much of anything about Paul Ryan. So here's what u need to know about Paul Ryan
One of Ryan's summer jobs in college was as an Oscar Mayer salesman in Minnesota, peddling turkey bacon and a new line called "Lunchables" to supermarkets.
He's not even good enough to be a vacuum salesmen.
For fun, Ryan noodles catfish, catching them barehanded with a fist down their throats.
Like... seriously? We want a potential president that will be fingerless? What the fuck kind of red neck piece of shit is he? But most of all is the next fact...
Ryan listens to Rage Against the Machine and Led Zeppelin
Paul Ryan.... listens to... RATM...
ok. what. the. fuck?
I'm at a loss here. I'm trying to square the image of Paul Ryan rocking the fuck out like "LIGHTS OUT, GUERILLA RADIO. TURN THAT SHIT UP!" and it's just not working. I mean, I know that it should come to no surprise that these people lack any sense of self-awareness, so I don't know how to explain any of that. I mean, I guess he cant' wait to start Killin' in the name of.
Oh fuck it, it's pretty clear to see that Mitt's making a bid for that elusive rich white male vote.
Then again, maybe Paul Ryan is a great choice because old people hate his guts and they're a legit swing vote for the first time in a generation. I can see old whites being goaded into trusting him anyway because the alternative is voting for a "Black Muslim Socialist"
On one final note, Here's the icing on the Paul Ryan cake...
(6:53) Is this an easy fight? Absolutely not…But if we’re going to actually win this we need to make sure that we’re solid on premises, that our principles are well-defended, and if want to go and articulately defend these principles and what they mean to our society, what they mean for the trends that we set internationally, we have to go back to Ayn Rand. Because there is no better place to find the moral case for capitalism and individualism than through Ayn Rand’s writings and works.
Also he makes his staff read rand and von mises
Fuck. Why yes, the moral case for capitalism: "morals are for the week, empathy is for the weak, asking for help is for the parasites except for when I do it"
If you're a reader of my work, you probably know my stance on this, but I'm a sort of addict to seeing the reaction of those republican-friendly folks who just don't get it.
Saturday, August 11, 2012
Second No Command
So Paul Ryan is to be named Romney's running mate.
Paul Ryan will be named Mitt Romney's running mate on Saturday, ending weeks of speculation about the No. 2 slot on the GOP ticket.
The Associated Press and several TV networks confirmed the news about the Wisconsin lawmaker. By about 2:35 a.m. ET, RomneyRyan.com went live as a website.
Ryan, 42, is best known as the chairman of the House Budget Committee and author of a dramatic plan to overhaul Medicare, the government-run health insurance program for senior citizens.
Does anyone know anything about Paul Ryan? Because I sure as fuck don't and I'm inclined to know a thing or two about politics. It all sounds like a repulsive rich white guy nominated weinery suckup college republican as a running mate.
Though tossing around the phrase "Repulsive rich guy" when talking about elections is redundant. And also when not talking about elections
Paul Ryan had a notorious plan revealed in 2010, which went to a vote in the House of Representatives, which called for the abolition of Medicare/Medicaid, and tax cuts for the wealthy that made Bush's look like scratches.
The nearest I can assume is that Paul Ryan is apparently a super ideological radian and libertarian. In short, fuck this party ticket. I remember hearing a piece on NPR on how he has his plan that wants to gut all those things, yet throughout his entire life he's lived off the public sector. The only jobs he had was for a month as a "marketing rep" for his family business-a paycheck of about a grand.
He is sick and tired of the uppity unions but has received social security for most of his life (sadly his father passed away when he was a teen) and then went on to public sector jobs. He touts the private sector but has literally never held a job unless you count driving an Oscar Meyer Weinermobile for a summer.
It's like the phone call was something like this; "Hi, this is chief of staff Bob whatsitname from the Romney campaign. Look, I know this is short notice, but can you send us the closest real life equivalent to a villain from Game of Thorns? That would be real awesome, thanks in advance.
May as well say it now - congrats to you Barack Hussein Obama on your victory in November. That was some landslide of a win.
Friday, August 10, 2012
So with all this olympic coverage and the end of swimming, I have to just ask you one question that you probably were dying to find out the answer to... Do the swimmers pee in the water? The answer - Well, it shouldn't come as a surprise to anyone when they ask if Olympic Swimmers pee in the pool?
Yes, yes they do. All of them. Liberally.
"As a swimmer, you just have to accept that you're swimming in pee," said Carly Geehr, a former member of the U.S. national swim team.
Answering the question on the Q&A website Quora, Geehr said "nearly 100 percent" of elite competitive swimmers regularly do it, mostly because they can't help it. "Adrenaline and nerves wreak havoc on your system, she said, "and I knew tons of other swimmers that always, regardless of prior planning, had to pee right before a race."
Turns out, most swimmers are too tense and distracted to attend to their bladders during an actual race. Instead, they get the job done during warm-up, or utilize a crucial interval just before the race begins: "[It's] not uncommon to splash yourself before you climb up on the blocks," she explained, "so that extra liquid on yourself and the pool deck affords you an interesting opportunity. (I'll let you finish the rest of that thought.)"
In case you wanted specifics, the otherwise-studly Ryan Lochte is an unabashed pool-peer.
When asked whether he engages in the activity on an Aug. 3 radio interview, the 11-time Olympic medalist said, "Of course. I think there's just something about getting into chlorine water that you just automatically go. [I didn't] during the races, but I sure did in warm-up."
He sure did.
Hey, at least there's not any Olympic floating logs in the pool, am I right? By this same token, you probably shouldn't breath air because some one may have farted in it.
I'll admit it - if I was an Olympic swimmer, you bet your ass I would pee in the pool. In fact I would just get up on the starting blocks and piss a nice golden stream into my competitor's lane.
What does this teach us? Probably nothing. It should come to no surprise that people urinate in the pool. Who the fuck doesn't? Even with that rumor of a chemical that would turn your urine purple and mark you as the pisser, you still do it.
Hey, when nature calls...
Thursday, August 9, 2012
Much Cooler Online
Let's just put it out there - I'm much cooler online. This chick has it perfectly correct in what she's saying.
There ain't no shame to her game. In reality, she's just some loser with loser friends who really don't understand her need to play WoW 15 hours a day. But who are you to fucking judge her? EXACTLY!
Here's to you, Emily Elkins. For being so much cooler online.
Wednesday, August 8, 2012
The Olympics Are Savage
While you enjoy your Olympic coverage a little more before it's shipped off to Rio next time (man, I'll have a blast with the social-economic differences in that one!) Hey, let's take a moment to remember the 1904 SAVAGE OLYMPICS...
But in 1904, aside from the human zoos—exhibitions set up so fairgoers could gawk at Indigenous Peoples—that were on display at the World’s Fair, something else happened that made the games that year particularly troubling.When it comes down to it, the Olympic games just mimic a sort of battle between one nation and another. Instead of guns and bombs, we are one-upping each other with the extreme nature of the human spirit and pushing the bodies to levels that one probably shouldn't be pushed to.
James E. Sullivan, the head of the 1904 fair’s Department of Physical Culture—a group meant to promote American athleticism, decided to have some of the Indigenous Peoples from the exhibitions at the fair compete in sporting events against white athletes as a way to prove white superiority. According to Slate, Sullivan called it the “Special Olympics,” but it was officially dubbed the 1904 Anthropology Days because Sullivan brought William McGee, of the fair’s Department of Anthropology, in on the action.
Michael Phelps is now the record holder for medals and he's retiring. Such a shameless show of a useless talent. It's not like his off the air actions depict anything but gluttony. His use of drugs, while it's entirely his choice, do not really make him such a grand role model for the youth. As if "Swim really fast and you'll make millions" really does anything for our society anyhow.
So maybe we like to think that we've come a long way from the days when we were shamelessly throwing savages out there to show us who could throw the spear the furthest or who can shoot a bow and arrow in a loin cloth. But then again, we aren't. Both of those activities are held in the Summer Olympics among others.
It's a tragedy that we don't celebrate intelligence to this same level in making a spectacle out of it with a 43 million dollar opening ceremony.
Just some food for thought.
Tuesday, August 7, 2012
Wait a minute. I'm a little confused. I thought Batman was suppose to be the good guy. And yet Nolan made Bane the good guy in the film. I certainly was empathizing with Bane far more than I did with Batman or Catwoman.
I mean, let me get this straight. I'm not suppose to cheer for guy who clearly suffered as a child and was abused in prison. That alone is a start. But he moves into robbing Bruce Wayne of all of his cash, which we're suppose to feel really badly about because he can no longer ive it to chari- Wait. What do you mean he's been ignoring his business for the past eight years, so the company didn't make any "excess" profit to give to charity? What the FUCK?!
Again, so Bane builds a god damned underground resistance against capitalism and civilization, manipulating the greed of the rich to accomplish his own plans. He then overtakes the city with a relatively bloodless coup using looted DoD-Wayne Enterprises prototypes - using the bourgeois tools against them and then makes sure that the majority of the cops, while held captive, aren't able to really fight back. He even goes out of his way to ensure that they are fed and well-kept for their new prisons. In fact, NONE of the police officers walked out of the underground five months later unshaven or dirty.
Then all the actual prisoners arrested under the Patriot Ac.... my bad, Dent Act are released and given a choice to do whatever with their freedom (Might I note that the film unfairly paints all of these average "inmates" as a mean-looking minority who inevitably joins Bane). Best yet, the rich are forcibly purged, their property re-taken for the people.
The best thing that Bane does is read out the Police Commissioner's confession-speach on live television exposing Harvey Dent as the monster he was, unlike Gordon, who thought that the best thing to do was keep quiet and maintain his perfect image.
But of course, the movie then invokes historical Communist tropes like long queues, empty stores and desolate streets, but it gets really strange at this point: In one very brief scene that is only a good quarter minute long, people are overjoyed to see the rich overthrown; maids pop open champagne bottles, a doorman eagerly drags a resident out onto the street for the Bane Gang to see, etc. It was like the movie was asking. "How could our serfs betray the rich like that? Shame on them! Feel bad, moviegoers!"
The streets are desolate, yes, but it is clearly the middle of winter; the one scene in which we do see what it looks like indoors, a crowd of people are talking with one another, playing board games and seemingly having an alright time.
Then you have Batman, who really is never even likable as a character. I mean, as this review puts it...
Batman, as a character, is a miserable, broken human being that no one should ever actually want to be like. Batman is, essentially, a spoiled brat who claims that he grew up too quickly, but in fact, never grew up at all. It doesn't take much to determine that Bruce Wayne has spent his entire life trapped in that moment [...] He is essentially selfish and deluded with false notions of nobility."
So Batman is just troubled because he's still traumatized by his parents murder. We can't claim trauma for the villains but Batman? That guy's actions are totally justified by his issues. He's basically a broken human being and yet children want to be him.
Then you have Bane with the mask thing. Like, the guy's clearly dying as soon as he gets his mask broken. And yet Batman continues to demand answers from someone who can't even breathe. But hey, why not keep yelling and wondering where the bomb/villain or whatever else Batman doesn't have time to google the answer for.
Maybe he should ask Alfred where all those things are considering how much Alfred magically knows about everything.
Shit, everyone is a better human being than Batman in the film. I mean, even the ghost of Ras al Ghul has a better personal philosophy, which is radical environmentalism. Who would have known that Bane and Ras were both heroes after my heart?
If you were to take all the dialogue of the film and remove it from the scary masks, you would probably think that Bane was the most reasonable, compassionate character in the movie.
I haven't even gotten to Talia. Who is probably second to the worse in the film. Even if she's just doing it because of Daddy issues and M. Night Twist-syndrome. How else can you explain the turn? Just look at how terrible and convoluted her plan is. If you see the film again you'd notice how fucked from the very beginning is her plot to blow up Gotham. It boils down to one simple thing - If she wanted to blow up gotham, why the fuck didn't they just get a different nuclear bomb?
Though all this only points back to Bruce Wayne being an awful piece of shit character. You see, his rationale for not turning on the fusion reactor - a device which could literally cure the world of poverty and famine forever because it is an unlimited energy source - is that it could be turned into a weapon. And it is turned into a weapon. Except the weapon it can be turned into is a 6 megaton nuclear bomb. But you realize that there are already thousands of 6+ megaton nuclear bombs in the world.
So Bruce Wayne, a man who went into seclusion for 8 years and let his company run for shit, not giving much of a damn to his charities, is depriving the world of an actual systemic crime solution and justifying it because he's worried about creating a weapon... that.already.exist.
What a fucking douchebag.
Let's touch on the Dent Act. In the beginning of the film Gotham's crime rate is at an all-time low thanks to the Dent Act. Named after the late DA Harvey Dent and implemented because people think that Batman killed him. So the city has been victorious against crime because of it. Except that act was based all on a lie of Dent's supposed heroism and the evil still lingered beneath the surface.
You have to realize that the Dent Act is clearly analogous to the Patriot Act and what the film apparently takes away from it was that the ends were correct, but the means were suspect. HA! So the patriot act was totally okay, guys. You just need to actually find some WMDs first.
I'm also not sure I get what the point of the prison. Who built it exactly? Who the fuck runs it? And why do they keep letting people escape? I mean, even with the whole keeping hope in a man's mind being a worse prison mentality, you still have a prison. Shouldn't there be some guards and who exactly is feeding these people? Then again, who gives a shit, it's Batman and if I haven't planted more seeds of how this film was awful, then I don't know what.
During the whole montage of people Eating The Rich and Batman stuck in a prison hellhole, I can honestly say that the film could have ended there and I probably would have been better pleased with the way it ended.
Then again, he was going to destroy the city, so I guess that's not good.
Monday, August 6, 2012
Go See Moonrise Kingdom
No, like, seriously...
It's a wes anderson movie about a couple of 12 year olds who fall in love and run away together and the adults that try to find them. . Its a movie that is full of white people that is nevertheless completely endearing, and makes you long for the days of your youth. Its beautifully shot, and unlike batman, has colors in its palette other than yellow and grey.
By god did Batman really suck. Like, it's amazing, the more you think about it, the worse it gets. Why the fuck did Batman still have to talk in his godawful death metal voice to people who already knew that he was Bruce? I mean, at the point that the bomb is about to explode and you've told everyone your secret -- how about just dropping the stupid gimmick and talking like the normal Bruce again?
And what was up with his legs. More to the point how did they magically not stay crippled?
Eh, like I said, go see Moonrise Kingdom. It's taken me this long to see it, but damn if it's not good.
Sunday, August 5, 2012
HBO Present - The Olympics
Well, now that the Olympics have been going for a good week and some change, it's time to wonder why there has not been a HBO sex drama about the Olympic Village made already.
I mean, think about it, it's a bunch of young, fit, attractive athletes of various countries interacting and fighting over sports, sex and politics.
How the fuck did this not get picked up already? Get Allan Ball on the phone right. now! Just think about it! It's really an amazing idea that I obviously need to develop it into a story right now so it'll be ready in time for Rio, which is, obviously, way sexier than London. Besides that, there's way more poor indigenous people to have creep in as the evil others and background folks you don't care about.
Clearly it'll center around team USA, I mean, let's be real, HBO wouldn't pick it up otherwise. I'm thinking that the two major leads should be a brother and sister. Both of which some how made it into the Olympics under different sports. Maybe swimming for the sister - no wait, strike that. Beach Volleyball would have the bigger sex appeal.
Well, maybe it could be something strange and cool. Like archery or something that isn't your main stream event that gets a lot of attention. Then you can put the brother as the swimmer and get the whole Michael Phelps angle going there. Their friends need to be into the really off center events. Like, maybe modern pentathlon dude. This way he could be really good at pistol shooting, you know, for when gun stuff happens - and you know that it will with a potential Olympic terrorist attack.
There could be drama from the potential of the sister having a crush on a British athlete that is in direct competition with the brother. That will be nice and juicy stuff right there. New lover vs family blood. Great! Then we can toss in various friends in their respective events that surround them.
And if you make it swimming related, then everyone can be in swimsuits for the majority of the on screen time. You can have a sub arch where the friend gets mixed up trying to procure some undetectable performance enhancing substances from the ethnically terrifying locals - you know, so you can touch on some serious social issues - which means we get to have our lily-white heroes brave the terrifying slums to save the best friend and they can see all the poverty and stuff and maybe a cute lighter skinned boy helps them find the guy so we can see that... truly there is some nobility amongst these savages - Of course the social commentary will be promptly forgotten.
So who wants to help me out and get this green lit? Then again, if Aaron Sorkin has anything to do with it I will fucking gut you like a fish!
Saturday, August 4, 2012
....Full of Vodka, blessed are you among cocktails.
Pray for me now in the hour of my death,
which I hope is soon.
Oh, the wonders of the Bloody Mary. No other drink besides a mimosa, and let's be honest that's pretty girlie and only allowed on Sunday for brunch. But none other is socially acceptable to drink before noon like the Bloody Mary. In fact it's so accepted to consume that you should have no problem chugging these down on any day that ends with Y and not have to worry about judgmental eyes.
Above all drinks out there, Bloody Mary's are probably one of the most universally loved drinks. So it's only fitting that I took a moment to point out how one makes it. Some people use mix. Some people do not. Here's two recipes to get you started.
#1: BM with Mix.
2 parts Zing-zang brand mix. (This mix is very bold, a lot of pepper.)
1 part Bakon vodka. (Bacon flavored vodka. In my experience it tastes absolutely awful when not mixed in a Bloody Mary.)
Old Bay to taste. (I adore Old Bay, as anyone from Maryland should.)
1 spear of olives (4-5 standard green olives with pimentos).
1 Dill pickle spear.
and then there's the other option
#2: BM from scratch.
2 parts tomato (or Clamato, for a Caesar) juice.
1 part Absolut Peppar vodka.
1 Teaspoon of extra hot horseradish.
1/2 teaspoon cayenne pepper.
1/2 teaspoon garlic powder.
1/2 teaspoon fresh ground black pepper.
Old bay to taste.
Tabasco sauce to taste.
1 Celery Stalk for garnish.
What is very important, and part of the main key is the Worcestershire. Without that you're better off not bothering. You can make them by the pitcher full, just add worcestershire to tomato juice till it is just visibly darkened by it. Then add jarred horseradish to taste, black pepper until flecks are visible after stirring, and lime juice. You should even throw the spent wedges into the pitcher. You stir and chill for at least 30 minutes and up to 8 hours before serving.
That's the virgin kind, which you really should start to teach your children how to make at an early age. It's very important. But if you want to adult it up, just serve it by filling 1/3 full of ice cold vodka, topping with the mix and then you garnish it with celery stick and lime.
Though if you want to use cumin and celery salt, that's just icing on the cake. You can even use pickled green beans if you want to add a dash of awesome to the garnish.
Now if you're like me, you'd want to make the vodka flavored. A simple infusion is easy for the vodka. All you do is get some mustard seeds, give them a quick once over with a pestle and then you toss them into the vodka and leave it in the fridge for a good two weeks. After that you just strain out the seeds with a cheese cloth or coffee filter and your vodka is infused with a mustardy flavor that will not be overpowering, but will be on the flavor profile. It's really what separates the men from the boys.
With this concoction you can make the mustard vodka bloody mary.
2 parts mustard vodka
4 parts tomato juice
Juice of ½ a lemon
½ tsp finely ground black mustard seeds
Worcester sauce to taste
Tabasco to taste
Serve iced in a big jug, with celery sticks on the side.
This isn't even getting to the crazy bacon flavored vodka.. or the jalapeno vodka. Both of which add levels to a bloody mary you wouldn't believe. I'll save those for another day. I hope that this quick run through the Bloody Mary world helped you nurse that hangover this Sunday morning.